I want to vanish

Hi, I am a 20 yrs old female. I am the eldest in our family. Since I was a child, I have always dreamt of becoming a doctor. I have good grades, have friends and is living in a comfortable home. Our family is not well-off, we just had the bare minimum to survive. I decided to pursue a medical course in college, with 2 scholarships to back me up to atleast help my parents with the hefty tuition. I survived the 2 years of online class, it was not fun but it was bearable. I thought I could proceed to the next year level feeling the same way but I was so wrong. 2 weeks before class start, I felt weird and anxious. I couldn’t understand it at first why I was feeling that way, it was getting worse, it kept me up at night.

I know that I was having signs of depression even before college but it was not this intense. I tried hiding it from my parents and brother but it was way too much for me too handle. My mind feels like it was going to burst and I was having suicidal thoughts. I reach out to my parents and begged them to let me drop out of college, I cried day and night, some relatives tried persuading me to just grit my way through it but the idea of having a whole year full of stress and pressure seems like hell. My parents got disappointed in me and also cried, I was so guilty for making them cry and adding to their problem. I talked to some of my friends and cousins of mine and I was persuaded to just do it for my parents, I told my parents that I will try again so I did enrolled. I thought that was a brave decision but that was the stupidest mistake I have ever done. I couldn’t survive the first week with all the exam that I had to drop out. I lost my scholarship due to that. My parents seems angry at me but is trying to be understanding.

I tried to be brave and convince myself that I would be fine but with all my plans going awry, I don’t even know anymore. I am scared of my parents, I am ashamed to face some of my friends, I don’t even know if I will be able to live independently. I know I needed to apply for a job but I can barely move out of my room, I can barely eat. I don’t even want to cry anymore because I don’t want my parents to worry about me. I try being useful in our house so that they would not berate me. I am just so tired of feeling so useless and being a burden to my family. My parents are getting old and are having health issues and I could see that they are struggling. My father keeps on talking how he don’t think he will live for long and that scares me the most. I feel so useless for having no job and not graduating college. I have lots of dreams and plans for our family but it is all crumbling down. All I do is cry and wish to never wake up again. I just want to free myself and my parents from having a burden. I seriously wish to just vanish.

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From: ManekiNeko

dandelion, welcome and thanks for being here! There’s a lot that your mind and heart are holding onto and perhaps trying to fight through alone.
I empathise so much with your feelings of pressure from family wanting you to know what you’re doing in life. Perhaps they do so out of wanting you to have a future that is set up and prepared, but also perhaps they don’t fully understand your feelings. Have you ever spoken to them about it? I know your fears of disappointing them must be so burdensome, but i have a feeling that they would never be. That they would in fact went to find ways to help you through this and find ways to support you.
You’re definitely not alone and you don’t have to put up a front to protect anyone, because you are so important and deserve to be heard and understood.
I do hope that sharing your thoughts and heart here has in someway eased a little bit if that burden for you.

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Hello Dandelion,

I want to welcome you to HeartSupport. I noticed that you have been posting a lot & it is so good to see. I am glad you feel comfortable posting & let people support you. There is no shame in plans changing. Speaking on a personal level, I went to college to become a journalist & now I am working on becoming a certified teacher. Did it take some time to reach this point of realization? Sure. Was it frustrating at times? Yessir. Was it worth it? Most defo.

We need to have some trial & error, that’s how we learn…that’s how we grow. Take it one day at a time. Give yourself some grace. Have a heart-to-heart with your parents & share how you are feeling about everything. It’s okay to live with your parents. It’s okay to take your time. Take your time to become your own person. I believe in you. You can do it.

You are valid. You are enough. You are important. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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From: twixremix

hi dandelion,

i like your haikyuu icon, are you excited for the upcoming movies? i see you just recently joined the forum so welcome in to this heartsupport community! i appreciate your vulnerability in sharing what you’re going through. from what you’ve shared, the burdens weighing on your shoulders are incredibly heavy. from having to fake not being depressed, making huge education-related decisions, and now doing everything you can to keep your parents happy is a lot for one person.

i know you mention it’s hard for you to leave your room or eat but i want to know if there’s anything that helps you recharge your batteries. my own method to stay productive during long depressive episodes is starting tasks/chores in small chunks and rewarding myself in between. so as you look for a job, set a goal of searching for résumé templates online and then doing something easy for yourself to recharge your mental/physical batteries (like watching an episode of a show). you’ll basically be completing a larger puzzle by going piece-by-piece. with all the stress and pressure you’ve faced, i feel like taking things in more digestible chunks will help you be productive while also being cognizant of how you need to go easy on yourself.

i can tell just by this post that you have an incredible heart. you have so much love to share with the world and for the world to share it right back. please keep moving forward, that’s all we can do. you have infinite value, my friend, and you will make it through this. it’s okay to not be okay so please go easy on yourself!

love,
twix

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend Welcome to Heartsupport, its nice to meet you, It sounds like you are going through such a lot, I am so glad you have found a place where you can get to share your thoughts and worries without fear of judgement or upset. It does seem like you hit a wall with your depression and anxiety and had to get out of college, that was not a decision you made lighty or to hurt anyone, you didnt choose to feel that way and it appears you tried your best but sometimes we have to take care of ourseleves and that means removing ourselves from the situaion that is causing us the problem, Your parents seem to love you very much and I am certain that beyond anything you health and happiness is paramount in their minds and they do not want you to feel the way you were feeling especailly if you were having thoughts of suicide. I would encourage you to find some sort of therapy to get you through this time, to settle you down and then when you feel ready then start to think of where in your life you want to go next, your life is far from over and neither is a career, the world is still yours to take, you just have to decide how you want to take it, but for now a day at a time is just fine. Much Love Lisalovesfeathers. x

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