I want to get lost

[Impala67]

Hi, Well…
I just wanna hurt myself with anything, i wanna cut my body, smoke a fucking cigarrette, drink until i can’t remember my own name, i wanna make me self harm and hide it, but i know that i can’t do that because somebody can see it and ask why i did that and i could say that i don’t fucking Know, i’m in pain, i can’t with me, i hate myself and i wanna hurt me and forget everything, i’m so far from my boyfriend, i miss him so much, we discuss about a lot of things and i don’t wanna be like that, i hit myself when we are arguing and i don’t know how to stop feeling like this.
My boyfriend say that i have to get better, but i don’t fucking know, i get jealous all the time that i can’t stop.
If he see the scars that i made to myself, he can feel sad and worried.
I haven’t hurt myself, just hit me, but i didn’t anything of this, i swear, but i want to…
A sad girl that wants to find a way to not self harm…

[Micro]

Dear @Impala67,

My heart goes out to you. I hear you. And I want you to know that your voice is heard, that your heart is seen. You are not alone, friend. And I’m so, so glad that this place keep being a safe one for you to let things off your chest. There’s a huge amount of love for you here, always.

When you’re in pain, it makes sense to look after a relief, any kind of relief, as long as it would help to release this voice screaming inside of you. There are moments when I feel the same way. Feeling like there’s this energy deep inside that’s eating me alive and just need to get out, away, far away from me. In these moments, I’d do anything to stop feeling, to numb myself and scream how much it hurts. Alcohol, cigarettes, sefl-harm are, indeed, some of the things we’re tempted to lean on almost automatically. But we both know that those aren’t a solution and would only add another layer of pain in the long run. You don’t deserve any harm, sweet friend. When you are struggling, you only deserve a lot of kindness and compassion. An ear to listen, a heart to understand, a huge amount of hugs and a voice to remind you that you’ll be okay.

I’m also sorry you feel like you need to hide your struggles to your boyfriend. I hear your concerns though. It’s normal to be worried about making him sad, or maybe even facing some misunderstandings. But as your boyfriend, he might be in a position to listen and support you. You said that you discuss a lot together but also that you have arguments sometimes. If I may ask, do you manage to communicate together about those things? Do you feel like there is a room for both of you to support each other when life gets difficult?

Regarding self-harm specifically, I also want to encourage you to have a look at the following resources:

• Workbook ReWrite : You probably already heard about it since you’ve been in this community for a certain time now, but this workbook is a very great resource. Also, it can be used both by you and your boyfriend - there’s a whole part made for people who know and want to support someone who struggles with self-harm. The digital version is cheaper and you can get the online amazon app to read it (it’s free), if getting a physical copy would be difficult or too long.
• Calm Harm Free App : this app provides a lot of alternative ideas for when you feel an urge to hurt yourself in any way. It suggests you to pick what’s your need at the moment, depending on how you feel, then to select a suggestion from a list, and to try it for 5 or 15 minutes. Eventually, you can repeat it or switch for a different activity if you don’t feel better after the first try.

I’m sending a lot, lot of hugs to you, dear Impala. This is a rough season, but you will make it through. Please keep reaching out, seek resources that might be helpful. There is nothing shameful about what you’re going through, nothing wrong for having a hard time. You are so, so loved.

[Impala67]

Thank you so much, your words means a lot to me, i been thinking about hurt myself with anything and i really need to listen that i don’t deserve that, that my body feels okay without any scar and that i will be okay, the things that you say, wow i can’t describe the feelings inside of me, but it feels right.
By the way, i talk with my boyfriend and i told him everything from the bottom from my heart and he understand how i been feeling lately.
I am so grateful
I send you all the good vibes and a warm Hugo wherever that you are.
You are an angel.
You are so loved too.
We don’t deserve any of this, we are loved and important.
We have to keep fighting.
I feel brave, i’m not afraid to say how i feel to my boyfriend, if i talk with love and compassion with him, i know that he will understand.
I cry for your lovely words, i love it.
ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING.
Find a reason to live, since the smell of a good coffee, until the noise of the rain. Love everything, love yourself and remind yourself that you still here, breathing and feeling everything.
With all the love, a girl who is healing and getting better.

[Micro]

Thank you so much for your reply, Impala. And a huge thank you for your kind words as well. I really appreciate it and it goes straight to my heart today.

I’m also really glad that you can talk about all of this with your boyfriend. It’s so important for both partners to give room for their own feelings, both individually and together.

You know you have a safety net here as well, with friends who will keep walking on this healing path with you. Always.

I hope the end of 2020 was a little less stressful to you and you found some healthy relief since your first post. As we just entered in 2021, I wish you the best for this new year. Let’s just try to keep growing, to keep taking care of ourselves, to use the resources and support we need when times are difficult, but also to just embrace simple joys - such as the noise of the rain and the smell of coffee, right?

You’re loved, friend. I believe in you. We all do here.