I would say... the least for me that i could try

HeartSupport Support
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Hello!! sigh, its been quite a long time already since i get myself to rant it out here. Last time it was 3 years ago. I wanted to rant… but i was caught between something that swallows my rasional decisions.

I used to rant here cuz i dont have anyone to talk to. I mean i still am but this is the least i could do for myself. Ask advice, seek for other people experiences on how they would deal with such situations. I admit it im at a fault cuz I didnt seek professional help even though i know what’s going on in my head. First becuz my parents cant accept the fact i’d be this depressive and secure (they just dont wanna believe it so they assume im stress and yes, they keep mentioning i need to control things inside my head) Second cuz we are lack of money. A lot of things happened since covid and i just hate it, really hate it when they mention about not having enough money. I tried so hard to convince them that i could help them by working after my finale exam finish in highschool. But they sent me to continue study. Honestly the money they gave it was for my siblings school things. They should at least trust me in helping them. Money wasn’t the only reason. I wanted to improve my communication skills and get over anxiety with other people. Well things didnt go quite well even though i asked her opinion about me working as a part time freelancer just for few months before i gotta continue my study. Its a no from her since i didnt have bank account cuz of me born at the end of december. Im glad the money that we still have enough for the time being but still, this concern me a lot.

My first sem in the beginings, it went very smoothly until the severe breakdowns i experience in every month hits me in the wrong time. I tried to stay stong alone. Its hard. People around me irl have people tht they could at least interact or yknow. (Im sorry, I honestly couldnt understand much about how other humans get along so well to each other). I noticed that 3 of my classmates, dislike me very much for no reason. Just becuz i at least could speak english. little do they know how i was struggling talking in english, no; even talking to other people i would be stuttering a lot. Plus English isnt my primary language. But I would say at least I did well with my speakings that time. For some reason I feel like tht mocked me when they said i am very good at english. But thats the thing. I am excellent in that subject but in other im abit slow. (I am studying at one of Malaysia’s Polythecnic btw). I didnt took art becuz i was in the science class when i was in highschool. Things were messed up 2 years ago i just wanna make things right and not to make people hate me, notice me. Sounds liek a pick me but i was just wanna be nice to everyone and i want them to acknowledge me. I forgot i live in the world and not in the movie. Reality is we are the onlymain character in our own stories. I sacrificed myself just to please people. Hoping they would stay. Society is shitty. So am i. I wonder why am i so complicated. I became more introverted than before. I just wanted to forget that old time where people just mock me without valid reasons. I just wanna be nice and usefull and not a burden.

I will continue telling wat happened next if I could. My head a lil bit hurt tryna figure out how am i gonn survive for this new sem.
Thanks for reading this, truly. This is the least i could do for myself. I can’t afford to trust people but i remeber my mom said earlier before they left me since im staying in hostel. (quite common). She said don’t close up your heart even though you can afford to trust. Life as a human do be like tht cuz we live to comm and help eachother.
Again <3 thank you for reading.

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While you’re in school, maybe a counselor or someone in administration can help you find some assistance in dealing with depression. You may be in a situation where even though your parents can’t accept that you’re depressed, you still need to acknowledge it to someone who can locate help for you. There may be assistance available for students with limited money, as the school would really rather their students succeed. They don’t want students to fail or drop out, and as far as I know most schools have programs that try to prevent that. I was finally diagnosed with dyslexia, ADD and depression when I got to college. I was given additional time on tests, and was taught methods to deal with the ADD. I also received medication for depression.

It sounds like you’re not quite old enough to be on your own, so should not resist your parent’s wish for you to continue studying. I suspect that they feel they’re doing the right thing for you, and giving you the best possible start in life. They might be wrong, but their intentions are based on love.

You are correct. They dislike you for no VALID reason. Instead, they’re looking for excuses to feel superior to you. They’re probably trying to impress others by treating you that way, and are very likely picking out other students to treat badly as well.

What happened two years ago isn’t terribly important now because you’ve grown a lot, and there’s nothing you can do to change the past anyway. If you worry about repeating the experience of two years ago, you’re kind of suggesting to yourself that you haven’t learned or changed since then. I guarantee, you’re far different today.

Trying to please people is very likely to cause their respect for you to decrease. They might even pretend to like you in order to take advantage of your willingness to please them, then turn away when they no longer want to use you.

That happens in this country a lot. It happens in the form of racism, economic disparity, looks, careers, etc. Your mom is right, closing your heart won’t fix the issue. It might replace the pain with numbness, but that can lead to even worse consequences, as it lowers sensitivity and empathy and you end up at risk of becoming too much like those people who’ve caused you pain in the past.

I’ve been an introvert all my life, and have finally decided it was a gift, as I’m an observer, and was never dragged into the vain, shallow mind games, cliquishness and popularity contests that were so common in school, and even carry over into so many adult workplaces. I’ve also found introverts to be very easy to love. They tend to be excellent listeners, and such people are invaluable.

You deserve decent authentic friends. You deserve to be a decent authentic friend to yourself.

Welcome back! Stay in touch!

