Everyone here tells me to stay strong and to keep fighting but on days like today I just want to give up I didn’t even want to get out of bed today but I had to so I could eat my mom was making dinner when I came out of my room and she only had two plates out cooking dinner for the two of them I’m not surprised by that I got something to drink and went back to my room after that not once did either of my parents come in and say hey dinner is ready they ate then watched tv and I just heard them going to bed its not okay to starve I know that so I did eat but I wish my family would know that too they just don’t care I’ve been trying to drown the voices out with distractions all day but cause I have social anxiety its harder cause I can’t do social things to drown them out and its not working the voices say I’m better off dead and I even thought about drowning myself again I thought about it before a couple weeks ago but I stopped when I was staring into the bathtub imagining it but this time I actually googled how to drown in a bathtub and I could have done it while my parents were awake they been complaining I need to take a shower I could have told them I was going to take one but end up drowning myself in the bathtub but I didn’t and I can’t now cause there asleep they would find it strange why a bathtub or shower is running
Skyler,
Dude I’m so sorry that you’re facing all of this. To feel inconsequential to your parents…like you’re invisible or you don’t matter…to feel like the simplest thing, dinner, could be a privilege they don’t give you…don’t even notice…I’m so sorry that it feels like you’re ignored and unimportant…and then on top of that to feel like with those experiences, it only adds fuel to the fire of these thoughts of wanting to end your life…that those thoughts become all the more enraged and all the louder after feeling another pang of worthlessness hit you…it makes sense that you’re fantasizing about ending your life because it feels like there’s no hope of it ever changing…it feels like your whole life people have been telling you that you are the problem. That you’re worthless, that you are the issue…and it feels like you can look back and can’t remember a time when that wasn’t the case, and you look forward and you think there’s never going to be a day when I’m loved, or when I can find friends, or when I can have hope…and so you feel like the pain you’re in today is too unbearable to keep moving forward, and you feel like moving forward is only going to bring more pain, so you fantasize about the day when you don’t have to experience that pain anymore…it makes total sense.
In fact, I remember being at that place in my own life…my entire day was feeling worthless, feeling worthless, more evidence of why I should feel worthless, more people rejecting me, more failure, more pain, more worthlessness…then I’d get home and hide from everyone in video games and porn – I wasn’t Nate in those worlds, so no one could find me or hate me or hurt me – and I’d spend all of my hours escaping into this alternate world where I was safe. When I finally turned my computer off at the end of the night, though, the dam of hollowness and self-hatred broke open and flooded me, and every night I’d think – what is the point of my life? It’s literally just going to be like this for another 75 years, and then I’m going to die. Why would I want to live that kind of life? I hated the way things were, and I didn’t anticipate them ever getting better. I thought – maybe there’s a shortcut to the end of all this, because I can’t deal with taking this journey the full distance.
You are not alone in what you’re feeling. I know I didn’t go through the exact same thing, but I went through something similar enough to say – hey, we’re in this together, Skyler. And I know people “keep telling you things will get better”, and while I believe that to be true, I know that at this moment it’s almost impossible for you to see. So what I want to say is, “You have to do something different to make things better.” I had social anxiety, too, and the turning point of my story was when I said, “Yes,” to someone inviting me to an event I was terrified to go to … it had people I didn’t know – and a lot of them…I usually equated being with other people to being rejected and hurt, but I knew that my life was on a path towards a place I didn’t want to go to, and I had to make a choice to do something different…even if it meant getting hurt, it certainly couldn’t be worse than wanting to kill myself, because worst case, it just meant I still wanted to kill myself, right? So I said yes, and I went, and I went back, and eventually I found people who cared about me and loved me and gave a shit when they asked, “How are you?”
I know it’s terrifying to try something different…you have so much evidence that people = bad, people = pain, people = rejection…I totally get that. I’m not even proposing that you won’t get hurt…what I am proposing is that right now where you’re at, ALL YOU EXPERIENCE is hurt…the only difference between trying something different and continuing where you are is that where you are has no hope of things getting better…and something different at least has a chance to move you to a better place.
