A lot of my friends are going back to school, and it’s really breaking me, cause it’s reminding me of how broken of a human being I am.
I have a depression and a severe social anxiety disorder, possibly something else too (me and my psychologist are looking into BPD but I have my doubts). With all of this, I’m unable to attend school. I’ve dropped out of 4 schools because I really want to study and get an education but being around people 5 days a week is just too much and it always ends up in mental breakdown and I drop out. I currently work 1 day (4 hours) a week and it’s the literal limit that I can deal with - even with that I’m often exhausted for the rest of the week.
Seeing all my friends starting school again just reminds me that I’m a damn mess, I don’t even know exactly why, all I know is I’m struggling to function and I’m still miles and miles away from being healthy enough to study, and I’m not sure if I ever will be able to, and it spirals into “if I’m gonna be like this for the rest of my life, is it even worth it?”
I’m not actually suicidal. I could never do that to my family and friends. But I do hate myself and my life a lot, and not knowing if it will ever get better just makes me question why the hell am I even trying.
Thanks for being willing to share how you are feeling. That is tough. Know that you are not alone, I also did not pursue traditional post secondary education because of mental health issues. It’s hard when people seem to be moving forward at a pace you can’t keep up with. Everybody’s path through life is different. There is nothing wrong with how you are living your life, you’re doing what’s right for you and you health - and that takes a lot of courage.
Keep going & take care of yourself. It’s hard but you’ve got this. The most important thing is that your live your life in a healthy way for you.
@Sarita ,
Thank you for opening up , i know its hard for you to do so much especially with school , have you tried online classes? i know how you feel tbh , i cant be around big groups of people either, i like being in or around small groups . just know no matter what you are loved . Remember to hold fast and you are worth it
we haven’t spoken much, but from what I know of you, you are so freaking strong. I get what it feels like to not be able to go to school etc around people. I had to go into a college course that was academically 3 levels below my skill set because I HAD to be in education but couldn’t be there more than 3 days a week. I also know what it’s like to feel like you’re never going to get better, or that you’re not good enough. I fight those thoughts EVERYDAY. Just today I was in such a state - feeling like I’m not worth recovery. Feeling like I’m “too broken” to be loved by the people in this community especially, thinking about giving up on everything. We’re all fighting our own battles friend.
Hold Fast
Kayla
We’re here for you friend 
I know what you are going through , cause I also go through very similar things.
I can barely manage this art class thing Im doing and it is barely even an education. I avoid downtown, I avoid parties, I barely even know my classmates. I used to not even be able to get on the buss to go anywhere. I know it seems impossible but I do think you can get to the point where you feel more “human”. I can deal with the buss, I can deal with having to hangout with my class now, to a certain degree and sometimes I can’t but Im making progress and so can you. Anxiety controls us so much and I was told to just go against it. But it isnt that easy, otherwise no one would be feeling like this.
Also I get the comparisson thing. I’ve beaten myself to a pulp for not being able to graduate with a degree like my best friends. They have jobs now and Im still stuck. But thing is, it isnt their journey. It is my journey. This is your journey, it sucks big time, but you are not comparable to these people. You are you, amazing and wonderful and hilarious. A person I trust with my deepest thoughts and I wish you would be more appreciative of yourself cause you are a beautiful soul.
I think what I would say, for you and also for myself. When it gets super tough, that is when you gotta continue on and just keep walking forward.
@Sarita - You’re strong. Your life is valuable. You got this friend! Hold fast; we’re here for you. 
keep trying Sarita! You can do it!
We all have those ‘am i worth it? am I doing ______ to some standard?’ Do you see that last section you wrote about having family and friends? they’re there to love you, they are the reason you’re still here and should be. I’m not sure if an online university is an option to you, but it might be the foot in the door that gets you the confidence to keep going. Everyone hopes for the best for you!
Sarita,
Thank you for reaching out, both to a psychologist, and us. I get what you’re going through, I myself have tried school plenty of times, but always back away due to people and that stress.
On the practical “schooling side” I echo what Ashley said, have you looked into online courses? They might be the way to go.
You are by no means a mess, or any such thing. You just have to find your path. It may not be the same path as everyone else on the planet. Thats cool. Thats the dopeness of life. You can carve your own path. Instead of focusing on what you cant do, think about what you can?
