I wish I can go to DBT class or CBT class

I been trying to do DBT therapy by myself, without a class or a teacher. Don’t all way have the best insurance. I live in Massachusetts and I’m on health connector, which insurance I got was tuff pubic health. All the DBT classes I see don’t take my insurances and it hard figure out where to find those class are in my state. I do regular therapy session and do sometime a social anxiety group. Also been taking CBD gummies and try doing mindful exercises.

However, I almost when a full year with self harm and last week I punch my skull and post on Facebook. I have such a burning hatred towards my self and my mistakes. One tiny situation or word can sent me off. I will get instense feeling while working my dead end job and pays poorly. I get though of killing people, cutting my wrist and just verbal abuse.

I’m am abuse, I say fuck of shit and don’t know why I do it. I’m terrified of my inner shadow and that will take over and I can’t be safe. It will get to point where I will kill myself and might get a brain tomor.

My parents don’t understand me ( I’m loser that live his parents.) they love and care. But they want to help find a DBT class and just want to pray to god. I’m not into religion ( not trying to offend anyone) and did try it but felt nothing and actually make my depression worst.

It awesome to able to get help I need.

1 Like

Metalskater1990,

Dude, this is a lot – to feel like you’re trying /so hard/ to get better and yet feel like the weight on your life is so fucking heavy that you have no idea how to lift it…but to feel so genuine in your attempt to become better, to get healthy…that sometimes can be one of the most hopeless combinations, when you feel you’re doing the right things but getting nowhere. I can relate a lot to that.

I think excavating that self-hatred might be a good direction to go. Coping with your behavior can only take you so far…it’s like trying to plug up a volcano…you can do it for a while, but maybe it will burst out in some place you hadn’t plugged up, or the pressure will build so much that it could blow the caps off the places you plugged. This is because you’re just covering up the lava, not actually draining the volcano itself. That self-hatred is a clue that could help lead you to the source of all of this pressure in your life.

If you’re open to it, HeartSupport built a program called “Restore” that helps you try to trace your struggles to a “Core Wound” that helps make sense out of a lot of this kind of stuff. It’s technically not something we offer any more, but it could be helpful in your search for answers. DM me if you’re interested in it.

Yeah that restore I’m willing to try out!