I want to help and dont know how

[i am really sorry if the contents of this post look scattered, im not really having any idea how to talk about this when thoughts are jumping in my head]

Hi. I have a really deep concern about my friend, or actually (I don’t know,) partner?..
We met like 2 years ago and I’ve developed a really huge bag of feelings for him, but thats not the thing–

So, to keep it simple - he has a of disorder, and I really want to help, but I can’t because he says it’s not possible (well, to be accurate, “said(?)”, here’s why:)

This summer we kind of got split and went adrift because of my wish to help that i was enforcing really hard, so it all kind of broke when one day he just turned really repulsive as well, despite my attempts to have things going, it just stood awful, if anything I only made myself sad too, because he was really insistent on that the resolution for this isn’t going to appear any time soon (cute way of saying never), and I was just kind of poking him with a stick

Couple days ago we reunited and he seems a bit more chill with some stuff but I’m still really concerned because, well, pic related

About the “partner”: He didn’t really wanted to push anything before the summer accident and when we met up after all this time he kind of say “we are dating, aren’t we?” I don’t know honestly.

The rest can be gathered from the screenshot

My final question - How do I act…? I know damn well I might be a lot for this guy especially when I’m a hyperactive idiot that just won’t shut up, but I am truly worried, I would cry about it, and I don’t want any loss to happen

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From: ManekiNeko

hey nekofox! Sounds like a fair bit is going on here. To try to understand and break it down- he broke up with you because of this disorder and he didn’t think anything could help?
And he’s been experiencing depressive episodes?
Does that sound accurate?
While we can’t force people to let us into their lives, if you are concerned about their welfare you could message them and ask them how they are feeling. Or if you notice that they are posting anything that sounds like they would be a danger to themselves, you can always share some resources with them.
Here are some if you feel you need to share them. Crisis + MH resources

I’d also encourage them to talk to perhaps a professional about what’s going on. Hey don’t have to push everyone away and deal with things by themselves. Unfortunately we can’t force people to actively participate in starting to get better, but we can encourage and support.

I hope that made sense and answered something for you! Take care of yourself too

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Hey @nekofox,

Thank you so much for reaching out and posting here. There is indeed a lot happening in this situation, and it is really beautiful to see how much you care about this person. It is certainly intertwined with complex feelings and needs on both ends, but you are trying, without a doubt, to do your best to be present for them.

One thing that I would like to encourage you to do is to try to distinguish what is about your needs and what belongs to his needs. The way you describe your interactions, it looks like he is not ready to be helped the way you want to, and unfortunately when it comes to vulnerability, or even healing trauma, then help cannot be forced. It makes completely sense that you really want to help and that this situations causes a lot of distress to you. Although this anxiety that you feel needs to be addressed with yourself, as it is about your needs at the moment. It makes sense to want to be the person who breaks down some walls for the people we care about. But unfortunately, trying to be that person while he isn’t ready to be helped immediately is something that is likely to hurt you both.

On the positive side, what you can do though, for both you and him, is to

  1. learn to accept the limits you cannot cross in this situation, to learn to be at peace with what you cannot control, that his decisions are his own
  2. simply be a healthy and safe presence to him in his life. When I was struggling the most, sometimes the most healing interactions I could have were not about sharing my traumas or diving into what hurts, but having simple quality time with people I love (having a walk outside, playing a game together, doing pleasant activities together… overall, things that bring life again while my heart was feeling empty of it). You may not be the person he would talk to at the moment, but you can be this constant force of stability and care in his life. That alone can help strengthen your bonds, and show him that you care about *him, no matter what he struggles with.
  3. As wonderful ManekiNeko said, you can also look after some resources to share with him, and let him know that he could use it anytime. Crisis resources of course, but also safe spaces like this community for example. I would also recommend to encourage him to seek therapy if that isn’t the case already. As he has been into a professional service before, he may have had a bad experience and believe that no one can help, but that’s where you can help to, by gently encouraging him to not prevent himself to be supported because of a couple of wrong experiences. It often takes time to find the right professional for us personally, but the good news is that as scary as it is, he wouldn’t have to go through that process alone as he has allies like you by his side. I myself don’t share a lot of very personal things to my partner, but I do share with some friends in this community – and that’s okay. Sometimes, having a third place to be our vulnerable self, outside of close relationships, can also give a breather to everyone involved. Because beyond his struggles, you are also related by bonds that are not defined by his condition.

Through all of this, please make sure to take care of yourself too. Being a helper, especially when it’s for someone we love so dearly, can be extremely draining and exhausting. It’s okay to have times for yourself, to focus on you too, to do things you like and lighten your mood. That will never make you selfish. On the contrary, taking care of yourself will also allow you to be more present to him when you interact together. To be the best version of yourself that you can be for the people you love too. :hrtlegolove:

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