I just want to be human again. I really hate everything, how everyone just leaves because I have feelings. i find no happiness anymore in work, hobbies, and fun. I don’t even have time for working on my own music anymore. I just feel useless at my job and when I help my coworkers I just get yelled at. I don’t want to die and I don’t want to be around. I’m in this existential hell. all my friends that are still around are more successful and better off without me. I can’t even talk about it with anyone without them (anyone btw just to make that clear) making it about themselves. all I here on the news which constantly plays at work and at home is death and about covid which is still here. I have no best friend now. He instead of helping tells me I’m gonna be miserable for the rest of my life. i know more people have it worse. and I don’t want to have a victim mentality but its so dark and numb metaphoricly and I just want to be ok.
You are far from having a “victim” mentality, because not only you acknowledge how you feel, but you also dare to be vulnerable and express your desire to change your situation. In my book, all of this takes a lot of strength, especially as we live in a world where vulnerability is seen as a weakness while it’s the opposite. Mental health and rough times are the matter of every human being. There is no exception when it’s about struggling or being in pain.
I hear how much it’s been hard for you to feel like you have just the right to feel. It is so unfair and I’m so sorry, friend. I’m sorry that people made you feel like you are just made to function, and once you start to share your voice you’d be invalidated. I’m sorry that your “best friend” doesn’t support you and make you feel worse instead. I’m sorry that you get yelled at at your job. For most of my life I have felt like I couldn’t fit in this world. I had these emotions inside and these thoughts that nobody wanted to listen to. It made me feel for a long time like I just didn’t belong in this world, that I wasn’t good enough for others standards and something should be wrong with me. It is such a brutal spot to be in. You try, try and try again but it never seems to be good enough according to others.
When many people reflect on you that you wouldn’t fit, then it makes sense to start questioning your own existence. As human beings, we need to feel like we belong. Like we “fit” somewhere somehow. However, it would be such an injustice to let yourself drown. This world can be brutal, cruel. But it’s not because of you. You ARE enough as you are. It is a matter of environment right there, the one that surrounds you in terms of work, habits, relationships… you have named some of them in your post. Overall, things that are not the result of your actions or decisions, but others. Things that are beyond your control.
You are human. You have the right to have feelings and to express them. You have the right to share your heart without having to feel ashamed, guilty or as if you did something wrong. You said in your title “I want to be better”, but what about trying to reframe that goal as: “I want a better environment in my life”? That way, you will have the ability to focus on all the areas that you think need improvement in some way. Overall, it has to serve you, because this is your life, your time, your energy. Whether other people have it worse or not, what matters in all of this is you.
As it can be overwhelming to kind of make this mental list of all the things we want to improve or change in our life, it is often better to make sure we receive the support we need while going through that healing process. Is counseling or therapy something you have considered/would like to? At the moment, it seems that you have a lot on your plate, so having some regular discussions with someone who could bring you a practical and effective feedback could be a great option to think about. Counselors are a good source of support for when we feel lost in our life and don’t know what could be our next step. They listen without any judgment and provide some helpful reflection depending on our struggles at the moment.
I believe you can start to take steps that would be healthy for you, and a beautiful way to not let others behaviors or reactions defeat you. You are worthy of love, care and support. Your life and what you go through is important. I want to encourage you to keep reaching out and make sure to receive the support you need. Sometimes our close friends or family cannot be that support to us, and that’s okay too.
You are loved.You belong.
Thank you for posting its good to meet you and the reason I say that is because the first thing I want to say to you is that you sound in such a dark and unhappy place I want to tell you that I am pretty certain I can say that you are not going to be miserable for the rest of your life so that’s the good news I wanted to pass on to you.
The next thing is where are the thoughts coming from? Well? Most of what you have (and I’m no Doctor for sure) is your mind telling you dreadful lies because you are in a bad place and if that sounds weird I’m sorry but its true, when you feel really low, you think all these bad things like………”everyone just leaves because I have feelings” and of course I’m going to be miserable for the rest of my life, they all feel like just facts to a mind in a dark place but they aren’t, so that is more good news.
So now I’m going to encourage you to find someone to talk to, a counsellor or therapist that you can really speak to about what is making you feel like this, why you are so unhappy because you do not have to be unhappy, you have as much right as everyone else to be happy and confident and very much out of hell. Have a chat to your GP too, I’m not saying go and gets lots of medication but sometimes we all need a little help.
I hope something I have said will have helped a little, I have been where you are now, and I wish someone had told me what I have told you.
Take good care and please stay around this is a wonderful community of support.
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