I wasn’t able to say goodbye

Hey everyone, it has been a long time. Um… so I was talking to my parents about me and my home visit, my mom leans over to my dad, “Do you think we should tell her?” My mom asks. “Yeah she needs to know now," He responds. "What do I need to know?” I said scared. Dad asks, “Are you sitting down?” “Yeah why?” I ask. That is when my dad told me. That the teacher who impacted my life greatly. Died. I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. I said I had to go. I Collapsed to the ground. I couldn’t move. My Roommate called staff to come over. I eventually I got the strength to move I grabbed my phone scanning the whole internet for proof that it didn’t happen. I found her Obituary. She died January 24th, I learned that she died April 14th. I found out over two months after it happened. The teacher that died, she was my Tenth Grade English teacher. She was the one who got me to start writing. She helped me grow with my writing. I learned how to Chanel my feeling into my writing. I when I started writing I felt whole. I felt like I could show who I really was through my writing. The best part was the I could see who really cared about me, because the people who knew me were the ones who knew that my writing was my take on life. She was one of the people who knew who the real me was. She saw who I was trying to cover up, she tried so hard to get me to come out of my shell. I would not budge. No matter how hard she pushed me to show who I really was I was closed except for when I was writing. That is when the real me came out. And now she is dead, and I never said goodbye… I never had the time. And now I want to self harm… I know I can’t but I want to so bad… I wish I could have tried harder. I could have been out of this program faster and seen her before she died. I have myself! I can’t control myself anymore.


hey there @Learning ,
Sometimes with grief we never really know when they die even though they are close to us.
I was in the same position as you. i lost a family friend in a car accident then the same day her husband died in an automobile accident to. then we lost my neighbors wife, then i lost my grandfather on my dads side, my grandmother also died on my mom side then my neighbor where my dad lives who goes back and fourth between america and ireland also has passed away then my dads gf lost her dog. So i know how it is to go through grief . You are not alone . some times it takes time to grief over loss and thats totally okay just know when your done grieving you’ll be okay!
Please dont self harm. you came so far. please reach out to me when you need to.
twitter: is @ allaroundashley.
hold fast, you’re worth it

I just feel like I couldn’t have done something. I could have said goodbye. And thank you more. I just want to be done.

man i know what that is like find out months months later that someone that was close to you dies and no one tells you way later. It really shows how much this person influenced you life and to start writing. My grand father got me in to jazz music and once he died it was a huge blow. I still get sad about it but I know he would want me to keep my chin up. stay stronge friend. Hold Fast

I don’t know what I am feeling. I feel mad, sad, hurt, scared. All over.