I want to die

I just don’t know what to do anymore, my world is falling apart.
I have been seeing visions of like a tall black figure and it never leaves me alone. I have gone back to hurting myself and I want to stop but at the same time I don’t. I want to be alone but I need someone I need help. I’ve gone to a therapist and it doesn’t work. I’m tried, alone, and broken.

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Hi Space_Bear, thank you for being here. :two_hearts:

The feeling you’re experiencing will go away and it’s not what you want, deep inside.
Do you want to tell us more about this “tall black figure”? In what situations do you see it?

Also for the therapist, it’s possible you didn’t met the right one. Maybe trying again with a different therapist would be great. Do you know why the therapy wasn’t helfpul before?

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this but remember you’re not alone. You’re really brave to share this with us and we’re here to give you all the support we can.

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This figure I see, I don’t know what it is. it’s always in the mirror or in the corner of my eye. I hear my name being called and hear like a soft voice and for only being 15 it’s scary and I have gone to hurting myself because of it. I think it wants me dead.

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I think that this is serious. And terrifying. Time to get a psychiatrist and maybe check into inpatient kind of serious —especially if the inpatient wards have therapists and teach skills because those skills can help you the rest of your life and it is a nice tiny vacation where you can start picking up pieces.

I have heard of therapy helping with hallucinations —can I call this black figure and the sounds hallucinations? Does that figure seem real to you or not? Does trying to believe that it is not real make it less real? Just thinking of this as a known hallucination is making me freak out.

I have heard of therapy getting rid of these things, but it was in the context of fringe medicine “look what we can do.” Rather than the mainstream. Medication is the best bet (I am assuming that you want to make the figure go away). Psych meds can make you feel funny and gain weight but sometimes it is medication or problems with nothing in-between. I am a type 1 diabetic and have to poke myself with needles in order to survive. If I had to choose between a pill that makes me feel awful (and most do not) or to see that thing, even if I knew it was not real I would probably pick the meds.

I am super-adaptive when it comes to psychiatric medications. My meds just stop working and I need a new one. As far as I know I have never had success with all but one old medication. It happens. If you are on meds now, then this could be happening. If you are not on medication and want to be on medication, then do not let this happen and do not stop taking a medication unless you have a doctor’s permission (this prevents you stopping because you feel fine and then everything escalates and you light yourself on fire).

If you are willing to do medication (and describing the black figure to your parents should get you that), I recommend writing a journal about what is going on now. Make it detailed and candid and as scary as you want, because you are making it for you, when the medication is working and you feel like there is not a thing wrong with you except for the many things that you think are side-effects of a medication that you do not think that you need because you have no symptoms and so you must be cured, right? Read the journal. My mother’s half of the family has a lot of mental illness and the biggest problems are always when someone stops taking their medication. I do not know why they do this, but they do, and then everything falls apart. Take some pictures down here where everything has fallen apart so that you will remember what that pill is for, because forgetting why and then not taking it is the biggest risk that I know of when it comes to psychiatric medications.

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keep reaching out and don’t give up. the therapist you visited many not have been the right person for your situation. continue to seek out and always try to talk about your feelings. keeping them inside will only make the situation worse. Keep your head up! We’re here for you!