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Belongs to: Therapist witnesses the Lamb of God - Laid to Rest
I wish I could let it go. I own what I’ve done completely. I’ve been given forgiveness from the person I hurt. I’ve even shared it with a couple people. And it’s not enough.
Hi, thank you for posting and sharing what your feeling, that in of itself takes no small amount of courage. I can understand where you’re coming from, having done things myself that I regret and hurting people in my life through those choices. Letting go of those things isn’t always the easiest thing to do, and forgiving yourself, I find, can be much more difficult than forgiving others.
It is a huge step when you say, I own what I’ve done, and I give you credit for being able to acknowledge that. It took some time for me to achieve that much personally. It’s also great that this person has forgiven you. We often hold ourselves to much higher standards and it can be difficult to accept that you do deserve forgiveness, that you do deserve to be able to let things go and unburden yourself of that weight.
For myself, talking these things through with my therapist helped a great deal. Talking out the feelings of guilt that I couldn’t let go of, accepting responsibility, and understanding that it is ok to forgive yourself, you don’t have to keep beating yourself up to be worthy of that forgiveness.
Again thanks so much for sharing your post, keep at it and don’t give up and I believe in you that you have the strength to overcome this and lay it down. 
Hey there my friend. Thanks so much for your time and energy in posting this. I can imagine this has been a weight on your shoulders for some time now.
You mention in your post having hurt someone in the past. And how you’ve been given forgiveness from the person, and have even shared with a few other people, but you cannot seem to let go.
It seems like this is in reference to a sense of self punishment. Perhaps putting yourself down or feeling shame. Like you cannot forgive yourself and move forward.
And that makes sense. It makes sense to feel shame in that way. It makes sense to ruminate. To get stuck. I cannot blame you a bit for what you’re feeling because I’ve been there too.
The thing I still struggle with is leaving my ex and our daughter. About 5 years ago now, I decided that I had to go. I just needed to go. The relationship wasn’t working out, I wasn’t very engaged in it. And I just…sort of left.
At the time, I contorted it as a relationship issue. Compatibility and long term goals and this and that.
But ultimately, it was a me thing. And for years, I moved state to state, bouncing around, barely making ends meet. And not really being there for my daughter.
It eats me up inside to this day that I thought that was ok. That I did what I did.
Every day I wonder how much damage I did to her by not being around. And that shame weighs heavy on my heart.
A few years ago I went to therapy. I started unraveling stuff and taking accountability for my life. My therapist said that I hold myself to a standard that was unreasonable. And that I did this because it was easier to think of myself as being simply bad, instead of thinking of myself as complex.
She said I had saw things in “black and white” - as in good or bad.
I decided I was running and that I needed to sort of face the music. Shame was great. But shame was becoming an excuse that was keeping me from really healing. The shame was comfort. So I moved back and, for the past 2.5 years, Ive been in her life consistently.
To concerts, daddy - daughter dances, she stays here over the summer. Things are hard. And I still get terrified. I still feel shame. But those actions were yesterday. I can regret them. But I cant change them. Today - right now - is the only thing that I can effect. The only change I can make.
If someone looked at my past, they may say “man this guy sucks.”
That could be true. That might be. But all I can do is my best right here and now. And the person making choices right here and now, doesn’t suck.
I don’t know what you did my friend. But I hope that you can find ways to forgive yourself and to move forward. To let the past lie where it is and start making choices now that you can be proud of. The change starts when you do - I believe.
And I believe in you.
Hold fast my friend.
@@HeartSupport I have more than 12 cumulative years of therapy in the last 20 years. I know what to tell myself. But I have two problems. I have a deep desire to punish myself and quite frankly, it keeps my mind off of the actual problem that I can’t talk about without breaking down. I’m waiting for the VA to get me residential treatment for the real problem.
I’m beating the crap out of myself because it’s easier to think about. There’s still a ton of guilt and shame. And a lot of the time I don’t want forgiveness. The only reason I think about forgiveness is because my son needs me completely in the moment.