Life has been difficult to say the least and I am fighting the urge to do something really bad.
I am fighting the thoughts in my head and the desire to relapse and to OD and never wake up again.
Ever day now, I wake up and I hate myself and everything even more. It makes me want to never see another day.
It drives me nuts that I have no good reason to feel like this,
All I want is for all of this to stop.
Why am I invisible to everybody now that I need to be seen, now that I need people around me to hold me? What have I done wrong to deserve this much pain?
All I want is for somebody to see or hear me in this and acknowledge that i cannot live like that and that i am struggling for my life.
If nothing happens, i have to make things happen.
I am sorry, but I too far gone to come back, i do not want to live anymore.
There is nothing you can say or do to make this less true; I am an invisible loser and no one will miss me.
Thanks all of you that made the last months and years less awful.
I would miss you. I would miss you terribly. I would be devastated and so would your nephew.
I know it feels scary right now and painful, but I want you to look at how far you’ve come. You have overcome SO MUCH! Three years sober!!?? That is absolutely amazing.
I know that it feels like you’ve been fighting for so long and getting no where, like the greek myth where the man is doomed to pushing the boulder up the hill for the rest of his life and everytime he almost makes it to the top, he starts back at the bottom. I know it feels like that, but this is not a greek myth and everytime you take a step back you never end up completely back at the bottom. Healing is not linear, it’s a journey. And although I don’t know exactly what that journey looks like for you, I do KNOW with certainty that there are better days ahead than those that have passed. I know that there is joy, purpose, passion and healing in store for you.
How do I know this? because of who you are. You are kind. You are smart. You are brave. You are resilient. You are empathic. You are vulnerable. You are creative. You are deep. You are loving. You are gentle. You are compassionate. You are selfless. You are a grace giver. You are so much more than the lies your brain is telling you right now.
I can guarantee you that you won*t even hear about it or notice that i am gone.
I am already gone apparently, no one knows I am around, so no one will know when i am not.
I always knew i will end up dying in a ditch or dark and cold street corner, alone, all by myself.
Thank you for everything you have done for me though.
I’m aware that we yet have to know each other. But I’ve seen you on the SW for a moment now.
I saw the things you shared about you, about yours struggles, also your past addiction. Always with a lot of discretion and delicacy, and a certain amount of privacy - that always has to be respected.
I saw you reaching out and allowing yourself to be vulnerable during some very tough nights, and days.
I saw you pouring out and being such a caring person to people who posted here, multiple times.
I saw the poetry in your words. This capacity that you have to share your heart in such a subtle way - enough to be relatable, and enough to protect yourself as well.
I don’t forget about the book you wrote about your own experience about addiction. I also don’t forget this powerful message you posted once about the need for people to be understanding and non-judging when it’s about mental health.
I didn’t have to go back to your posts to remember and know all of this. Because you are not invisible. Your battles are not invisible. I see you. And I’m not the only one.
Even more, you are truly cared for.
I see someone who has such a giant heart, who has a great sense of self-awareness, who has a gift with words. But also a heart and a soul who need to be reminded sometimes of how loved and precious they are. That’s why we are here. All reunited. Thank you for being here. I couldn’t stress that enough.
I check up on you more than you know sweet gal. I would know. I would notice. You are important to me and to this community. Dive more into this place and you will see how much more love we have to give you.
You are a survivor. You are a fighter. You are a victor. Not a victim. Kill the things inside of you that are bothering you. Not yourself. God loves you.
My life is tough too right now. Been through a lot of sh*t. Sorry I can’t be there to help, but please remember you’re not alone in your sufferings
If you want to live your life, then you also have a desire to live! You and us just need to help your will to live be far stronger than you feeling you wish to die
