I wish I were stronger

This past month has been hell.

Had a seizure on September 23rd. Was sent to the emergency room. Prescribed Levetiracetam for seizure prevention. Slept for three days then took two midterms that same Thursday and Friday and turned in a paper on Friday. Took another midterm the next Monday, which I failed. Began having intense nightmares and racing heart and suicidal thoughts and extreme daytime drowsiness from the meds. Got my period and extreme cramps. Fell behind in classes. Called multiple suicide hotlines. Went to the crisis center on campus. Went to the neurologist and paid ~$130 to be recommended an MRI & EEG that combined will cost more than ~$550 without insurance. Prescribed Lamotrigine (causes me intense sleepiness) to replace Levetiracetam but had to taper the Levetiracetam slowly, which I’m still on just less of it.

Things started to look better for a bit. Then I took another midterm. Failed to turn in another project that was worth ten percent of my grade for the class I had already failed the midterm in. Got low grades on several homework assignments because I couldn’t focus. Scheduled a psychiatric appointment. Had to quit my part-time job. Received the emergency room bills yesterday and found out I need to pay ~$6000 for my five-hour ER stay so broke down last night. Dropped the class I failed the midterm in because I would fail it and mess up my GPA. Forgot to go to a class where we a had a quiz scheduled and couldn’t make it up. Turned in the wrong homework assignment today so I won’t get credit for it in that class.

I’m so fucked up inside. I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, but if I had just been a stronger person, maybe I wouldn’t have these problems. Maybe if I had been better at handling stress I wouldn’t have been so sad and unmotivated after the seizure and I would have done better on the tests and homework and if I were stronger and better then I could have handled my job like other people do every day. If I were stronger and I didn’t have anxiety and depression anyway then I wouldn’t have felt as bad taking the Levetiracetam and maybe I wouldn’t have cried so much and made my friends so worried and made them take care of me and been bitchy and moody all the time.

It’s like this month everything shitty that could have piled on top of me just pushed me down and down and down. I feel like I’ve fallen from a place that wasn’t the best anyway and I just keep falling somehow. I hate being so weak, I hate having to spend so much money. My parents sent me here so I could learn and save them money and I have a younger sister that still needs to be taken care of and needs money. They’re supportive and told me it would be alright but I still feel so weak and lazy and horrible. I hate having depression and possibly needing medication for it, I hate feeling so much all the time, I hate the fact that I think about committing suicide every single day.

I don’t know what to do. I just wish I were stronger and better and could handle things like normal people can handle them. I wish I were better and deserved all the care my friends give me which I don’t deserve because I’m so weak all the time, I couldn’t even keep a job, I couldn’t even tough out this class and now I’m only taking 12 credit hours.

I just wish I were stronger.

Hi Gracylveon,

First of all, I want to let you know that you are strong. You survived through difficult situation in your life and you’re still going forward. Its okay to feel. Its okay to feel depressed and its okay to feel anxiety and you should not beat yourself up for that. We are allowed to feel, but its up to us on how we act upon our feelings. This is not an easy thing, but I believe you are working towards getting here. You are not weak, you’ve been beaten up by life but to me, it seems like you are getting yourself up and getting ready to keep fighting. It’s hard and life is sometimes so rough and it seems like we take three steps forward and two back, but at the end of the day, we at least took one step forward. I believe in you and we are all here for you. It helps me thinking of situations like this: if I have hit the bottom, the only way to go is up. I know for myself, dealing with depression and anxiety has been really difficult and I have spent a few years working on how to deal with it. I read and journal a lot and try to surround myself with encourage people. I also take vitamins (B12, B6, D3 and Magnesium). I feel like they are helping me. I also have learned that my feelings do not represent reality and I have learned to sort my feelings and think through logic. I am no where near perfect and I still struggle a lot with so many other life things, but I just want to tell you that you are not alone! Its okay to feel, don’t beat yourself up for feeling what you do. And you recognize that these are negative feelings so you can work with it and find what works for you.