So in my last posts I’ve talked about my ex and stuff and I do recognize they need time. I’ve been trying my best this week, but it’s been super hard I keep feeling nauseous and like my throat closes and my heartbeat accelerates and I should be focus on other stuff but I try and it doesn’t last more than five minutes.
I keep feeling bad over this and getting side eyes from my parents and I don’t want to see people outside of my - very closed - social circle because I’m anxious as hell already and they’re gonna ask me why I didn’t go to class this week.
I have this urge to message my ex and tell them I may have BPD and share with them information about this, because I feel like if they don’t know about that they’ll hate me more when I’m head over heels for them, I don’t think I can stop feeling this way about them, I’ve never felt this way about anyone.
I don’t want to do this, keep being impulsive and send more emails, but I asked them after their last email to give me certainty, to tell me if and when we could talk again, but they didn’t answer and long story short I ended up in the hospital that night.
I deserve respect, to get an answer after being ghosted. But what if they just see a toxic waste monster who wants to control them? I- I can’t talk to them because they’ll hate me and I can’t live without them because I feel sick, and either way I hate my life enough to consider death over and over again!
I’m lost and I’m starting to feel guilty for coming here and asking for help when I should be going to therapy but I don’t have money for that and it all just sucks in general I hate it here.