About a decade ago I hit rock bottom and faced myself with a choice that would set the course for the rest of my life. To give up and die the slow, painful living death I always believed I deserved, to end it all right then and there once and for all, or to put everything I had left in me into rebuilding my life and reshaping who I am. At the time, all were viable options and I was fully resolved to stick to whatever decision I made until my dying breath. I chose the latter. At that moment, I decided I was going to fight!
I have not stopped fighting since and I likely never will…
I had no clue how ridiculously stupid of a human I really am until I made the decision to try and be a functional one. I know people make mistakes. I know no one is perfect. It’s not like that with me. And I don’t mean stupid as in unintelligent. I’m a complete and total f*** up. I’ve broken every heart I’ve ever touched, beginning with my own. I try to help people but I’m useless in any real way. I don’t even think I know how to actually love someone selflessly. I’m so far behind in life and am struggling desperately to get to a place that may very well be impossible for me to reach. I’m not good enough for the life I have. Why should I believe I can achieve the life I want? Why am I still fighting? And I do fight. I push myself to better. I drag myself through this mess because I made a promise that I would live to see my goals realized or I would die on that road, arms stretched out toward them. Quitting has not been an option for me since then. But I keep failing at things. Miserably. Not everything. Just in those key pivotal moments, I fail. And I don’t just fail myself. I hurt people with my failures. So I’ve learned to keep everyone distant. They’ll all just end up leaving anyway once they see how pathetic I am. Because I’m not good enough yet. I need to be better. I need to be different. And I don’t know how much fight I have left in me. I don’t know that I’ll get there.
I knew this road would be long and challenging. I just wish I knew then that I was already too far gone. I’d have done the right thing. Now it’s too late. I’ll never stop pushing myself forward. I can’t. I don’t even know where I’m going, but it’s all I have left. I just hope someone can learn from me.
