I want to talk to my ex again to explain things

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So in my last posts I’ve talked about my ex and stuff and I do recognize they need time. I’ve been trying my best this week, but it’s been super hard I keep feeling nauseous and like my throat closes and my heartbeat accelerates and I should be focus on other stuff but I try and it doesn’t last more than five minutes.

I keep feeling bad over this and getting side eyes from my parents and I don’t want to see people outside of my - very closed - social circle because I’m anxious as hell already and they’re gonna ask me why I didn’t go to class this week.

I have this urge to message my ex and tell them I may have BPD and share with them information about this, because I feel like if they don’t know about that they’ll hate me more when I’m head over heels for them, I don’t think I can stop feeling this way about them, I’ve never felt this way about anyone.

I don’t want to do this, keep being impulsive and send more emails, but I asked them after their last email to give me certainty, to tell me if and when we could talk again, but they didn’t answer and long story short I ended up in the hospital that night.

I deserve respect, to get an answer after being ghosted. But what if they just see a toxic waste monster who wants to control them? I- I can’t talk to them because they’ll hate me and I can’t live without them because I feel sick, and either way I hate my life enough to consider death over and over again!

I’m lost and I’m starting to feel guilty for coming here and asking for help when I should be going to therapy but I don’t have money for that and it all just sucks in general I hate it here.

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Hello @Mtelltaleheart

Sounds like you’re really going thru it, I’m sorry.

I know how hard it is to fight an impulse and sometimes we just do what our emotions are telling us to do without thinking it thru. This can cause a lot of problems depending on what the impulse was.

This really sucks and I know it hurts a TON but, I think that the fact she didn’t answer you sends the message that she isn’t ready to talk YET. I feel like giving her space to think so she doesn’t get stressed out and sees that you are respecting her boundaries is the best move. Respecting her boundaries could be the deciding factor for her. If you keep pressuring her to talk when she isn’t ready, you’re going to push her away and that’s the exact opposite of what you want right? So, giving her space will give her a chance to figure things out and showing her that you can be patient and respect her boundaries will be an awesome thing for both of you.

I hope this made sense and you are doing ok. I would recommend watching some of the Dr Fox videos on Favorite Person relationships and it might give you some insight and coping skills so you can deal with all this a little better and have some peace. You matter!

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It does make a lot of sense… It’s super hard, though. I’m tired of all of this, I just wanted to know when we could talk so I could make sure to resist until the day she chose to talk to me. I wanted certainty. This is horrible.

I haven’t checked those videos yet, so I’ll follow your advice. Thanks again for your support <3