I waste all my time on talking to myself

Talking not like to another person, but rather I imagine situations, recall scenes from movies, old arguments, and relive them. This started when I was 5 or 6.

Sometimes I stay in that mode for 7-10 hours, and then it’s time to sleep. So minus a day. It got so bad, that now I imagine how I do things I planned to do, instead of actually doing them. It feels productive, but I just wasted the last 15 years of my life. I have no knowledge, no experience, no friends, no habits.

I must be a psychopath or smth (yes, I watched a 4 minute video about psychopaths, and I was like “oh that’s literally me”). I know it’s not right, but those videos are so spot on. Anyways. I am lazy, discipline is, well, it’s non-existent. I’m an adult, but can’t do the most basic things.

I’m instantly affected by everything - I’ve read that girls on average are more prone to that: following trends, trying to fit in, just because someone else does this or that. You know, all these: she is slim - I’m going anorexic starting today; transitioning to another gender is a thing - maybe I have that too. (At least that’s what having 26 girls in my class was like, so it’s pretty accurate).

I’m trailing off, sorry. I’m trying to say that this my habit appeared in the same way. I was walking with my mom, and we saw a lady - a bum talking out loud to herself in the middle of a street. And that’s when it started, approximately. Also, I remember watching a TV program about a girl, who plucked her hair out as a habit, and I thought “how could she do it that many times - all hairs - it must hurt”. I tried one… And since then I still do it. I’m so affected by the smallest things. So immature. So weak.

The worst part is that I feel it’s wrong. When I try to be “silent” for a day, it goes fine, but then I give up NOT NOTICING IT, and a week later, I’m like “ohhhhhhhh, yeahhhhh, I wanted to do one, just one thing, and didn’t. For no reason”.

Everything I plan I abandon. It’s difficult to even brush my teeth 3-4 days in a row. Leave alone reading even one page of a book. God, that’s more pathetic than I imagined. I make plans - small easy tasks. But after 2-3 things are done, my mind goes “well, what if I just stop? What, a punishment? Good luck”. Do I restrict myself from sweets for the rest of the week? I eat meat and tomatoes, and drink water. No more computer games for the rest of the month? I have none installed. No tik tok for you? I don’t have accounts anywhere but YT and telegram. I literally have no influence on myself in terms of punishment. 90% of the Internet I use is to look up info - according to my plans.

I can’t see alternatives to staying motivated, which I am – I’m fed up (but not enough, I guess, since I keep giving up right away), and to punishments, but I can’t think of bad enough ones for me.

So, my question is: what do I do? I know it’s wrong, but how do I get out?

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You’re not a psychopath, at least not a scary one. Technically, anyone who has unmanaged mental health issues is a psychopath. Popular culture views a psychopath as one who’s dangerously crazy. The dangerous ones are those who have no conscience and no regrets about their behavior.

Clearly, that does not describe you.

You have a whole laundry list of flaws, hang-ups and deficiencies. It seems like it would be hard to keep track of them all.

The good news is, this mixed bag of problems stem from just a few basic ones. Fix those issues, and the rest of the issues will evaporate. However, based on what you’ve been dealing with, and for how long it’s been this way, I very strongly urge you to seek some kind of therapy or counseling.

It sounds like you have a great imagination, hence the stories forming in your mind. Daydreaming is a big part of that imagination too. Besides, everyone has a self created story that they keep tweaking or rewriting throughout their lives. Additionally, it’s common to retain the story that was forced upon us as children, and we build beliefs about ourselves, based on what as children became our core beliefs. That means for many of us, false and destructive beliefs are part of our identity.

It may feel that way, but in regard to experience and habits, you couldn’t write what you have here if that was true. That’s because you’ve demonstrated good communication skills, something that can only be attained through talent and effort. Regarding friends, maybe you have the start of some friendships here.

If it’s a 4 minute video, the description probably fits 90+ percent of the population.