I cant do crowds, but Im super good at one on one time with people. I’m actually solid at listening, and I love stories. Maybe thats your thing, maybe its something else.
Theres a million things we cant do, but I all but guarantee there are plenty of things you’re SUPER DOPE at.
Living your life held up to someone elses mirror and getting confused why its showing their reflection and not yours is no way to live.
Im super proud of you for coming here and speaking up, and I’m sure if anyone here can help you, we go you friend. You are a Dope-A-Saurus Rex, and no one can take that from you.
@starfrenia as someone who personally dropped out of 2 colleges because of my depression I understand some of what you are dealing with. It is this pain of seeing people doing what you want to do. For myself it was like a knife in my heart. It was like a spotlight on all my failures. But what the guys on the stream are saying is right. Things will work themselves out. Our paths and stories are not the same and we are still full of worth even during our broken times. I am still learning that my life is beautiful even though I am miles behind my friends. I had to start small. I had to take only one class a week at a small community college and see my therapist 2 times a week. Every day I had to calm myself down and remind myself that I could do this. And now I am taking 16 hours (I still can’t do full time and that is okay) and I am now working for a professor in his office. It’s perfect for me because it is quietand it doesn’t trigger my anxiety. There is hope. Maybe we have to work harder than others to get there, but we will get there. Hold Fast my friend. I believe in you.
Love,
Cassie
You can do it. Stay amazing <3
I’m sorry that you feel so low. Try not thinking it as limits and more so like training. You got this. Small victorys are how you win the war
First off I love you.
I truly get these feelings and it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
At my old job I will be honest and say it was Hell. My anxiety was honestly killing me- I hated myself so much and even to this day I go through those bouts. Working is hard when you have to go to school- I never picked up a call in from them, I never wanted any extra hours- I quit my job because of my anxiety and self hate. It was getting to be too much and I couldn’t take it anymore.
I was left on the verge of ending myself because it was too much.
I was still in high school and that was just another thing on top of the mountain. Being around the same people who gave me the same looks 5 times a week for 6 hours a day really hit me. I was broken and bruised and battered by the time I graduated a few months ago and damn I thought I was a goner. I didn’t think I would make it to graduation but I did- somehow I did.
I didn’t think I was going to make it to college- but here I am. I didn’t think I would ever drive- but here I am (especially where I have to drive now for work and school) heck I didn’t think I’d ever be able to drive to the mall and now I know I can. I was so overcome with anxiety- so many times I felt like I was going to pass out, I just started crying at the smallest things, I was so freaking depressed- but here I am. I’m still alive.
I don’t know if any of that helps but I guess my point is just friend- it DOES get better.
I was terrified to find a new job but today was a good day- and it feels so good to say that. It feels so good to feel ok.
I know that day will come for you too.
Keep fighting. Keep finding healthy ways to cope. I believe in you.
For my anxiety I stretch a lot- like you don’t have to do a full on yoga routine in front of everyone- but what I do is I just stretch my legs until I feel the “burn” (the lactic acid and sciency stuff).
Hold fast. Love you.
With love,
Lyss (ur old pal Blurryface)
Thank you so much for all the love and support. Not just in the past couple of days but for the past months I’ve been able to be a part of this community. It’s not going unnoticed or unappreciated, you people keep giving me hope every day. Thank you. I still have a lot of work to do with trying to see myself in a more positive light and focus more on my strengths rather than my weaknesses, but I’m blessed to be surrounded by people who are there to remind me that I’m still loved. <3
@all_around_ashley @ZeroHourHero one of the schools I dropped out was actually online (since finnish education system is a bit different, my situation is actually what you guys would consider highschool dropout, so I was doing highschool online). I was able to study the material by myself but unfortunately tests and exams for most subjects still had to be done at the school, and due to me living in a small town, the closest school that was a part of the online class program was 5 hour drive away. So I did that for a while with my parents help but I cant ask them to take a day off to drive me every time, and the anxiety before exams is too bad for me to travel by myself.
what you’re feeling i a lot more common than you think. First off, you’re not a waste. We all have struggles and what you’re facing can be conquered. I’ve been in the place where you don’t see how things can get better. All hope is lost and the door is locked. There is always a way out. Always steps to take big or small. You’re going to take things step by step and before you realize, you’ll be in stride.