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I wish I finally disappeared from this world

There is not a single good thing in my life. Over the past few years, my life slowly became shit and people I met finished me off about a year ago and I’ve been feeling horrible every single day since then. In addition to that, I recently found out that I was in deeper shit than I thought and that there is no escape from the shitty everyday I’ve been living for the last couple of years. Again today, and for the third time in a week, I found myself breaking down and crying like a fucking 3-year-old (when I am almost ten times that age), weeping and yelling because the pain I feel in my chest hurts so bad and I am all alone.

Very few things still make me smile, but even if they do, it doesn’t last very long. I haven’t been able to enjoy food anymore lately, and binge eating was what had been helping me the most to not become completely insane. Now I can say that I have nothing left, even my physical and mental health are gone and I don’t know what I did so wrong to deserve such a shitty life.

There’s that friend that I’m worried about, I hope he is alright. I wish there was a way for me to find out, but unfortunately, there’s not.

Because of all this shit happening to me, I have been ignoring God since October. Or maybe I have never truly been into Him, I don’t know. I have always been the worst christian this earth ever bore, if I am even allowed to call myself one. But the truth is that I’ve been mad at Him for letting me become the hopeless mentally ill person I’ve become today and that sin is the least of my worries. I’ve always been full of sins and unable to change anyway. For some reason, I’ve been wanting to talk with someone about all this and also ask them for advice about what I should do with my life from a christian point of view (yes, because I somehow still care about this bullshit), but I am now churchless and who would still want to waste any more of their time with me anyway?

The truth is that sometimes I feel so bad and alone that I’d want to reach out to people it would be possible for me to talk with, just to feel like I matter to someone, but I never do it. No one wants to hear about other people’s problems, let alone have to deal with people who feel like garbage. No one truly cares about what could happen to my ugly ass anyway. Not even God, it seems. I would at least have wanted to have a choice as to whether or not I wanted to exist. I realized that what is wrong with me is that I am not selfish enough, not emotionless enough, not heartless enough, and thus, not fit to be in this world.

These were some thoughts that came to my mind tonight. Why am I even writing these lines, you may be wondering? Especially since I already created 2 threads here some time around September under another username? Because I’m an idiot who doesn’t know what to do and annoying people is what I’m the best at. I stopped expecting anything from anyone anyway. I’m done believing that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. If anything, the only light I’ll see is the one people who had a NDE say they saw.

I’m sorry if you wasted your time reading this. Maybe it at least showed you how stupid people can be for still being alive when they should have long ended it all.

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Hey friend, I’m sorry things have been looking down that last few years. I pray the pain you’ve been experiencing, mentally and physically, would depart from you permanently.
The beautiful thing about God is that he loves you, cares for you and chooses you no matter how messed up you are. You matter. You’re not alone in feeling like this, and you don’t have to face it alone.
You are loved.

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People don’t cry because they are weak. They cry because they have been strong for too long.

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Thank you. I’m sorry you took some of your time to reply. It is my fault. I am dumb so I annoyed people again with my problems. I am sorry

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Stop that. Don’t apologize for people responding. Embrace it, friend! They responded because they wanted to. <3 - You are NOT dumb. You didn’t annoy anyone. You are allowed to share your feelings and express yourself.

I’m sorry you are having a hard time right now. It’s good to reach out. That’s what these forums are for. You’re not an idiot.

You are way way too hard on yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Seriously. Stop calling yourself these things. You matter. Your feelings matter. Your experiences matter. It’s okay to vent and mind dump. We all need to sometimes. <3

No I am dumb. Hopefully next time instead of writing something here I’ll kill myself. There’s nothing else I can do anyway. I’m sorry for the waste of time

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Friend, why do you feel the need to be so hard in yourself? You know, you said that nobody wants to hear about someone else’s problems. That’s not true because there are people here willing to listen. I know there are a lot of people who make us feel like we should just be quiet and not express ourselves. I know there are people that leave us feeling like we’re supposed to put on a happy face all of the time.

But here, you can share your heart. And you’re not dumb for feeling how you do. Or for expressing how you feel. You aren’t dumb for reaching out. Or going through the things you do.

No. Don’t kill yourself. Reaching out is good. Talking is good. You are worth listening to. You are worth hearing. Okay?

I pray you find healing and comfort.

I’ve had enough but I don’t know why I still care I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore anyway and people don’t give a damn anyway. I lost everything I had because of those stupid worthless people I met. I hope they’ll go burn in hell. I wish everyone the same. Everyone is worthless garbage that doesn’t deserve anything good. Don’t know why I started talking to people. I always knew people were shit. And all this happened because of this stupid God. I never wanted to be alive. I never accepted to be either. I don’t know why I’d still want to talk to people about this Bible crap. God doesn’t care about what happens to me because I’m not to his liking. Actually it’s all my fault. I’m the one who put myself in this shit. I basically had no life, not even able to brush my teeth at least once a day, and I made things worse because I was dumb enough to give a damn about that shitty Bible. I should have killed myself instead of creating this shit. Now I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore but again why do I still give a damn. No one cares anyway. If I weren’t a worthless piece of shit I would already be gone and I don’t care if I end up in hell. I don’t want to be with anyone. I’ve never truly meant anything to anyone because actually everyone is heartless so I don’t know why I would have to be stupid trash who cares about people. I just hope that I’ll finally end it one day. Nothing works out the way I’d want because I’m not good enough so there’s no reason for me still being alive. There are lots of different ways to die and maybe that’s the only good thing God ever did for me so maybe I should thank him lol. I don’t know why I wrote this because just like everything else I tried to do it proved to be useless. It only bothered people so I guess I’m just gonna stay quiet and wait for the day I’ll finally solve my problems myself. I’ve always had to do everything by myself anyway.