I suspect you’ve been dealing with a pretty significant case of ADHD. That would explain a lot of what’s been going on with you. Depression can also shoot concentration and motivation all to hell.

Young people have it built into their DNA to try and fit in. It also sounds like you’re “suggestible,” which reminds me of a Jerry Lewis movie in which whenever someone described symptoms of illness, he’d start feeling those symptoms. It occurs to me that it may be a kind of “runaway empathy.” My wife and daughter are both susceptible to worry about health issues they’ve heard about.

If it wasn’t the lady on the street, it would’ve been something/someone else sooner or later, as it’s evident you had a predisposition to do it. It’s not that uncommon. Very few people don’t talk to themselves. It helps in the learning and reasoning process. If you want to memorize a number sequence or formula, recite it out loud a bunch of times. If you want to organize your thoughts or get the feel of how you’d share them, talk to yourself. If you want to practice jokes… etc. I overhear my wife talking to herself a lot. Other times the cat gets the benefit of her discourse.

Punishment suggests that you’ve done something wrong. That’s demoralizing and erodes confidence. It makes it increasingly less likely that you’ll succeed in the future. It’s also not being fair to yourself. The only way to sustain positive change is to convince yourself that you can, and find ways to nurture the strength and confidence to do so.

Now we’re back to the importance of therapy. You need to get to know yourself in an entirely new way, to understand what is really true about you. You will be pleasantly surprised.

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I used to and still do have a lot of conversations with myself. I talk my plans out and focus myself on something. Sometimes when I get overwhelmed and hyper focused on something I also just find myself falling into a blank. I zone out and can’t do it because it seems so much!
Talking to yourself isn’t a bad thing by any means, but the conversations we have with ourselves can either be positive or negative.
I find I can get very very negative on myself. The conversations I have can be downing myself and all the wrong things I’ve done. About how worthless and useless I am and how I have so much to do and will never achieve them… I have to stop that. Stop myself. Reach out for help and reasses what I’m saying to myself.
If the conversations are more “hey you have a hit to do today, where do you want to start?”. Sometimes it helps me say out loud to myself the goals I’m going to achieve that day. It could be as little as “do the dishes and clean in the bathroom”. Put on a podcast or music and do those, and then I feel so good about myself! Wow I can do it! What else can I do?!

I think finding habits is a good thing also, but again it’s finding the right ones. Hyper focusing on negative habits like pulling out hair (I used to do that too and now I have patches at the back of my neck that won’t grow) feels like it’s so much easier than healthy habits.
We fall into habit loops, we think there’s an immediate reward and we keep those habits. When our self esteem is low, good habits are “not deserved”, so why would we do them?
This is a mindset that is hard to break, and sometimes talking to a professional can help out things in perspective.

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Hi Friend, Welcome to HeartSupport, Its good to meet you and thank you for posting.
You sound like you have so many thoughts going round in your head right now, I am so glad you have managed to find a place to get some of them out, I hope that writing them down has helped a little.
I totally understand the whole talking to yourself and reliving old movie scenes and arguments time after times on your own, its something i used to do a lot and the reason I feel that I did it was two fold, one because I was lonely and two because I had and idealistic outlook on life so if I saw a nicer or better way of doing something then things had to change. Oh and by the way I dont consider either of us pychopaths.
The way you describe how you dont have the insentive to do your daily tasks tells me that you are just not feeling happy in your own skin and the way you describe you self tells me the same so I am going to encourage you to have a chat with your doctor, not to be given tablets but to maybe be given the opportunity to have help with a therapist or social care worker who can help you with your daily tasks and work on helping you gain more self esteem so that you will be able to do more for yourself in the future.
I hope some of this helps and I want you to know that here you are loved and valued.
Lisa x

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Have you ever considered being a writer?

You world-immersion might be useful is you tried to convey it to writing, and share with others the bright world your mind’s eye creates?