I wish I could be better

One year ago, the girl I loved, for ten years, wanted to break up. A month later, we decided we wanted to try to give us time to see how things were and see if we could work things out in six months. Six months passed and we hadn’t talked about it, and I knew it was a bad sign. Fast forward to October, we get into a fight in which I ultimately knew things were not going to work, she left my house and I cried and contemplated my life. I called the friends that I had to not be alone because of how low I felt. By the time they got to me, I was slumped down on the ground crying, a firearm on the table with a loaded magazine. Before my relationship, I was lost and had never recovered myself. Years of being physically abused and bullied and sexually assaulted by the people I loved that I still have unconditional love for. But none of that mattered when I was in that relationship. Abusing substances and hoping for an overdose just to hang out with friends. Drinking every night to feel a connection with the people I had. All of that taken away through love. And when it came crashing down, so did I. Constant reminders that I wasn’t enough and every little sin and imperfection brought to light, even more so under a microscope than before. I spent, not knowing that the last Thanksgiving with her, and two days later she says that she spent time with another person on Friday. I’m not upset with her, I’m happy that maybe she’ll find happiness. But my heart and my head say otherwise. I spend days going to work, leaving and going to sleep after. Only reaching out to friends when I knew I was too low to stay at home by myself. When I was going through hard times, somehow religion had found its way into my life. Whether it be missionaries showing up on my front door, or just a new Christian metal band that worked its lyrics into my head. I tried to use it as a way to push forward but ultimately discovered I fell in love with words. Now I struggle just to find whats left of myself and how I can push forward. In January alone, I called a suicide hotline three times, because I felt abandoned from the friends I had. I constantly fluctuate from having little to no meaning to circling the drain. I feel like I’m making rounds and seeing the people I love, friends included, one last time. I feel guilty, I feel depressed, I feel upset, I feel dishonest. I’m just scared.

How do I go on with myself?

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are you safe right now?
Is there someone you can stay with for a few weeks to keep you company?

You’ve done a lot of great steps like calling the hotlines and reaching out to friends. Breakups are never easy, even when you know things aren’t going well. I hope you can reach out to a therapist who can help you safely go through your feelings.

You’ve mentioned that being in a relationship kept a lot of the bad stuff away. But you have to know that YOU did that. You opened up your heart, yes, but that was also you who did those things. That strength is in you. You overcame the maladaptive coping methods. Grieving hurts, and it’s a process.

We believe that you matter, just as you are. You are wonderful just as you are. We’re here for you though this. Thank you for your trust in sharing this here with us. Please, always feel free to come here and vent or share.

There’s also a lovely discord community and some great streamers, where you can just hang out in a safe space. When you’re feeling low, we’d love to have you there to bring some positivity to your day!

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Hi Sita,

First thanks for taking the time to reply back. I’ve lurked here for awhile but finally found strength last night to post.

Yes, I am safe now. My room mate is my brother and even though we’ve had a strained relationship before, it’s finally mending into a healthy one. I believe that’s my next step is reaching out to a therapist. When that will ever be though is tough to say for me. I’m not sure why, but I understand what you mean. If it wasn’t for what I had done I wouldn’t be in a better place than I was before; but after so much let down from myself, it feels like it wasn’t me who helped make that change. I guess it feels like I’ve become very dependent on the thought that my progression is based/with someone else.

That sounds great, and I think I would really appreciate it. During the first few weeks of my heavy depression, I craved human connection but was too scared and didn’t have the energy to go out; so Twitch really helped make me feel a bit better.

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HeartSupport is live on twitch now if you’re still here :slight_smile:
we’d love to see you there!

I’m really proud of you, friend. I know it’s all inside you :slight_smile: you were there for all the growth you had.

Looking forward to hearing from you. Make sure you do something nice for yourself today! even if it’s just to have a nice cup of tea and take a few deep breaths.

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Hey Skynet,

Megs_26 responded to your post today live on stream with some wonderful words of support!

Here is the video so you can watch her reply anytime you would like to,

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I wasn’t able to join but was able to watch the video above. I am truly appreciative of the thoughtful words and will try to do my best to live and hold through this tough time. Thank you again.

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