I was doing so well

From tegan0715_86517: i was doing well until i wasnt, i kept telling myself that i was ok even when i was at my worst. i dont sleep bc i have these dreams at night, cutting has always been a problem but not like this. my mom thinks im ok and she keeps telling me how i had a rough patch when it never really ended. my best friend is worse than me and she never talks abt it. my anxiety has worsened, im so mentally exhausted from conversations w ppl. im so deeply sad and idk what to do

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From tegan0715_86517: sh. its like a relief, the one thing i can rely on. i hate myself and thats jst the simple way to put it. ppl dont understand so i dont tell them, it just saves me an explanation. bc ik by the time ive explained ill be so drained by the end of it. i push ppl away so i dont hurt them anymore than i already have, im jst so exhausted atm and jst need sw to hug me.

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Hey tegan :hrtlegolove: I’m sorry you are struggling. I really don’t know what to say so I’m just going to leave this hug here for you whenever you need it.

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You are heard. You are loved. And we appreciate your bravery by being open with us. That takes a lot of courage. I believe in you. Much love <3

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hey tegan,
thank you for being here and opening up. i’m so sorry that you’re in this position of self harm being the only thing you can rely on. the pain you feel is valid and your feelings are heard and understood. is there a way you could talk or write a letter to your mom about how you’re not okay and your need for extra support through this? when we aren’t alone in our struggles, it provides extra power to overcome obstacles we thought would be impossible to overcome otherwise. you deserve that care, support, and love.

all in all, please know you are incredibly loved, valued, and worthy. i hope you can spend some time soon caring for yourself whether it be watching your favorite shows/movies, going on a nice walk if the weather is good, or eating your favorite meal. sure, it sounds like basic advice but you truly deserve any and all happiness this world can offer so hold fast because a better tomorrow is ahead for you. hope to hear how you’re doing again in the near future.

love,
twix

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From eloquentpetrichor: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FFh728VWYAE4fUa.jpg:large The image. Sorry it doesn’t import from the wall

Heu Tegan,

For what it’s worth from an online stranger, I’m so very proud of you for reaching out and expressing all of this here. Especially as this is something usually difficult for you, a step that takes a lot of energy out of you and holds the risk of making you feel even more alone. It takes a lot of courage to open up about our pain, about the things that are affecting us negatively… to expose our vulnerable side to others with the hope they will hear us out and understand us.

Self-harm is a hard struggle to overcome, and it makes completely sense to walk through seasons of your life when it feels like it’s just taking over everything else. It works like an addiction, so there comes a point when you feel this intense opposition between the way you feel, the urges inside to hurt yourself, and what you know rationally as being healthy or not for you. It’s a learned coping mechanism somehow, something that has been helping you survive and navigate painful or uncomfortable emotions, but you also know how damaging it can be and how much of a trap it becomes over time. I myself have been struggling with eating disorders since I was a teenager, and I felt this hole of despair, this hitting rock bottom and feeling being completely caged into something I would never be able to overcome - at least, that’s how it feels when we’re hitting rock bottom.

If I may ask, do you feel like your mom could hear you out about your current struggles and the way you feel, if you gave it a try? I hear you and understand that she seems to believe you are now feeling better and that the pain is behind you. And somehow maybe she wishes that for you to the point of only seeing the good. Although I imagine that you also hide a lot of what you’re going through, so she may not have all the clues she need to understand the reality of what you’re experiencing. The reason I’m asking this is because it sounds that your mom knew somehow you have been through a rough time before, so she seems to possibly be open and hear you out if you decided to reach out to her and be open about all of this? I know this perspective can feel utterly scary though, and it’s okay to take time to think about it first. I - and everyone here - only want the best for you, and the possibility to feel supported through all of this. We are here - rest assured of that. Although it can make a huge difference to have someone physically present in your life who can be a part of your support system too.

There are struggles we don’t have to carry just on our own, and it’s totally okay to say “I need help” when we acknowledge that it’s actually what we need. You’ve done a first step here by creating this thread, and I hope with all my heart that this could be a first step among plenty of others for you - towards healing, support, peace. You deserve all of those things and to feel more in control of your life. You matter, friend.

PS - This is a just a tool that could eventually be useful if you want to check it out - it’s a free app called Calm Harm, which is full of good ideas to cope with the urges of hurting ourselevs when they arise, depending on what you feel like you need at the moment. The suggestions listed there are all from people who struggle or struggled with self-harm and worked to them personally. There may be some tools and suggestions there that could resonate with you too, even though it may take a bit of exploration and trials/errors at first. Here’s the link for more information about it (also, it is 100% free): https://calmharm.co.uk/

Hold Fast. :heart:
-Micro