I wanted to share an internal issue I’ve been having
I came to the conclusion that I desire a relationship that really isn’t a relationship. Ironically, it’s not me wanting too much control, but rather the opposite.
I really hate the term "mommy kink’ because it is something I feel relates to not necessarily a kink nor the actual mother or maternal part of it, but rather that I want someone who dominates my life. I want someone to check in on me and make sure I’m okay, even if I don’t need it. I want them to make me do things I don’t want to do, even if it’s bad for me but they think it’s good for me. I want someone who’s clingy, demands I block people from social media, is checking where I am all the time. I don’t care if they want things that I don’t, they make the decisions for me and I do them. If she gives me the attention and affection I crave, I’ll take the negatives that go with it. I want someone to tell me what to do and I want someone who will do it against my will or do it for me if I refuse. It’s easier to let someone tell me and narrate to me what they think is right for me than for me to take a risk on my own and possibly screw up.
I almost got in a relationship with a very toxic person a while ago, but I look back and I tell myself that I would go into that relationship in a heartbeat just to feel affection and love. Even if I got abused, she would give me something I have craved for a long time. I know it would be bad for me, but at least I’d feel whole again.
I know. I’m a big walking red flag. I’ve opted not to date, and I probably couldn’t anyways because of how I look. I’ve told myself that I can’t date till I get my issues fixed.
You know already that it is toxic and you name it as such. It is a real strength. It allows you the possibility of choice when you begin a relationship, which is very strong. Most people will develop this awareness through the relationship and when they’d be very very hurt already. You know this is not a way to live or a way to be treated. You know that it says something about your needs at the moment and that it deserves to be understood.
I personally don’t believe that you want toxicity. While reading your post, I hear someone who deeply craves for affection, to the point of being okay with the idea of bargaining their own safety. That’s what you want. And thankfully, it is possible to find that in a relationship that would be healthy. It doesn’t have to be toxic. Although a big aspect of fulfilling this need is about how you give that care and love to yourself, first and foremost. By choosing not to engage in a toxic relationship, you are choosing yourself and the possibility for a love that is unconditional, not hurtful. When we are in a relationship, we often make the mistake of trying to fulfill our needs thanks to the relationship, while really, we are individuals first and foremost. The relationship is another dimension added to our life.
You will never feel whole in a situation of abuse or manipulation. Deep inside you know that intuitively. It would actually make you feel worse in the long run. It would make you feel more unlovable, question yourself more and the very possibility to be loved unconditionally. Because you’d be seeking in a relationship something that it could only give you partially. Which is something that so many people do with so many different means. We want to feel whole and complete, but we use the wrong means because we need it now. The deepest, inner work is the most intimidating. But it’s also a very worthy one.
I hope you know that your needs don’t make you weird, or weak, or unlovable. It is good to have this awareness and prioritize your needs today. For what it’s worth, I’m very proud of you.
This reminds me of (what i think happened lol) in an old Friends episode where Chandler is do desperate for a relationship he says that he’ll go back to Janice, just to not be alone. And his friends pointed out to him that he was maturing, and was wanting to do the work that went into a relationship, because he was ready for one.
This is what I’m reading here - that there are things you want and need, and you’re willing to put up with stuff for that. Micro hit it on the head - it’s a matter of what we need now, and how we manage that until we get a healthy version of it that will build us up positively!
