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I want to die , i dont want to be alive anymore

Life feels like a wrecking ball moving and non-moving. My life feels like its in a million pieces because i’m tired of living it. Tired of existing because i’m a failure. that i’m not good enough.

The past couple days haven’t been easy . Especially this past friday and sunday. Friday i was treated poorly by a sub singling me and 2 other people out . sunday i wanted to relapse but i didn’t. Friday (this past friday) i had an anxiety attack for doing the right thing but it feels like i haven’t due to a conversation i have had with my therapist.

Fast forward to this week , I want to die, i want to harm. I am not okay. I’m tired of living my life i’m tired of being able to handle this, i’m tired of even existing. I don’t want to be here anymore why can’t i just fall through and die and or hurt myself i want to release this pain im feeling.
I have been struggling to be open because of what my therapist said to me because of what i told her what caused one of my anxiety attacks. So i feel like i’m just gonna give up. It’s pointless.

Another thing that has gotten to me is that of what i was told at home by a parent, which made me feel like i was a failure that i wasn’t good enough. I still feel that when i leave my room at my dads i just stare at the door and think “ oh my dads gonna come into my room and say crap to me”. I try my best to correct him and say thats a lie , i often have to repeat myself but when he leaves i feel like a failure that i am not good enough. What’s the point of living because i just would want to commit suicide anyways because i have no point of living , i have no point of even recovering if im just either gonna feel like a burden or if im just gonna get broken , broken,and even more broken.

What is my point is the point of this because i don’t even want to exist. I’m probably gonna lose this battle if i do try to win it. I’m just effing tired of it i know i can do better but i know i would just go into a downward spiral again. What’s the point of even helping me if im just gonna be a broken record. I’m sorry for being broken, a failure, or not even good enough. I’m never gonna be strong enough because my battles are just gonna win at points. Im sorry . thanks for reading this because i’m just a messed up broken human.

I’m sorry this is how things have been for you and that you feel this way. Your sub shouldn’t have singled you out. Your therapist definitely should not have made you feel worse by questioning you doing the right thing, because you did do the right thing, about which I’m absolutely certain. I’m really sorry your dad makes you feel that way, it’s wrong and goes against what it should mean to be a parent. Despite all of that, there is always a point to recovering, there’s always a point to helping you, and there’s always a point to living. People care about you, and want to see you get better, even if it doesn’t feel like it, there are. You are important, you matter, and you are good enough.

@all_around_ashley, hey, we are all messed up and broken here. It feels hopeless, but it’s not. There is hope in you. There’s many things in life that are beautiful but shrouded from you for now. You matter, you are the point. You are strong and awesome for holding on and not relapsing. We believe in you. You don’t have to be perfect or ‘good enough’ for anyone, just yourself.
Hold Fast, and never give in :slight_smile:

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thanks for the responce , even tho you did responded way later then this post was initionally posterd, i am now a hs graduated (as of may 2019) im now a freshman in highschool . i wish the best for you thanks for responding