I want to be happy, i want to feel pretty

People would say I’m getting better, and I am in a way I guess, but it’s always there, even when I seem ok. This feeling that I cannot ignore, it’s hard to. I want to scream it out to the world, get all my thoughts and feelings out in the open. I don’t want to be trapped in my own thoughts. I am stuck between saying I really want to talk to you, and I don’t want to bother you. I am scared.
I’m scared of being judged and rejected. My experiences in the past have seemingly convinced me to keep my feelings to myself. When you share with the wrong people, it doesn’t always work out the way you want it to. It takes a lot of trust and honesty to talk about myself even with those who are closest to me. I don’t want to die, not even close, in fact, it’s the total opposite, I want to live, but I feel trapped and claustrophobic, like somethings missing but I don’t know what, I can laugh and play, feel happy and sad, but something is missing. I feel like I do my best, but it still isn’t good enough.
The moments where people will ask if you’re ok, most of the time the automatic response is, I’m ok, sometimes it’s true, but other times I lie about it, I cover up that fact that I’m feel like I’m in pain. the breaking moments, the worries on top of worries and I hate saying it, so to a stranger, the teachers, friends, family, a classmate, parents, I will say, I’m ok. I don’t want to be put into this box with a label, where people see me as this sad person where everyone thinks I’m asking for attention. I don’t want to be a burden. I’ll fake a smile if I have too, I will try and keep a up a conversation, to make me feel less out of place.
I hate myself, and it’s a really hard thing to say, I hate my thighs, I hate my hair, I hate how my clothes look on me, I hate how everything gets to me, how I care way too much, how I’m never smart enough, how I feel like I’m not good enough. It is like being trapped with the one person you hate the most, the one you find just repulsive, absolutely disgusting. Instead of having the days where you look in the mirror and think, I look good today, I look in the mirror and see the ugliest person in the world, I see my enemy.
Everything I say comes out wrong and I’m not trying to sound like I’m an attention seeker, I just don’t know how to, I try and change but I keep on messing up. I don’t want you to think that I’m saying I’m the only one with real problems, but we all have problems I know. It hurts how people think I’m happy because I smile and laugh at jokes, even though I’m not okay, I’m mad at myself, I wish I could kill the part if me that hates me so much, people say to me to move past it, move on, to try, but it just seems impossible, most of the time I feel like, I’m the ugly sister, I’m the horrible daughter. I’m not even the second choice, I’m the “leftover”, I’m not the clever one, I’m not the skinny one, I’m the talentless one, I’m the “why are you even here” one.
People say to me I’m not fat, I’m not ugly, but why don’t I feel like it, why can’t I see it. When I make a mistake, I know, I feel it, I tear myself apart, I lose sleep and I never stop thinking about it. I blame myself for a lot of things. I want to be the one to be there for my friends. I would rather give all my love until I have nothing left, then give any to myself. Everything I say comes out wrong and I’m sorry. I feel like a stranger to myself. I want to know what it feels like to wake up in the morning and not feel sad. I’m always scared to say how I feel, because no one wants to hear “it’s getting worse” they all want to hear, “it’s finally getting better” but what if it’s not.
I could be in a room full of people, yet still feel alone. I shouldn’t even feel like this because so many people have it worse than me.
Its like being scared and tired at the same time. It is the fear of failure, but no urge to be productive. Its wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely. Its caring about everything, then caring about nothing. Its feeling everything at once, but then feeling paralyzingly numb. I have so many thoughts inside me that I want to say, but I’m not sure how to say them, so I keep them bottled up, I know one day there all going to spill out, and I’m scared of how its going to turn out. It’s like some days I feel everything at once, and some days nothing at all. I know this makes me selfish and I have no right. I’m tired for apologizing for things that I didn’t even do but I just can’t stop.
What kills me the most of all, is that I can’t even look in there mirror anymore. Which makes me feel stupid, but I can’t. I don’t know how to stop it and I am so scared that this feeling won’t go away. I just couldn’t tell you because I was scared, I was scared of what you guys might think of me. I was scared that you might think I’m lying or I’m asking for attention, I haven’t told you because I didn’t want to make it about me. I’m scared that I’m losing you guys and I’m sorry.
Being a foster kid is hard. School hurts. I’m tired of people wanting me to be something that I’m not. I’m just so tired.

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Hey. First off, welcome to Heart Support! You came to the right place. You’re among friends here.

I’m foggy today, and I don’t want to insult you by trying to do an in-depth response that misses the mark. More people will be along to address every point you just made :slight_smile: I just want to say I get it. I understand feeling ugly and not knowing why. I loved the way you said you want to live but feel like something’s missing. I wish I had been able to express myself that clearly in the past. I get not wanting to bother people, feeling like the leftover person, feeling like you’re letting people down just by being you.

I want you to know that these are all lies. Like fool’s gold, they’re real, but they’re false. We all feel like we’re under a spotlight of shame, so there are so many shame spotlights that the room is simply lit. In a world of fallen people, no one person’s shortcomings outshine the rest, so no one else thinks any less of one individual. I promise that many of the people closest to you are thinking the same things you are about themselves. What would you say to them?

Getting better” isn’t “being healed.” “Better” is transitive, not absolute. “Getting better” is you on your self-improvement journey. If you can see your progress, then you are definitely getting a lot better. Better is relative though. Better than nothing can still be just a little, but if you keep getting better, then that little becomes more and more. I still struggle with this. I’m getting so much better that I can feel it, so why am I still not “better?” Why am I still not well? Better never ends, and wellness is a benchmark. 5 years ago, I couldn’t have imagined being in the place I am now. Today, I feel good, but I know I can be better. I know this isn’t the advice you want to hear, but you’re on your journey, and in a year or 5 you’ll look back and marvel at how far you’ve come, even if you still don’t feel well. Keep going! :hrtlegolove:

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Hey Mess!
Im not a professional or anything, but I just wana say I feel you. Im going though almost the same thing as well, and I just wana say that you are very strong for still going. I recommend that you not hide your feelings, and that letting them out is the best way to dispose of them, and loved ones will be there.

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Hi, sorry to hear that.
You got this, keep fighting.
When i read this, i feel like somebody was talking about me, that’s why i can understand what you are going through.
I know that one day is like omg i’m pretty and the others you think why you can be pretty like the others…
Is hard, i been feeling like you.
You have a battle with yourself, you deal with you and you want to get better, but you feel trapped.
Everything is gonna be okay, you are strong, you are gorgeous, you are intelligent, you are more than enough and one day you are gonna accept that you are this and more.
The mirror can wait, just wait until you feel prepared to look at you and say, I am gorgeous, i am enough, i am wealthy, i am perfect and i love you.
You can start step by step…
You can try to find something attractive in you and all the days try to focus in the things you love about yourself.
I have an app for my anxiety, his name is Dare, you can find it on the playstore, has a lot of playlist to help you to calm down and feel safe for a moment.
People don’t want to hear that we are bad, but is okay to feel like this, you got this, is okay to not feel prepared to feel gorgeous, just still breathing, because you matter.
You know how to find us, you can express yourself, you can talk to us, you are not alone, you keep fighting, keep kicking ass out there.

Send you a big warm virtual hug.

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