And you can post here before you go about all of the fear you’re experiencing, and you can post here afterwards about all of the anxiety you dealt with while you were there…you can use this as your “safe place” to come back to – your anchor place where you are safe to be hurt and you are safe to be afraid, and with the help of this community you can walk through this journey … without being alone. And that can be an empowering shift – to know that you can take a risk and still come “home” to people who love you.
What do ya say?
-Nate
@Skyler, friend I’m sorry that you have been struggling with these feelings recently. I know how hard things have been for you recently, but I want you to know that you matter and that you still belong in this life. It has been such a good point brought up by everyone here that this may be ignorance on the part of your parents, or that they are scared that they have to confront these struggles of yours at all because they may have no experience with them. I am so happy that @Danjo and others responded to this post on stream. We want you to be safe and healthy because we care about you. You have a place in this community and this WORLD.
Love you friend, hold fast.
Sorry I never replied back shortly after I wrote that my family had kind of a sudden family emergecy that happened so it pulled me from being social and talking on Heartsupport but it’s over with now so everything has returned to normal in my house but there now treating me even worser and it seems everyday there just something bad that happens which worsens it I’m enrolled in schooling now so still being social is pretty limited but I have time right now so I can watch the twitch video and reply back sorry it took like 3 months
I don’t have social anxiety when I talk here which is rare and I like it when there are things that don’t cause my anixety so it feels easyer to open up here I know feelings can change but when the bad ones come everything in my life is just bad or we are already having a hard time then we have sudden things thrown at us like really expenstive medical bills that we can’t afford to pay off during those times my family is at it’s worse at me and they make it clear that they see me as the most worthless ungreatful brat ever and scream what seems to be daily that I’m worthless to them and they are tiered of me so thinking of giving up just seems to be better then trying to get thought day by day until things do settle down I wish Koi_Joy was right but my family dosn’t give me space they are always checking to see what I’m looking at and going thought everything I own I do agree we need better communcation and I’ve tried but they won’t my dad is always easily pissed at me and my mom either ijnores or hears selected words I say when I talk I’ve brought it up with her about it but she only ever ijnores it I feel like they are going to have to grow a additional brain to understand cause it’s been like this for as long as I can remember and no matter what I try or do nothing will make them wake up and see I’m hurting cause of what they do they even told me once that I’m crazy saying all that stuff they treat me well compared to how some people are treated in this world I’ve tried recently asking for help with depression I wanted therpy cause I can’t do meds my mom answer was we will see which ends up in a no at my house so I pushed multiple times about it got the same answer I’ve seen betterhelp ads on tv I would love to try it but you have to pay and my parents are noesy with what I do with money I couldn’t say it was for some video game there going to see it on the credit card bill Casey was suppose to email me the book or something like that but I never heard back from him my family acutally has plans to move I’m not sure when but when they do I will tell you then you can mail the drawing my family will be busy with the move so they won’t be going thought the mail as much
It’s really early like 2am and I’ve not slept for probly like 20 plus hours so I’m acutally going to head to bed now I might be able to reply back tommarow if you respond not sure depends on how busy school makes me
Is there another place I could send your artwork too so that you can still have it?
I’m so sorry I never replied back and sort of basicly disappered I had family things going on I watched the video a couple days ago it was really nice I’ve been stressed out so it was a little helpful I don’t sadly think it’s either of those they just seem like they don’t care about me and that the hurt they put me thought dosn’t matter to them I can say to them I got called this or that by them and there answer would be no we never dared said those things like it just never happened you won’t be able to reach me on Discord right now so really sorry if you been trying to do that I had to clear most of my social media out cause I’m enrolling into a online school I will try getting on Heartsupport when I need it but school going to keep me busy so I don’t really know how much I can be active