I want to die so bad

Would this still be my life right now if I didn’t make a decision? Would I be the happy girl I was? Would I be doing what I loved so much or would it still be taken away from me? Was God wanting me to do wrestling in that time period and I screwed it all up because I made a decision? Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever be myself again? Will I ever stop hating myself? I want wrestling back. I want my life back. And I feel like God isn’t giving it back. I’m so stupid. I should have let go. What is wrong with me? Why didn’t I let go when I should have? My life would be so much better right now. I would be so happy. I would be the girl that made me happy. I would be doing what I loved and I wouldn’t be so angry. Now I lost everything. How could I be so stupid? 7 years of loving wrestling, 3 years of saving money to do it. Made one decision, get out of the situation and finally go for it, and then it disappears. I hate myself. I hope I die. I deserve to be miserable. I hate who I am. I hate everything. I hope I don’t wake up. When I’m dead, that’s when I’ll be the most happiest. I don’t want to exist anymore.

Thanks for sharing. Obviously I don’t know what you’ve been going through or how you feel but the community here is happy your part of the community. I believe you deserve to be happy and I believe God doesn’t want you to feel that you deserve to be miserable. There’s so much of life that I don’t understand but I do feel that God made each of us with unique qualities that we share with those around us that the world benefits from. We don’t always see those things but I believe the qualities are seen and felt by others.