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From: The Blind Ash

Hello, I am so glad you came to share this struggle with us. I know that it is hard to know of safe places to share what is going for us but you are doing a step to help you like you said. I am sorry that right now you cant afford to see someone over the depression and such but let me say this its a battle I face in terms of the depression yes I am grateful I can see someone for it and get help. Sadly though it takes a lot of time for me to open up to someone new. And even with that I still struggle with the stuff that makes me depressed or down or anxious. This is due to the fact that I know it is a chronic thing for me. I know that I wont just magically heal because I am seeing someone to help me with it. I am well aware that maybe it will be different for you. As for the helping your family out with money I completely get that you want too that is a very kind thing of you to want to do. I am getting the idea that you care deeply about your family. It is hard when your family is struggling to make ends meet and yet you dont entirely have the ability to change that. I am sorry. As for the classmates that is a super hard thing. I personally struggled in that area of classmates and friends. I ended up spending far more time with my own horses and dogs. I still do that. I also will admit I was the kid sitting on the floor near my favorite teachers classroom waiting to go talk to her or the classroom of my first class because I didnt really have friends so I would sit doing something else. Its okay to do things like that and remember that no one else sets who you are or what you are good at maybe yes they were being sarcastic or something but we wont know as we are not them. So do you feel that you are good at these things. If so that is all that matters. I am sorry they are doing this too you. I hope you know that we care. I am sorry stuff is tough right now. I hope you know that you are cared about. Hold fast Ash

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From: ManekiNeko

thank you for sharing this with us! It must be hard knowing that you know that you need some help beyond yourself, but not having that resources due to income. I like what wings mentioned about asking about a school counsellor! Does that sound like something that could benefit you? Maybe they can provide resources for you and assist point you in the right direction.

it’s hard when you feel you have to please people, it’s such a hard thing to break from. Sometimes people can start to use people like that because they know they’ll just keep saying yes. What do you feel about boundary setting when it comes to that? Do you feel like if it came to it you could say no and put yourself first?

I just want to encourage you that you have a safe space here to share and to thank you for coming and opening up when it can be so hard to do so.

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From: ᏒᎧᏕᎥᏋ

Hi Friend, I’m sorry that your parents aren’t being supportive about your mental health. I wonder if you could visit Campus Services at your school to see if they can offer you some type of counseling or resources for support. One way to make some friends is joining after school clubs. Maybe they offer something that interests you. You’ll be with people who share that same interest, so it could be easy to make friends. This could open the door for a lot of positive things. You matter and deserve to feel loved. ~Mystrose

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I am so proud of you for being here, and for so wonderfully expressing and sharing your thoughts with us.
We will always be here to read your words, and to see you. You matter and you’re loved, friend.

Pstt here’s a secret though - you just did! You just trusted a whole bunch of us with your precious thoughts and feelings, and you felt a bit better I hope? Being away at hostel for classes is something I understand well, and I do hope that you can see what clubs or groups are available that you can join, maybe something you really love or are interested in!

Would writing a positive thing you like about yourself, about something nice or good that happened during the day help you? It’s so easy to not see the tiny happy moments when they happen, or overlook them. You are wonderful and deserve to celebrate yourself and your efforts too.

We’re here, please come back as often as you need or want to. We’re here to stand with you, to listen, and to genuinely care. I’m glad you posted and id this for yourself!

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From: Mamadien

Anonymous, I’m glad you have come back to the Heart Support wall to talk. Rant away my friend, this is a safe place to do that. Going from high school to university and living away from home is a huge change in life. And if you are already have feelings of anxiety and insecurity, it can make that transition harder. And you are feeling the pressure to do well at school. It can all be overwhelming. You talk about the mocking that happened in high school. That can set your expectations to see it happen in college too. And that may not actually be the case. People who have said you speak English well, may mean just what they say. It’s hard to reach out when you are unsure about how others will respond. But don’t give up. When you are unsure, come here and tell us. Know that you are capable, you are strong, you matter and you have friends here who will listen.

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Hello there,
welcome back and thank you for opening up. :hrtlegolove:

You have a lot of struggles going on right now and I am sorry you are going through all that. It is a frustrating feeling when your parents don’t take your mental health struggles seriously. Is it possible for you to reach out to free services where you live, maybe a counsellor on campus to talk about what is burdening you? Even if it is not real therapy, having somebody close by who understands you can make a huge difference. I would also guess that your parents don’t want you to work and instead want you to continue your education because they want you to have a good future with opportunities.

It is sad that people mock you for speaking English. Is it possible they are a bit envious of your English skills? You mentioned you are studying science now and didn’t pick art. Would that be something you are interested in and that brings you joy? If it is, maybe you can try to create something in your free time. You don’t need to study for that or have expensive supplies, just a pen and paper can be enough in the beginning.

What stuck out to me was that you wrote you just want to be nice to people and you sacrificed yourself to please others. It would be sad if you lost yourself over trying to make other people happy. Maybe you could try to make yourself happy for a change, or find something that does. Like you said, this is the least you can do for yourself. You could make that your mantra, whenever you have an idea about doing something for yourself and not for others, tell yourself , it’s the least you can do. It’s just a weird idea I just had. :thinking:

I really hope you will feel better soon and wish you all the best. We believe in you!

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