There is not a single good thing in my life. Over the past few years, my life slowly became shit and people I met finished me off about a year ago and I’ve been feeling horrible every single day since then. In addition to that, I recently found out that I was in deeper shit than I thought and that there is no escape from the shitty everyday I’ve been living for the last couple of years. Again today, and for the third time in a week, I found myself breaking down and crying like a fucking 3-year-old (when I am almost ten times that age), weeping and yelling because the pain I feel in my chest hurts so bad and I am all alone.
Very few things still make me smile, but even if they do, it doesn’t last very long. I haven’t been able to enjoy food anymore lately, and binge eating was what had been helping me the most to not become completely insane. Now I can say that I have nothing left, even my physical and mental health are gone and I don’t know what I did so wrong to deserve such a shitty life.
There’s that friend that I’m worried about, I hope he is alright. I wish there was a way for me to find out, but unfortunately, there’s not.
Because of all this shit happening to me, I have been ignoring God since October. Or maybe I have never truly been into Him, I don’t know. I have always been the worst christian this earth ever bore, if I am even allowed to call myself one. But the truth is that I’ve been mad at Him for letting me become the hopeless mentally ill person I’ve become today and that sin is the least of my worries. I’ve always been full of sins and unable to change anyway. For some reason, I’ve been wanting to talk with someone about all this and also ask them for advice about what I should do with my life from a christian point of view (yes, because I somehow still care about this bullshit), but I am now churchless and who would still want to waste any more of their time with me anyway?
The truth is that sometimes I feel so bad and alone that I’d want to reach out to people it would be possible for me to talk with, just to feel like I matter to someone, but I never do it. No one wants to hear about other people’s problems, let alone have to deal with people who feel like garbage. No one truly cares about what could happen to my ugly ass anyway. Not even God, it seems. I would at least have wanted to have a choice as to whether or not I wanted to exist. I realized that what is wrong with me is that I am not selfish enough, not emotionless enough, not heartless enough, and thus, not fit to be in this world.
These were some thoughts that came to my mind tonight. Why am I even writing these lines, you may be wondering? Especially since I already created 2 threads here some time around September under another username? Because I’m an idiot who doesn’t know what to do and annoying people is what I’m the best at. I stopped expecting anything from anyone anyway. I’m done believing that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. If anything, the only light I’ll see is the one people who had a NDE say they saw.
I’m sorry if you wasted your time reading this. Maybe it at least showed you how stupid people can be for still being alive when they should have long ended it all.