If I had anything truly interesting to say to anyone out there who might be reading this, it would be: don’t bother talking to other people. They don’t give a fuck about your existence. They only need you to fulfill one if their needs. So don’t make yourself miserable because of them. You are fine alone. You don’t need friends and boyfriends and girlfriends and family to be happy. All this is a lie and the sooner you realize it, the better. It’s just crap that will be thrown to the fire along with everything else when the time comes. I may be dumb, but at least not enough not to understand that lol

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@9273274,

You are not dumb.
You are not stupid.
You are not a “piece of trash”.
You are not wasting the time of anyone here.

But I hear your anger, frustration, sadness that comes from what you may have experienced with some people before. You mentioned feeling horrible since people finished you off a year ago, your difficulty to smile again, to be fulfilled in your life. Those are valid feelings, emotions, reasons to be hurting.

I am sorry. Sorry that you have been disappointed by others before. Sorry that you’re struggling with your beliefs, sorry you lost that sense of control in your life recently.

Those are circumstances, difficult ones. They are not meant to last though. And it doesn’t say anything about who you are.

I too have been hurt by some people in my life, some people I trusted. I’ve been left alone and I didn’t know how to reach out to anyone anymore. I was lost between that anger and sadness, constantly. Sometimes I still am stuck in this. I let myself drowned by the pain. Sometimes it’s easier to turn those feelings against myself. Sometimes it’s easier when it’s against others. There were times when it was tempting to give up on everything and everyone as it felt safer to do that, as I felt so diminished in my core. But none of this is truly sarisfying nor healing.

There are people here in this community who sincerely care about you. You matter. And that is an unconditional truth. I don’t reply to you to feel better in my own life right now. I’m writing these words because I see someone hurting and being brave enough to share that vulnerability with strangers. I respect you. I care about you.

You are right, saying that somehow putting all our expectations on others isn’t healthy. But it’s because our worth isn’t define by others perceptions. Not because it’s impossible to trust anyone in this world. There are people in this world who genuinely care. Some because they will learn to know you deeply. Some because they believe in unconditional love, whether it’s filled with a spiritual motivation or not.

You said you don’t have anyone to talk anymore? Then we are here. On this post, through private messages. You are listened, read, heard. You are not alone. But I know that it might be hurting you to accept that or to believe it right now. It’s okay. Take your time. Just know that this community will still be here for you.

Take care, friend.

Your safety, your well-being matter. Not because I say it. But because you’re a person, you’re existing, you are a unique part of this giant world and you have so many treasures to share with it.
No one nor anything can take that away from you.

:heart:

Friend, I hear you. I can see that things are so intensely frustrating for you right now. I can see that you are angry and frustrated. Hey, those feelings are valid okay?

Do you want to talk more what happened and why it is effecting you? Who are these people that have “finished you off”

You know, I can understand how frustrating it is when we have people in our lives who negatively impact us or make us feel like utter crap. People who leave us feeling small and like we don’t matter. But these thing you are telling yourself are not true. You deserve to be heard my friend. What you are feeling right now matters. What you are going through does not make you or your feelings garbage.

We care. I know we don’t know you personally but we care what happens. We care about how you are feeling. If you need to talk and chat about all the things you are angry about, were listening. We’re open to you. Okay?

Not everyone is like this my friend. It is true, however, that we have to be careful where we feed our energies. Who we give our time. No, you don’t want to invest in people that just want to use or take advantage of you. No, you don’t want to invest in people who don’t value and don’t want to equally put into the relationship. Friendships are a two way street. Not one. Don’t be around people who make you miserable. Yes, those type of people should be distanced from. But not all people are like that. I promise. There are good people out there.

It is also true that we shouldn’t rely on others to be happy. Yes, as humans we crave companionship and intimacy. Yes, this helps boost our happiness. But we should not rely on others for happiness. We should learn how to find our own happiness. (: And if we find a mate in the process, that’s great.

Something else I have learned is that, family isn’t always blood. Sometimes family are the people we surround ourselves in. Sometimes family is our closest friend. I have no association with 99% of my family. It’s lonely, but I assure you that I still have family among those I love most.

Friend I’m sorry that your friends, family and loved ones have left you feeling this way. If you need to talk more about why they have made you feel how to do, please know you can. Okay? Because it matters.

hugs