I just want to leave this world indefinitely, or speed up to the time when I am older and away from all the shit that I go through.
But at the same time I’m afraid to die, which is why all my suicide attempts went wrong.
I’m still here.
And I’m grateful. But I still want to leave.
Even if I’m afraid to die. There has to be another way.
Hi @gixxelle,
It is so hard to be divided between these thoughts. This will to leave, yet being deeply attached to life. I know those feelings too well, this constant sensation of being on the thin line of existence. Like being alive, but not entirely. Like seing life happening while feeling outside of it, yet being aware that you’re actually breathing and existing. Sometimes it’s overwhelming, sometimes it’s heartbreaking.
It’s only recently that I started to realize how much some things I’ve been through are preventing me to actually embrace my life. As you mentioned that you’re going through a difficult season yourself, would you like to talk about it? There’s no obligation and no pressure to share. Just know that you can, whether it’s here or privately.
But at the same time I’m afraid to die, which is why all my suicide attempts went wrong.
Hey I’m glad you’re still here. There’s still a huge difference between life and death that you have to keep in mind, even when you’re hurting: as long as you have breath in your lungs, everything is possible. Opportunities can arise, different people can be met, joyful moments can be experienced.
You are right. You are still here. “I’m still here” are such powerful words. It’s such a powerful statement. And what a beautiful thing to know that! You are a person, a unique human being on Earth. And the circumstances you’re facing right now are meant to change.
This will to leave has also a reason to be. It has to be acknowledged. Understood. But it doesn’t have to be listened. Did you already have the opportunity to talk about it with a therapist or a counselor? Sometimes, receiving some insights from professionals can be of a great help. Know that there are also different resources here on HS that you can check on: https://heartsupport.com/resources/
Even if I’m afraid to die. There has to be another way.
Well, I’m sincerely glad that you have this fear. In your situation, based on what you described, it is a healthy reaction to be afraid to die. Because you’re right. There is an other way. Life is not only about suffering or feeling stuck behind a giant wall. There is a different path. And you can walk on it. Happiness is for you. Relief is for you. But it may take some time for you to feel better. And it will certainly require for you to gather all the support, love and healthy resources that you can. You can count this community as a resource for you. Because you are loved. You are cared for. Right here and right now.
If you want, you can join the community on Discord as well: Discord
And/ or the livestreams! On the following channels: Twitch / Twitch / Twitch.
It would be awesome to see you there!
Sending love your way. 
Hey friend. Man I’m sorry that you’re feeling so awful and that you’re facing all of these dark emotions. I can relate to that on so many levels. But hey, Micro has left a lot of our links there and I highly encourage you to check them out. You know, sometimes it’s good to just hang out with others who likely can relate to what you are feeling. Lots of people in the discord to talk to and the Heart support streams are seriously so encouraging. They have been such a huge part of my last year. Like you I came here in a dark place but I found myself among a great group of people full of love and support. You can be part of that.
Start with discord. Check things out. Come talk. 
You matter. Your life matters. How you are feeling matters. We’re here.
hugs