So after way too many years of suicidal impulses and general severe depression, I went and sought help. Long story short, I’m now on medication to manage my depression, and now that I’m adjusted (it was a rocky road), I can’t remember the last time I fell to pieces.
But I also can’t remember the last time I felt anything… I’m a musician, and for years I coped by writing music. I haven’t been able to write for over 6 months now… my empathy is gone (though still existent merely through habit); I’m mostly indifferent to just about everything, and I don’t know if it’s better or worse.
I guess I don’t know what I’m getting at here…I feel suicidal but it doesn’t upset me, and I can’t bring myself to be close to anyone.
Not sure what I want to achieve, I just know that this isn’t really it.
I’ve never been a creative person, but I’ve definitely lost interest in things I used to love… Medication sadly can have weird affects like that. I’ve been suicidal real bad the last few weeks, the urges to harm really extreme too… I know how it feels to be so far in that - you want someone to see you and help pull you out, but you don’t want anyone to see you in it. The thing I’d suggest, is do things with the people you are close to. Sometimes, going back to activities with other people, reignites the spark and helps us to enjoy things again.
Honestly, doctors usually encourage their patients to seek therapy a long side medication because of exact situations like this. and it’s proven to be more effective. I know for me personally, my medication is not enough. I need the therapy - it’s the one thing that keeps me going, the medication just helps to balance things out. Maybe if that’s a possibility, you could try and find therapy/counselling. I believe it will really help.
This absence of feeling or motivation is something common with depression. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this.
Few years ago, I’ve got to that point of not enjoying anything anymore, because of depression too. It was really frustrating and scary at the same time. What helped me was to accept that it will get better over time and I would be able to enjoy again activities I was used to. Also, to help me going on, I tried to keep a journal of what I accomplished every day, even reallly small things. So even if I didn’t enjoy what I did, I was able to see what I’ve done, so I could stay on the right track and not withdraw into myself too much. I also tried to explore different things/hobbies each day, so I didn’t have to do things for too long.
Try to focus on small goals. It’s quite normal for the moment if you can’t do things you already did before you started this medication or even before depression. Things will get better and you’ll be able to get back to write music, even if it may take some time.
Sending much love to you. <3