I want to die sometimes

I just have this down there ------ if you wanna skip backstory lol

I’ve posted previously about this kind of lol, but I’m back again asdfjkl;;;. So basically, I’m transgender (want to transition from female to male), and idk I know I should talk to my parents more about it but I don’t know how to bring it up. I’ve asked about starting testosterone (I know I should wait till I’m 16 lol), and my mother said no, while my father said he’ll support me in the future but to enjoy being a kid right now. For some background, I talked to my mother about being trans when I was about 12 (So like 3 years ago), and she was kinda like idk if she accepts me or not tbh. I feel like I need to talk to her more about it, but every time I bring the topic up she ends up being in a bad mood and I usually end up crying after talking with her. Now, with my dad I only told him about 3 months ago, and he talked with me and said he accepts me and support and stuff, but no testosterone until I’m an adult or something idk (he talked about how a lot of studies showed other trans people regret taking testosterone/estrogen as a kid, or like they wanted to de-transition). Now I’m fine with not being able to do it right now because I’m not of age, but I do want to start next year. Like it’s not top priority, but I’ve just been having a lot of bad thoughts idk. At my highschool we have to take I think 2 years of PE, and I’m currently in the female class, and want to switch to the male class. Now, this doesn’t bother me too much since most people don’t know I take female PE other than those classmates, but idk if I can take it anymore. We’re already through with 1/4 of the school year so I feel like it would be weird to ask now, but for my sophomore year I want to switch. But yea those are just random things idk or like not random but you get what I mean. ------ The main reason I’m writing this is because I just want to die sometimes. Not the “I’m so embarrassed” type of thing, though I do feel that lol, but I’ve been having a lot of suicidal thoughts lately and idk what to do. I know I should talk to someone who can help me (I’ve only talked to one friend about it), but I’m nervous and don’t know what to do. With my parents I just idk it’s hard to bring it up, so I wasn’t sure if I should email my counselor about it, because then if they talk to my parents about it, they’ll actually take me seriously for once. Like, idk I always feel bad after bringing it up because they end up in a weird mood and then it’s just awkward. But yea, I seriously need to figure out what to do because it’s just been getting really bad, Last week think I cried on the bus every day after school and almost decided to walk to the bridge near my bus stop instead of home one day. I’ve just been kind of out of it and don’t know what I should do but yea.


Hi @Arohlinh

Sounds like you’re going thru a lot of confusing and some pretty hard stuff.

Have you researched into hormone therapy or actually transitioning? It’s very important to talk to your parents about everything that is going on with you. Especially, if you want to start your journey to be your real self. One thing that has to happen is that you have to be Ok’d by a therapist saying that you’re mentally able to start this. You can’t do it if you’re all messed up, ya know?

So, I encourage you to start talking to someone who can help (like a therapist specializing in transgender stuff) and learn about why you’re feeling these feelings. They are temporary, I promise you.


From: Micro (Discord)

Hey Arohlinh. Thank you so much for reaching out the way you do. It’s so thoughtful and brave of you to decide to reach out before these dark thoughts would become too overwhelming. The worst would be to stay alone with this right now. I’m proud of you for not isolating yourself more than it is. You are loved as you are, really. And even if our society isn’t really best fitted, still, to emphasize the complexity of genders as being so much more than just a male/female opposition. I’d like to support and encourage you in the direction you’ve mentioned: reaching out to the counselor. This is, indeed, a good step to take in your situation. Because right now, it’s important for you to gather allies who would stand with you and help you express your needs. Your parents may react and welcome this in their own way. Your school may also perceive your needs in their own way. But no matter what, you will NEVER be wrong for expressing them. I truly hope though that they would all be understanding. It seems that your dad is already in this process, by supporting you and really trying to understand (reading about experiences regarding transitioning is not nothing!). But he also reacts as a dad and wants to protect you in some way, which is understandable. At least, you seem to be on your way to meet each other halfway, which is awesome. As for your school, I also hope they would understand how you feel about these classes and would work with you on finding adjustments that would help you feel more included in a positive way. You know, our society is what it is. Many people and places still need to learn “how to” make this world more inclusive. That’s why your voice matters so much too. Of course we may not change the world only with our voice. But we can only help others learn and grow too, at our own scale. You being you and bringing up things that creates an unfair pain in your heart are healthy things to do. IT’s scary to be ourselves. Scary to take up space. Scary to use our voice. But each time we do so, we also give ourselves the opportunity to exist, and to stop feeling like we don’t fit in. These dark thoughts don’t deserve you, my friend. You deserve to take up space, with the right allies and at your own pace. I encourage you to reach out to your counselor ans see how it goes from there. If you’d like to, keep us up to speed on what’s going on. We care about you. We want the best for you. You’re loved. <3


From: Lisalovesfeathers (Discord)

Hi Friend, Thank you for your post, its so good to meet you. I can’t say I know an awful lot about the medical rules regarding you transitioning so I will leave that to the experts. I am really happy that you have such a supportive Dad and yes of course he want’s you to be a kid right now, all parents want that for their children, we are children for such a short time. I would really like you to reach out to your Councellor, the way you are feeling is not ok and I do not want you to keep feeling like this. You have a long amazing life ahead of you but now you have to talk to the councellor, if you cant then find someone you can, maybe a school teacher? You are such a special wonderful young person, never forget that and your Mum will come around because she loves you, have patience with her. In the meantime look after yourself and talk about how you feel. You are Loved. Take Care Lisa


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