@lilly9 The only failure you have is that you thankfully failed at completing your attempt. Please be assured that what happened was in no way your fault. It is disgusting that there are people that take advantage of those they feel are powerless and vulnerable. I am completely appalled to hear what you have been thru and again, this is in no way something you did. I cannot imagine how hard this feels to endure and to have happen from someone you thought you could and should be able to trust.
Abusers, especially sexual abusers, try to make their victims feel like they are worthless, powerless, and that they either deserve or are at fault for the abuse. They also manipulate and threaten in ways they feel will get what they want. But none of this is true! It’s a sick way to get the abhorrent things they want to take from you. I’m so very sorry you poor girl. You deserve better than this and you have power inside of you that you can tap into. You have a voice even if you haven’t found the courage to speak out against this yet.
Do you have someone you trust that you can talk to about this? Even if it is someone outside of the family, which in fact may be better because they will not have bias and side with your grandfather. Please know that you are worthy of a better life. What you have gone thru does not lessen you, devalue you, make you worth less than you were before. My wife was sexually abused at a young age and the abuser played mind games with her that made her feel trapped and that she had to endure ongoing abuse to keep from worse things happening. Find your voice, whether it be talking to a trusted adult, expressing your feelings through an outlet like a journal, or perhaps pursuing help from a sexual abuse support line. Here is a link to get help and support from people that can better guide you specifically than I can.
https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones
You deserve a hug from someone you love and trust. I hope you find help and can begin the healing process. It’s not your fault but it is a journey to feeling better about yourself. Please keep pressing on and I know better days are ahead for you. The further away from this abuse you can get figuratively and literally, the better. Take good care and know that many, many people are supporting you. Whatever lies or threats an abuser may say, they really have no power if the abuse can’t be kept secret. You hold the power to destroy them for what they did to you, and NO! You are not the one that destroyed their life, they are by choosing to do such vile things to a child or anyone for that matter.
Peace and much love,
CoffeeTalk