Life feels like a wrecking ball moving and non-moving. My life feels like its in a million pieces because i’m tired of living it. Tired of existing because i’m a failure. that i’m not good enough.
The past couple days haven’t been easy . Especially this past friday and sunday. Friday i was treated poorly by a sub singling me and 2 other people out . sunday i wanted to relapse but i didn’t. Friday (this past friday) i had an anxiety attack for doing the right thing but it feels like i haven’t due to a conversation i have had with my therapist.
Fast forward to this week , I want to die, i want to harm. I am not okay. I’m tired of living my life i’m tired of being able to handle this, i’m tired of even existing. I don’t want to be here anymore why can’t i just fall through and die and or hurt myself i want to release this pain im feeling.
I have been struggling to be open because of what my therapist said to me because of what i told her what caused one of my anxiety attacks. So i feel like i’m just gonna give up. It’s pointless.
Another thing that has gotten to me is that of what i was told at home by a parent, which made me feel like i was a failure that i wasn’t good enough. I still feel that when i leave my room at my dads i just stare at the door and think “ oh my dads gonna come into my room and say crap to me”. I try my best to correct him and say thats a lie , i often have to repeat myself but when he leaves i feel like a failure that i am not good enough. What’s the point of living because i just would want to commit suicide anyways because i have no point of living , i have no point of even recovering if im just either gonna feel like a burden or if im just gonna get broken , broken,and even more broken.
What is my point is the point of this because i don’t even want to exist. I’m probably gonna lose this battle if i do try to win it. I’m just effing tired of it i know i can do better but i know i would just go into a downward spiral again. What’s the point of even helping me if im just gonna be a broken record. I’m sorry for being broken, a failure, or not even good enough. I’m never gonna be strong enough because my battles are just gonna win at points. Im sorry . thanks for reading this because i’m just a messed up broken human.