I wrote my suicide letter

I don’t know how to start this off. I’m a liar. I’m a hypocrite. All I do is hurt the people I care the most about.

38 days ago I overdosed. Something stopped me from taking enough to actually do any serious damage, but as a result, I lost so much. More than what I’d lost in my active addiction.
I’ve hurt so many people that I love and there’s no way I can get those relationships back and I have been very harshly reminded of that.

I’m ready to give up. I can’t take this pain anymore. I have written out my goodbye letter, and I wanted to just say goodbye to you all too.

I’m so grateful to have been a part of all your journeys. Keep on going on.



Hi. I am so sorry. I know it is hard and i know that you are in a lot of pain but please think about what are you about to do. I am not saying that you are wrong about everything being bad and people leaving you. I want you to think about your options. Isnt there any other way out of this situacion. I want you to think about it because your desicion might be final. Are you sure about ending it… please just think about everything and everyone that you care about and than make a desicion but not before that… I am sure people here are glad that you are here and that you share your story with us… please just think about it… and if you are not sure call the suicide hotline… they will help you.


Please be very careful about this choice you are about to make. This is an irriversiable decision and if you fail you will be in more pain than you were before.
Are you sure this is what you want? Are you sure this is a good decision? Are you sure that in this very long life of yours things will never get better, even when they do? I don’t want you making a decision you will regret, and I don’t want you to die. You’re an amazing person and you deserve the same happiness as everyone else in this world. I need you to take a deep breath and question what is controlling you most right now. If it is your impulsiveness, you need to go to a hospital or reach out to someone, if it’s emotions you need to sleep and take a break from everything. If it’s getting this bad you need a break for your mental health. Please don’t make this decision. And keep us updated if you change your mind.


Kayla, please. Don’t do this.
You’re loved and wanted. And I care about you. You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met and an awesome friend. Please stay ;-;


Please don’t do this there are a lot of people including everyone one here who don’t want to see anything bad happen to you. I think there is a good chance that things can get better for you. Were all here if you need someone to talk to.


You will never find a true hypocrite who admits to being one. Therefore, it’s very clear that you are not a hypocrite. Are you calling yourself a hypocrite because you have been unable to live up to your own expectations? That’s not being a hypocrite. It’s being human, and a work in progress as we all are.

Do you think of yourself as a liar because you haven’t been able to keep promises that you have made to yourself and others? That’s not really lying. You were sincere when you made the promises, and then things just didn’t work out.

Have you deliberately hurt anyone? I doubt it.

Those you care about the most know that you’re hurting and struggling. No doubt, it makes them sad. In an attempt to help you feel motivated, someone may say they are disappointed in you, but that’s absolutely the wrong thing to say. When you are struggling, you need encouragement and support, not negativity.

The thing about suicide is, you can’t change your mind about it later. You miss out on the experience of being loved. You won’t be able to smell the fragrance after a rain. You won’t know how your life would have turned out. You won’t be around to help those who would benefit from your counsel and experience.

You are grateful to have been a part of our journeys. We are grateful to have you. Your unique presence is a gift to us all. You are loved. You are welcome. Please stay with us.


last year I tried to overdose on ADHD meds. ended up in hospital for nearly three days. they gave me a gross black charcoal drink that they told me was to line my stomach so the pills would dissolve. turns out it was to make me throw my guts up. I had to stay an extra day because I was still throwing up when I should’ve recovered. cant think about it without feeling queasy even now.
if I had died I would have missed out on so much happiness and laughter. it does get better. I know you don’t want to hear it and I know you don’t feel like it will. but it will. in primary school I was hopelessly depressed. tried to OD a couple times when I transitioned from primary to high. fell into depression again.
if I had been taken away during then?
I would have never realised that it’s a mistake.
it’s a mistake to take away your own life. I know how sick you are of hearing the same words over and over. but ive been there.
just a few days ago my friend decided to have a google meet video call with some other friends and we played some games online. we laughed so damn hard. all the stress that I was feeling due to going back to online learning dissipated.
if this could happen to me, it could happen to you. it will happen to you. I know it doesnt feel like it.
but it will.


Kayla…don’t you dare.
Don’t you dare take yourself away from us. We don’t deserve that, and what’s more is YOU don’t deserve that. You think you’re hurting the people you love now? Well let me tell you that you will send shockwaves through the lives of everyone that loves you if you make a permanent decision like this…I’m sorry if I sound mad right now…but it’s because I am. I’m mad because I care and I love you. I wouldn’t be mad if I didn’t.
I am getting frustrated at the fact that I literally watched you in chat yesterday encouraging someone who felt like they had nothing. You were telling them about needing to take steps to get to where they want to be, and that there are people that care about them and love them. Why can’t you turn that in toward yourself? I know you rationally know that you have it in you to fight your demons and work through staying clean. I also know that you’re saying “but” in your head over and over and over (you’re good at that lol). Any time someone encourages you or reminds you how strong you are, you instantly shoot it down by saying “yeah but…” and don’t even give it time to possibly sink in and get through the clouds and the fog in your head.

We need you here. You are such an important part of this world, this community; your stories and encouragement and jokes and general Britishness help SO MANY PEOPLE. I’m not lying saying that. The amount of wonderfulness you bring to the world needs to continue. You are not your struggles. You are the hilarious, wonderful friend who yelled ”your face is inappropriate!” at me in chat yesterday and made me actually laugh out loud and smile. You talking about your relapse and journey since have touched other people struggling with the very same things.

I’ve thankfully never lost a friend to suicide, and I’m sure as hell not gonna start now. You know there was a reason you didn’t fatally OD that day. It’s not your time to go. I promise.
I heard a story about a guy who was minutes away from leaping off a bridge when he slipped and grabbed back onto the bridge so he didn’t fall….that made him realize that he apparently didn’t actually want to die, or he wouldn’t have grabbed back on. I think of that story like yours in a way. There was something deep inside you that knew you don’t actually want to die. Not now. Not yet. We need you here. People that you don’t even know yet need you here so they can meet you in the future and love you and feel how great it is to know you.

Please. We were even talking about you and your foam bananas on stream yesterday before you showed up. It made me smile.

Also, as someone who has actually written a suicide letter with a makeshift will in it….I understand the feeling and I hate that you’re in that place in your head. Just keep at it, one more day. Just keep saying that. One more day. One more day. Pretty soon you’ll have made it out of the hole before you’ve realized it, all by just making it to the next day. It’s what I had to do last summer. Baby steps are enough. You are enough. You are worth it. Worth the work, worth the concern, worth the love.

Idk if you actually read all that or not Kayla, but I hope you did. I love you friend. You are very special to me (and to many many many other people) and I look forward to being back to the days when your only mood is silly, like when I first met you. :orange_heart:


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