Talking not like to another person, but rather I imagine situations, recall scenes from movies, old arguments, and relive them. This started when I was 5 or 6.
Sometimes I stay in that mode for 7-10 hours, and then it’s time to sleep. So minus a day. It got so bad, that now I imagine how I do things I planned to do, instead of actually doing them. It feels productive, but I just wasted the last 15 years of my life. I have no knowledge, no experience, no friends, no habits.
I must be a psychopath or smth (yes, I watched a 4 minute video about psychopaths, and I was like “oh that’s literally me”). I know it’s not right, but those videos are so spot on. Anyways. I am lazy, discipline is, well, it’s non-existent. I’m an adult, but can’t do the most basic things.
I’m instantly affected by everything - I’ve read that girls on average are more prone to that: following trends, trying to fit in, just because someone else does this or that. You know, all these: she is slim - I’m going anorexic starting today; transitioning to another gender is a thing - maybe I have that too. (At least that’s what having 26 girls in my class was like, so it’s pretty accurate).
I’m trailing off, sorry. I’m trying to say that this my habit appeared in the same way. I was walking with my mom, and we saw a lady - a bum talking out loud to herself in the middle of a street. And that’s when it started, approximately. Also, I remember watching a TV program about a girl, who plucked her hair out as a habit, and I thought “how could she do it that many times - all hairs - it must hurt”. I tried one… And since then I still do it. I’m so affected by the smallest things. So immature. So weak.
The worst part is that I feel it’s wrong. When I try to be “silent” for a day, it goes fine, but then I give up NOT NOTICING IT, and a week later, I’m like “ohhhhhhhh, yeahhhhh, I wanted to do one, just one thing, and didn’t. For no reason”.
Everything I plan I abandon. It’s difficult to even brush my teeth 3-4 days in a row. Leave alone reading even one page of a book. God, that’s more pathetic than I imagined. I make plans - small easy tasks. But after 2-3 things are done, my mind goes “well, what if I just stop? What, a punishment? Good luck”. Do I restrict myself from sweets for the rest of the week? I eat meat and tomatoes, and drink water. No more computer games for the rest of the month? I have none installed. No tik tok for you? I don’t have accounts anywhere but YT and telegram. I literally have no influence on myself in terms of punishment. 90% of the Internet I use is to look up info - according to my plans.
I can’t see alternatives to staying motivated, which I am – I’m fed up (but not enough, I guess, since I keep giving up right away), and to punishments, but I can’t think of bad enough ones for me.
So, my question is: what do I do? I know it’s wrong, but how do I get out?