I want to end it so bad

I can’t form anything I’m currently thinking into words.

I want to cut myself again. I haven’t in almost half a year but the need for it is slowly creeping back to me.

I want to feel the cold sharp blade of my glasses tear through my skin, like a knife slashing through paper.

I want to feel something again.

It’s endless.

It’s happened before and it’s starting to happen again.

I’ve been thinking of suicide for the past 4-5 months…

Maybe it’s time to actually go through with something.

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And then I did it. I cut myself.

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Did it help? What’s changed in your life that triggered the urge to cut? What needs to change? Not cutting for six months is a very good thing. Acknowledge that accomplishment. That you cut now doesn’t diminish the benefit from not having cut for six months.

Such numbness is often associated with depression, grief or anxiety. It’s one way the mind attempts to separate itself from those feelings. Numbness blunts the feelings related to emotional burdens. Problem is, it doesn’t discriminate. It prevents a person from feeling positive emotions as well.

It’s exceptionally heroic to avoid cutting for six months if you’re still dealing with the emotional numbness.

Do you have a therapist? This would be a good time to work with one.

It’s also a good time to do things that engage your senses, like going for a walk, going sightseeing, or if you have one, engage with a pet, or do something else fun.

Can you call and talk to someone?

Thanks for sharing here, Wings

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From: ManekiNeko

I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. I’m so sorry these feelings are weighing down on you. I do hope that if it helps, you don’t carry it alone. Even if it’s just being around someone who bring a bit of joy to your life and can share some good memories for you to think about.
You are worthy and loved. Your life is precious. Life can throw some pretty unfair curve balls, but I hope we can share the ride with you and that you feel a sense of hope because we care about you.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hey Rayden, wow almost a half of a year without self harm is something to be proud of. I used to self harm and it took me a few tries to actually quit. The times in between relapses got farther apart and I found other ways to “feel” without hurting myself. It was really hard, but I used the coping skills I learned and eventually, I stopped. You’re going to have bad days, so remember the coping skills that got you thru almost a year of being clean. They worked and they will continue to work, don’t give up on yourself. You are loved and you matter. ~Mystrose

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Hey Rayden,

I just want you to know that I see you. I may not fully understand your pain right now, but from what I have seen in your previous posts…you are a fighter. You may not see it right now, but you are. Take time to build up the strength to realize that about yourself. I want to share with you a song that has helped me when I get to a low valley in life.

Find some time. Find a quiet place. Listen & read the words. I hope you come back to this song when you need it. For King & Country is one of my favorite bands of all time…I have seen them MANY times live and they are amazing. Breathe in deeply. Take it one day at a time. Give yourself grace. Be kind to yourself. One foot after another, you got this!

You are valid. You are enough. You are strong. You are important. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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Hey Rayden,

Thank you for coming here and trusting us enough to tell us about your struggle. I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling more lately with harm. Just remember, that every day you go without it is a victory. It doesn’t matter if it’s day 1, or day 180. It is still a victory, and it is just as important.

Though it is easier said than done, try not to focus in so much on the day that you weren’t able to say no. You found a way to go without it for months, so you found something that worked. I am sure that you had other struggles and hardships in that time which tempted you. Focus in on what worked for you in than run, and keep finding those victories.

You got this, friend. We’re here for you :hrtlovefist:

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, Thank you for this post. Im sorry that these urges have returned, I have been there myself in the past so I am aware of how that feels although that was a long time ago for me. I see that you did finally give in to your urges and its ok, occasionally we all give in to urges what ever they are. Life can be very tough and the urges can be very strong, it in no way makes you a failiure and it also doesnt mean you have to give up. I hope that by giving in to that urge it helped you to feel better in some way and that you are not too hurt and now you can return to taking care of yourself and not self harming anymore. Half a year is wonderful and that isnt over, you just carry on where you left off. As for anything else, please keep reaching out and talking. Your life is worth so much more that any act to end it. You are worth more. You are loved and valued. Please remember that. Much Love Lisalovesfeathers. x

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From: twixremix

hi rayden,

going almost half a year without self harm is a huge accomplishment and took a lot of hard work to get to this point. you replied that you had gone through with harming again and want to echo wings’ questions of what brought on these urges again and how can your heartsupport community best support you to keep fighting? we’re always here to listen to you, to be your shoulder to lean on, and offer any resources you need to protect yourself.

from what you’ve shared, i can feel the emotions that are running within you and hope the distress you’re going through has eased up a bit since last night. i know i’m just another username you see in pixels on your screen but please know there’s another person on the other side of your screen that cares for you and your wellbeing. i truly believe you can feel something again that doesn’t hurt you and a good first step to that is reaching out to trained professionals (therapist, counselor) or a trusted friend/family member for direct support. you don’t have to go through this alone. i hope to hear from you again. in the meantime, do something kind for yourself… you deserve it.

love,
twix

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From: Mamadien

Rayden, I’m sorry that you are struggling again. I’m glad that you are feeling safe enough to come here and talk about what is going on in your life. I hope being able to talk about what is happening helps. Can I ask, do you have a therapist to talk with? That may be very helpful in working through what is happening with the urge to harm returning. Please know that you are valued here. Your life has meaning and the world is better with you here. I’m glad you’re part of the HS community. Please let us know how you are.

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Hey @Rayden - Just checking in. How are you doing since you’ve posted?

You are loved and cared for. :hrtlegolove: