I want to forgive myself and reconcile with a few lost friends after I messed up

This is probably a lot for a first post, but this is something that I’ve been wanting to vent out.

It’s been a week since I have made a mistake that has damaged my friendship with my friends, and I’ve been feeling guilty ever since.

In summary, I have said some very debilitating things about myself after being envious to my friends. I was in a group chat with three other friends, where two of them are in a relationship, while I had lingering feelings with Nora even when was taken. They were discussing and planning double dates together, and I felt left out from the conversation as I was the only single person in the group.

It started out with me making jokes about me being a fifth wheel, but because: one, I felt left out; and two, I still had unresolved feelings for my friend Nora even when she had a boyfriend, I got so upset that my “jokes” escalated to me loathing myself and expressing self-hatred, which killed the overall lighthearted vibe my group chat had. I was extremely envious that my friends are in a happy relationship with others before me and that Nora managed to find someone as a boyfriend, leaving me with nothing. I feel as though my friends are more experienced and knowledgeable than me in everything despite being around my age, and I felt extremely self-conscious about myself.

While my friends tried to cheer me up and complimented me to move on from the conversation, I continued to rant about my negative traits and said more bitter things about myself, which eventually drifted the group chat away. In retrospect, this was a very foolish thing for me to do as I was being egotistical when I ranted about how unlovable I am. Eventually, Nora blocked me from all forms of communication, and my other friends went silent since this incident. When Nora blocked me, I was panicking and intensely worried, as I still wanted to maintain some form of communication and let my last words out, but I got to send her a message expressing remorse before she went no contact for a while.

Nora was a friend in the group chat that I had a situationship with back in my junior year, and she was a very special person to me that has uplifted my mood at the time. We had the same hobbies, liked many anime and games together, went out to some places together, and even had some romantically intimate moments. However, the situationship became complicated as she was already in a long-distance relationship of two years with another guy, and she also developed some feelings with me. A month into the situationship, she ultimately decided to remain friends as she didn’t want to complicate her long-distance relationship any further and apologized for letting the situationship happen. While I understood her circumstances, I was heartbroken to hear that from her, and I felt very dejected from the situationship breakup, knowing that we could’ve done so much more, hadn’t she been in a preexisting relationship. It has been two years since the situationship, and I still haven’t moved past these feelings.

Going back on topic, after I reached out to her that night, she sent me some messages about how things are lately with the both of us before temporarily blocking me. While she reassured that she still considers me as part of her closest friends, she told me that some distance was necessary for me to heal to get over any romantic feelings for her, as I continued to depreciate myself occasionally even after the situationship had ended. I felt thankful that she tried to help me on several occasions to get over my feelings for her and get me to love myself more, but because of my selfish desires, I continue to self-depreciate in pursuit of seeking comfort from her. I kept ranting about my personal complications, which overwhelmed my friend to the extent that it has become too unsustainable for her to continue providing an outlet for me. She also implored me to seek help from a therapist, spend time with other friends, and find other hobbies to get her off my mind before blocking me on all forms of communication. I feel very guilty for taking her advice and company for granted, clinging onto false hope and taking an incessantly long time, if not refusing, to get over her, especially after expressing my envious feelings to her and my friends.

I also apologized to my other friends for losing my composure and saying some very debilitating comments about myself. They were somewhat understanding of my situation, saying that they understood where I came from and how I felt in this situation. Like what Nora has suggested, My friends also requested that I seek help and told me that if I don’t take any actions to improve, my feelings of self-hatred and envy is only going to destroy me and my relationships in the long run. I promised my friends that I’d seek help and find ways to love myself again, as I’m going to another country to visit my extended family and connect with my grandparents and cousins there, as well as visiting some museums and other attraction sites there.

For the past week, I discovered a new hobby in blogging, and I’ve been documenting my thoughts, feelings, and experiences on my personal blog ever since. Although I do not really like writing too much, it has helped me articulate whatever is on my mind better and also bettered my writing skills. I usually find myself waking up in a clearer mood, if not better. I have other friends that have been supporting me on this journey as I had been venting to them about this, and they have also been reading my blog posts.

As I began to read more into what Nora said, I realized that I really needed time off from her to mentally recover, since I have put too much effort in trying to be close to her romantically, and I was too needy of a friend. I tried to make several attempts in trying to distance myself from her, and even tried to temporarily block her at some point, but I was afraid to commit to it, as I had found it difficult for me to take time off her when I’m so used to being around her, and that I didn’t like the idea of losing friends. I really want to thank Nora and my other friends for giving me a reality check that I’m still a valuable person and providing me this opportunity to heal when I couldn’t do it myself.

I’m currently on vacation with my brother on the opposite hemisphere for the summer, and I wanted to get my thoughts out as I’m feeling lonely in another country. I’ve been taking an effort on treating myself better lately, where I’d go out on parks, be able to sleep consistently, write blog posts and depreciate myself less. While I feel better about myself compared to a week ago, these thoughts have been negative have been somewhat resurfacing after a day in another country and it makes me feel alone at times.

Although I’m aware that this recovery takes time and trust, I really want to reconcile with my friends and Nora as they mean a lot to me during high school up to now. As per my family, friends, and therapist’s suggestions, I have been reflecting about my actions, recognizing my mistakes in my blogs, and spending time with family more, and I’m willing to move on from my past mistakes. I’m currently taking my time to forgive and love myself, and I plan on reconciling with them after a month of no contact, as I’m striving to let go of my past mistakes for a month or two. I won’t be expecting an immediate response from my friends when I get to talk to them, but I’m very thankful that they still care about me and still cherish me as a close friend.

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Welcome sillygoose, you really do articulate yourself so very well. Reading your post just now I feel a connection to some of the things you have experienced and some of the events that have taken place.
Of course my journey varies from yours in some ways, but I also had a friend that I depended on and fell into that self deprecating cycle with. You did what I could not at the time and have acknowledged how that impacts friendships and how that also impacts you as a person.
It’s almost like hearing people affirm we are not bad people gives us the hit we need. It is great to have friends that support and love us, but it’s also great realising we are always worthy of that support and love and we don’t have to sacrifice our mental health to get it.

I know that loneliness is a very hard place to sit. I’m proud of you for taking the steps of healing before the bridges were burnt. I have to forgive myself for the damage I caused people and I have to recognise I am no longer that person, and I believe that as hard as time is, it will help you to also know you are not a burden. It’s okay to struggle and need help, and it’s also okay to remind ourselves that in the midst of our pain, our existence is still valued.

I am wishing you so much love and peace on your journey x

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