I'd like to say I'm ok, but I'm not

What up friendships, it’s your boy zero.

While I’ve made leaps and bounds over where I was a year ago, lately I’ve been feeling myself falling back… hard.

Between being a job that doesnt appreciate me, bills piling up that I’m in the process of fighting because they’re incorrect, and other stuff I’m burning out.

Lately, I’ve found myself failing to maintain my house, and just withdrawing from people again. Even at night I just sit in my chair, alone, and eating myself inside asking myself questions like “Why cant I find a new job?” “Why cant I improve my ssituation?” “Why cant I be more than I am?” And I feel that anger and frustration and lonliness that I thought I had put down, bubbling back up.

I feel like a failure often. I try to reach out to people, but my normal way of doing so is gaming, and as of late when I reach out to go “Hey, want to play something?” So I can be social, so I can keep myself from falling back into myself everyone is busy, has moved onto a new game, or doesnt respond at all.

Now I’m also a streamer, and while my community is dope, it’s hard to maintain that line between Jay the Steamer and Jay the dude who’s not Ok. While I’m open with them about my bad days, at the same token I cant really dump my head on them, it’s not why the come around.

So because of my anxiety whenever anyone doesnt respond, or says they’re busy, or moved on, my brain goes completely irrational and goes “Nobody likes you. If they did, theyd play with you.” And it sends me down this path of loathing I’ve worked hard to escape.

I’m starting to feel like the “needy friend” and to be honest, I hate that feeling.

To put it simply, a tldr if you will, I feel like I’m slowly imploding and becoming that dude I fought so hard to not be anymore and I don’t know what to do.

1 Like

Thanks for sharing man. I know it takes a lot of courage.
This is a hard one for me too. It’s hard to find the balance between just casually hanging out with friends and being honest about how you’re doing with them. I think the best kind of friends that you want are ones who are ready for both kinds of hang outs all the time. At the same time, you’re right; not everybody is emotionally ready to handle your baggage; so it’s hard. But that doesn’t mean they don’t like you or don’t like being friends with you, some people just need a lot more time alone than other people, I struggle with finding this balance as well so you aren’t alone.
Gaming is one of my main ways to connect with people as well, because if the conversation falls flat you can always just focus on the game and still have a good time with that person. It doesn’t make you needy or annoying at all to want to hang out with people. And yeah, it sucks when people aren’t around to game with you; I remember recently I had been playing a game with a few friends pretty much every night for a week, and finally I asked them “Do you guys maybe want to play something else this time?” And all I got was a flat no and wasn’t invited to play with them anymore. Which was really weird and kind of hurtful. They obviously weren’t trying to hurt my feelings, but it brings me to my point that gaming with friends is a great opportunity to build community with them, and you need to find people who share that same vision of gaming. Because once you find them you’ll find they’re much more available.
I know it’s hard, but be patient; and if you keep trying and put your trust in the right things, your situation will change and things will look up. Hard times build us into who we are, both financially and emotionally, I’ve learned.
I hope my advice wasn’t patronizing at all, I think you’re an awesome guy and I respect the crap out of you.

Hold fast,

Hey man, thanks for reaching out. It shows strength and I’m proud of you.

This is definitely hard. It sucks to feel like people don’t care about you or don’t want to hang out with you. And while it’s hard to just push that feeling away, you’ve already said that it’s your anxiety lying to you. You know that in reality your friends care about you, even if it’s hard to see it or feel that way in the moment.

Also, just remember that it’s okay to not be okay. I get why it could feel like you’re burdening people when you stream and open up about your bad days, but I really believe more people will gladly stick around for that than you think.

Anyway man, I hope things get better. We’re always here if you want to reach out again.

Hold fast.

Hey man, thanks for reaching out and sharing.

I can totally understand where you are coming from in feeling like a burden asking for help. I often struggle with the same thing, and have been working to get better. Like others have said most people are willing to help even if in our minds we tell ourselves hey won’t be. I didn’t tell anyone about my depression and anxiety for months feeling like I’d be a burden to them. I finally got to rock bottom after attempting suicide, and broke down to my friends and family about what was going on. I was shocked by the love and willingness they gave, and the sense of community I found. It may not seem like people are there for you, but they will be. Much like sharing on here, it takes courage to reach out to someone.

Know that we are all here for you, and are always available to talk and listen. We love and care about you man!

Stay strong and hold fast.