I want to waste away

TW: disordered eating

i don’t know if i have an eating disorder, but i’ve struggled with disordered eating for such a long time. i keep pushing myself not to eat while i’m hungry so i don’t feel it anymore. my mother always asks about my weight, even when i’m completely fine. it’s frustrating to have people constantly comment about my weight or how my hair is thinning. even if it’s in a good way, it’s not helpful. either way, my mother doesn’t comment when it’s a concern (or it doesn’t feel like it at least) because she has body shamed me for my small amount of stomach fact multiple times and so has my other family members before. they question what i’m eating and why i eat certain things, saying stuff like “you’ll gain weight from that” or “that again? you’ve had a lot of those” it sucks to be under a microscope 24/7 for everything i do. it can be weight, acne, what i wear, how i talk, and my body dysphoria from being trans. i’m so tired. i try my hardest not to care about their opinions, but they make me feel bad for not caring about their hateful opinions and it’s also hard to hear it 24/7.

it’s also weird because i’m scared of gaining weight, but i’m scared of losing it. sometimes i like being small, sometimes i hate how small i am. sometimes i just don’t ever want to eat and get rid of every part of body. i’ve always struggled to gain weight and i know it’s NOT (i meant to put not originally but it got skipped or something) the same as fat shaming, but it hurts to have my weight be a topic and have people tell me “i’m too skinny” or “i could literally break your arm, gain some weight” or “your stomach fat looks like a pouch” (which my mother has told me so thanks for that mother). i just wish i could leave this place and it seems like every problem i have is rooted in living in this place. i just want to live without fear.

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You can’t listen to everyone all the time, especially when it affect your mental health. However, I know it affect breaking that cycle it hard and it even challenge when we have force that get in the way. Words can have big impact how you view yourself and it hard when no understand mental health. Also it an escape to get rid of the pain.

I feel that no such as a perfect body, honestly I don’t think there should be. Yes it true you don’t be overweight or underweight. But the goal to be healthy as much as possible.In addition doing diet or trying eat overly healthy, not always the answer. It more finding balance. I think okay let a have two snack a day with healthy meal in between mostly. At least try to eat two meals a day like lunch and dinner.

Overall, you mom is being a jerk and not helping you. Again, don’t stress about the perfect body and trying at least feed yourself, so you body can get nutrients it need. Otherwise, i know these feelings won’t just go away it. So don’t get mad at yourself it going take time. One last check DBT therapy online or video it you can. One website I do check is Jone mindful living , her video actually talk about eat disorders.

Don’t give up and remember it not about have a perfect body, it about being healthy.

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thank you so much, this really means a lot. i will try to look at it like that and not focus on weight. i honestly think weight doesn’t equal health either because skinny people can be unhealthy (me as an example). and i will look into the resources you mentioned, so thank you!

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Their YouTube channel called Katie Morton where she talk about mental health topics and a lot of them have to do with eating disorder.

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