I want to die but i dont want to kill myself

Staff Edit from @NateTriesAgain:


You’re not crazy if you feel like you want to die. If you landed here from Google, I want you to know you’re not alone, and there is hope. If you’re in immediate danger, go to our Crisis Resources page. Otherwise, you can also take this self-assessment to find next steps:


Hold fast. We believe in you.

so… i’ve never done this before lol. i’m nervous and i don’t know why. i actually write in my journal. its only been a few days, but it has kinda helped. i came here because i’ve been thinking about killing myself. i guess i should say i’ve been thinking about WAYS to kill myself. not really the action. all my life i’ve been picked on or not good enough for anyone. i’ve always been invisible. even two my closest friend, i feel as if i’m not important enough. i have someone (a guy) in my life that seems to care about me a lot, and i wish i could believe him when he says he loves me. he doesn’t know i’ve been having suicidal thoughts, but i do talk to him whenever i’m sad and i am pretty open. i trust him with my life, but i don’t think he truly cares. i don’t think anyone truly cares about me. my parents barely pay attention to me, my siblings make fun of my weight and say “we are kidding” but don’t realize how much that gets to me. i have friends that wouldn’t care if i was alive or died. i don’t know. i’m kind of all over the place with this i’m sorry to whoever is reading. i just feel alone. i live away from my best friend and my “boyfriend” i guess i should say. he lives and day away and my best friend lives an hour and a half away. i don’t have very many friends at my school, and the ones i had, i pushed away. i always try and push people away. i’ve tried pushing my boyfriend away and he won’t let me. i love him for that because i don’t know what i would do without him. almost 4 years ago, i attempted suicide. not only once, but twice. i used to cut. i got bullied throughout 8th and 9th grade. sometimes 10th. my life was a mess and i didn’t see a purpose. i didn’t see MY purpose. i didn’t mean much to anyone. one night, my mom saw that i posted something about killing myself and she barged in my room. she told me she would be taking me to a therapist the next morning. so we went. and i ended up in the hosptial waiting to be taken to a mental facility. lets just say the food there wasn’t as bad as i thought. i met some really cool people. but the facility didn’t help. and i covered it for 3 years. i will say, my depression hasn’t been bad till recently when i had to say goodbye to my boyfriend. he lives a whole day away from me and he came to where i live to see me. i only saw him for a few hours. not gonna lie that triggered my depression a lot. that’s not the only reason, but its partly why. all i do is lay in bed and eat. i don’t really go outside anymore, i don’t hang out with people, i have bad social anxiety so i don’t really go anywhere. again i’m all over the place. the point is, this is the most confusing feeling. i want to die, but i don’t want to actually kill myself. i would never want to leave the people i know would be devastated. but i don’t want to feel this pain anymore. my only motivation is moving to my boyfriends when i graduate high school. i will be a senior next year so that’s not too far away. one more year and that’s it. i’m sorry that is was so long. i just need a community that i know will truly care and listen to me. thank you.


I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I understand the feeling of thinking about suicide on a daily basis. You’re not alone.

If you trust him that much then please reach out to him. If he didn’t care he wouldn’t listen. It’s taken me months to realise that the people I speak too genuinely care. Let him be there for you.

Your mum obviously worries about you too. My mother would NEVER do that for me and my dad had told me many times I’m a waste of space. Use this memory to reach out to her. Therapy could be a brilliant option for you. Make sure you emphasise the fact you don’t want to kill yourself - that it’s just ideation. You have people that want to help you, but your depression doesn’t want you to see it. Believe me, I know how you’re feeling.

Your life is worth living. You’re not alone. We are here to fight this battle with you.

Hold fast


Hey @madisonreese,

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. You’re definitely not alone, with how you’re feeling - the feeling of, “If I accidentally get hit by a car and die then I won’t care, but I’m too strong to die by my own hand because I have the will to live.” To me, in addition to anxiety/depression, this is the feeling of extreme apathy (i.e. lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern).

If he truly loves you, then he will never leave you, no matter what. He’ll come alongside you and fight your battles with you. Be careful though, because some guys can be tricky with their words or simply not know the intense power behind telling someone that they love them. However, if he hasn’t given you a reason to doubt that he doesn’t love you, then take him at his word that he is truly meaning what he says. That being said, if you trust him, I would highly recommend being 100% transparent with him because trust & communication are the two most important aspects of a solid foundation in a relationship.

Firstly, the amount that someone pays attention to you doesn’t necessary determine how much they truly care about you. For example, my mom and I seldom talk (we’ll text here-and-here; she lives in California and I’m in Tennessee), however I would give the world for her. Secondly, just because someone teases you doesn’t mean that they don’t like you. For example, I would give my little sister a hard time growing up (which I regret), but I love her to death. Side note: In Australia, if they tease you, they really like you (crude sarcasm is really common in their culture). Thirdly, I thought the same thing of my friends until I burst-fractured my spine in March and was rushed to the ER. I was overwhelmed with how some people even came out of the woodwork to express their condolences.

Based on what you wrote, it sounds like you’re getting close to college. For me, college was the best time of my life (I feel so old saying that). The first thing I noticed was that the cliques that existed in high school suddenly vanished in college, because everyone wanted to be there. Being away from my home also helped - living in a fresh environment can be really healthy.

Stay strong. You’re a warrior and we believe in you. Thank you for reaching out and please keep us updated!


1 Like

Hey Madisonreese, I am from team Out of the Ashes, I can’t and won’t pretend to know how high school is since I was homeschooled but i know a little about cutting and things like that, I used to cut from like 12 to 19, I am 23 now sometimes it doesn’t seem like it will get better but I believe it will. I had thought about killing myself before too but I promise that is never the answer. I found out just last year actually that finding a good job after you graduate school really helps the mood. For instance, I work at Goodwill and I find it really nice I have met some people I would consider friends there and just doing my job seems like it helps alot. Maybe it would for you too, I don’t know but please keep everybody updated on here how you are doing and you will be in my prayers.

1 Like