I gradually fucked up today with buying new blades on impulse. I’m over 20 days clean but I really wanna fucking relapse and use them. I miss the feeling and blood so badly. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I don’t know what to do.
Do you have a counselor or therapist? Is it possible to find someone to be with when the urge comes?
This may sound a bit off the wall, but meditation and/or self hypnosis could be very helpful.
Would you cut a friend? Be your own friend. You don’t deserve this kind of suffering. Get help.
I do have a therapist, but I don’t really trust him all that much? He’s nice, no questions asked, but I don’t feel comfortable with sharing these things with him yet. And my urges tend to come at night, so there’s not really someone I can be with in that time.
First I strongly encourage you to get rid of those blades that you bought. Throw them away you do not need them.
The most powerful thing you can do to resist your urge to self harm is to create space between when the urge arises and when you engage in the harming behavior. Try to build in a pause. You can do this by having a go to list of alternatives instead and going through the list of them one by one. Hopefully by the time you have done one or two alternative activites the urge to self harm will have lessened. Some examples are listening to music, going for a walk, journaling, reading, cleaning, making art, calling a friend, playing video games, or watching twitch.
I encourage you to make a list of things that you can do instead that will help you pause before harming.
How things are going since you posted? Do you still own these blades/did you got rid of them?
This frustration you felt when posting is something to hold on to. It’s the knowledge that you are not doomed to relapse, even if the urges are very strong sometimes. It’s this part of you that ¨knows* what is right, that doesn’t want to give in.
Regardless of how things went since you posted, I believe in you friend. And I’m proud of you, for your 20 days, but also for all the other days that without self-harm that will be in the future. You are strong. Never forget that.
Things are semi alright. I’ve been having urges but I didn’t act on them. I haven’t thrown the blades away, I can’t bring myself to it but i haven’t gotten them out of the package either, so that’s a good thing. I’m trying to make it to one month as my goal :))
Alright. I’m glad you didn’t open it. Maybe putting them away in a place that would be really difficult to reach could be a good thing too.
You got this, friend. One month is an awesome goal and you’re going to crush it!
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