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I want to be normal. (TW: Sexual assult, Self harm, Suicidal thoughts)

I was with my grandfather at his house when my grandmother was at work, He took me too his room and dimmed the lights, Right when he closed the door and locked it i knew something was up, But i still went along with it. Then he did it to me. He [email protected] me. Nobody heard me. Nobody cared. Nobody helped me. It was my fault. I had the heaviest guilt of my life. After he did it, I stopped caring, I stopped Eating, Started self harm and suicidal thoughts. This happend so recently I can’t stop thinking about it. Then I did my first attempt, Obviously i failed because I’m still here today. After i failed at suicide i started self harming even more. Now my parents are fighting and yelling and I can’t sleep at all. I just needed a place to let all my feelings out and this felt like the place.

Thanks <3

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Hi Lilly9, Welcome to Heartsupport Friend, My name is Lisa.

Thank you so much for being so brave and so strong and sharing this with us here. I am so so sorry this happened to you. The first thing I want you to know is that what was done to you was not your fault at all, it was not your fault, please know that. You were taken advantage of by someone who was supposed to take care of you, someone who should protect you and keep you safe not hurt you.
You feel bad and that is understandable because something very nasty happened to you that should not have happened and it should not be allowed to happen again but I do not want you to continue to hurt yourself. You dont deserve any of this.
You said that your parents are fighting? have you told your parents what happened? I would love for you to really be able to talk to someone about how you are feeling, someone who can sit down with you and help you to organise your thoughts and try to put them in a place where you can move forward in your life with some peace because this person is not allowed to ruin your future.
Also please feel free to post here whenever you want to, if you have thoughts you need to get out then please use this place if it helps you. We are here to help you. You have found a safe place where you can talk, you are not judged but you are loved and cared for.
You have taken such a big step here, now its time to take care of Lilly9.
Much Love Lisalovesfeathers :green_heart:

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i am so sorry that you were hurt like this.

I can tell you with 1000% certainty that NONE of this was your fault. Your grandfather betrayed your trust, the trust of you family, and he broke the law.

Have you been able to tell your parents what happened? Or is there a teacher or adult you trust?
You’ve been hurting yourself because of the guilt you feel - that guilt is NOT YOURS. YOU are not the culprit here, You are not the person who is wrong.
You are the victim, things were done to you that you did not consent to.

Please tell someone you trust. I know it’s scary and confusing, but you need to get help. Self-harming and trying to hurt yourself are not the best way to escape this pain.

Please continue to use this forum to share your pain and anger and hatred, and whatever you’re feeling and you might be scared to express.
You did nothing wrong.
You were innocent, and still are.

You were hurt. This doesn’t change you, you have value and you matter, friend. You are important to us.

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I read your story and I just want you to know that we share a very similar story. Life hasn’t been kind to us. Going through sexual abuse and attempting to take your life… it all seems like that’s how things have to end.

I want you to know that it’s not how things have to end and that right now even though you’re hurting, I’m glad you haven’t ended things with this hurt. I know your story isn’t mine, but we do share these feelings that follow. You aren’t alone and don’t have to carry it all alone. It’s hard to talk to people and to think anyone could ever know or understand what it’s like.

I never thought that I could be anything other than the trauma and that it was my fault that everyone hurt around me and that I lost the people I have… it’s not your fault someone hurt you. You did nothing to deserve it and never could do something to deserve it. Those monsters make their own choices, and it’s shitty that they make choices to hurt innocent people.
You have a chance to take ownership of yourself again. There is so much more beyond I promise.

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@lilly9 The only failure you have is that you thankfully failed at completing your attempt. Please be assured that what happened was in no way your fault. It is disgusting that there are people that take advantage of those they feel are powerless and vulnerable. I am completely appalled to hear what you have been thru and again, this is in no way something you did. I cannot imagine how hard this feels to endure and to have happen from someone you thought you could and should be able to trust.

Abusers, especially sexual abusers, try to make their victims feel like they are worthless, powerless, and that they either deserve or are at fault for the abuse. They also manipulate and threaten in ways they feel will get what they want. But none of this is true! It’s a sick way to get the abhorrent things they want to take from you. I’m so very sorry you poor girl. You deserve better than this and you have power inside of you that you can tap into. You have a voice even if you haven’t found the courage to speak out against this yet.

Do you have someone you trust that you can talk to about this? Even if it is someone outside of the family, which in fact may be better because they will not have bias and side with your grandfather. Please know that you are worthy of a better life. What you have gone thru does not lessen you, devalue you, make you worth less than you were before. My wife was sexually abused at a young age and the abuser played mind games with her that made her feel trapped and that she had to endure ongoing abuse to keep from worse things happening. Find your voice, whether it be talking to a trusted adult, expressing your feelings through an outlet like a journal, or perhaps pursuing help from a sexual abuse support line. Here is a link to get help and support from people that can better guide you specifically than I can.

https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones

You deserve a hug from someone you love and trust. I hope you find help and can begin the healing process. It’s not your fault but it is a journey to feeling better about yourself. Please keep pressing on and I know better days are ahead for you. The further away from this abuse you can get figuratively and literally, the better. Take good care and know that many, many people are supporting you. Whatever lies or threats an abuser may say, they really have no power if the abuse can’t be kept secret. You hold the power to destroy them for what they did to you, and NO! You are not the one that destroyed their life, they are by choosing to do such vile things to a child or anyone for that matter.

Peace and much love,

CoffeeTalk

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I was able to talk to the police and my grandfather is now thankfully in jail for the crime, Also my parents have recently gotten a divorce and i am living with my mother. Thank you for the kind words, also my mother knows as well as my grandmother and that is how he was able to go to prison.

-Lilly9

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Oh @Lilly9
Thank you for your reply,
That is absolutely amazing and you are so brave and strong to have done that. That must have been so difficult to have gone through all of that but in doing so you have taken back your power and had the support of your family and I am beyond grateful for you that you had that.
I am really sorry however tthat you parents have recently divorced, that is hard and again It is something that is not your fault, no matter what has happened in the past, the troubles of your parents are theirs and are more than capable of decideing their own paths in life, I hope that both of them make time and have a good relationship with you as that is the most important thing, not any disagreements.
Once again I want to tell you from my heart how wonderful I think you are, how proud I am that you are so strong and that you spoke up and told someone what happened to you.
Parents going through a divorce is another difficult process and one I can relate to so again we are here to listen and support you at any time and of course reach out to real life (not online) support if you feel you need it too. You are very much loved.
Lisalovesfeathers. :green_heart:

@Lilly9 hello friend,

I wanted to make sure you knew that I was thinking of your post and wondering how you are doing today or since your original post on this thread. Please let us know how you are and what you are thinking/feeling. There are many more who care that would love to hear you out.

:coffee:CoffeeTalk :coffee: