I mean, its not that I really want to die. But I’m just so tired of everything. I have a family and friends that love me. But I’ve been grappling with depression for as long as I can remember. I’m in too many maladaptive cycles to describe. One of them is self-harm. I have these scars that I hate looking at so I cut over them but then there are just more scars. And I can’t do anything to make them go away. It fuels my self hatred. I now have a cut that definitely should have been stitched but is now too old and slightly inflamed.
I also binge eat. I hate my weight so much and I just want to be skinny. Everyday I starve myself for around 20-21ish hours and then binge eat all my calories in one sitting. I fucking hate it but I can’t control it. I already see a therapist and she is really nice, (i havent told her about my binge eating) but I can’t do this anymore.
I’ve lost motivation to do anything. But so many people are depending on me. I’ve befriended a girl who is literally using me as her life line. And if I kill myself I don’t know what she’d do. I tried to take my life 3 times already last month (the last was a little under 2 weeks ago). I just can’t do anything. I don’t want to wake up in the morning. I just want to sleep and cry and die. Im just so tired of everything. I just want it to all stop. I want to die, but I know that I shouldn’t. I just have this strong urge to take a whole bunch of pills and end it all. (Which I already did the last 3 times). But even taking 20 500mg pills didn’t work last time and it kills you slowly through liver failure. I just want a quick release. The pressure of college and everything is too much for me. I can’t function like everyone else, I’m weak and sensitive and so tired. I don’t know what to do.
Hey shaun, just wanted to tell you i know exactly how you feel man. I have severe depression, bi-polar, bad social anxiety, panic attacks, pretty much you name it. I wasn’t necessarily a “cutter” but would time to time put cigs out on my body and pierce myself or let others do it just to look cool ( by the way tattoos cover up alot). Also saw you tried the pill thing as did I but went a little too far and got brain damage from lack of oxygen, brain hypoxia. Sucked, could barely walk, couldnt drive, had horrible memory all up until about last summer and its been 2 yrs since actual incident. Didnt stop the bad thoughts though, if anything it amplified them. Still struggle on a day to day with those thoughts, but found that they can be pushed back. Once you let them in they tend to stay around. But find things, even little things to take your mind from that moment. Not saying ignore it, but kinda like a vampire once its allowed in theres no stopping it. Also saw you’re in college, which i bet it a huge stresser but man that means you got tons of time for things to change. The fact that you go to a therapist and posted something here is great man, i had the same feeling of wanting to live, just not live my life. Its a battle dude, yes stuff will suck like you wont beleive but learn to take the good in as much as we like to hold on to the bad, balances out over time. You’re strong as hell to be going through and even through attempts you’re still here. The weak are the ones whos brains arent fighting them constantly, youre a badass. Btw i had a friend who was exactly the same, my advice on that is help as you can but dont let them bring you down too, focus on you and when she sees your getting better she might too. Dont go nowhere, keep being a badass
Thank you for sharing here and being so open. I know that you are exhausted from fighting yourself and the weight of depression and harmful cycles. Please stay strong. You have been so strong to fight through those tendencies for such a long time. You are definitely not weak and you are not alone. There are many people who struggle with the same things. On the note of self harm, there’s a Heart Support workbook called ReWrite that I recommend.
It’s a great step in the right direction to be going to therapy and I encourage you to be as open and honest as you can with your therapist so that they can help you. If you need to try multiple therapists, since some are a better personal fit for some things than others, then it’s worth trying. Healing may take time but it IS possible and I hope that you can feel some hope for healing.
If you have to, call the suicide hotline, call someone you trust, spend more time with your therapist, visit a care facility, or anything like that to keep yourself alive. You are wonderful and you matter! We care about you and so do people around you. You can break those cycles with time and we believe in you Hang in there and do whatever it takes because your future holds some great things