don’t you hate it when it seems like even life itself is screwing with you-
I had a whole thing prepared about heartsupport_fans and how I didn’t like it and then it kinda spiraled off in another direction… come back the next day to upload it to hs? gone. not even saved. bc I forgot to save it.
Made myself a cute lanyard with washi tape and a small ziploc to store pronoun pins in. The first day I wear it to school? I tear it apart trying to rescue it from under the weight of another student.
I’m clumsy af and sometimes my hands get really tense and weird feeling, sensory issues yk… anyways I was painting a thing and because of that there’s now beautifully awful out of place splatters everywhere.
on top of that the dissociation is getting worse again… I was writing myself a list of pronouns and matchups to know what pins I would have to make and man I dissociated hard…
I can’t keep my stupid neurodivergent brain and mouth shut and ofc it cost me a friend, it always does… same friend today exploded at me for “mentioning someone repeatedly” when literally every other friend in the group had mentioned the same person in a worse way then I had but noooo I was the one at fault!
And, the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae, the piece de resistance, the friend sitting next to me leans over and whispers “they’re funny when they’re mad” which just so happened to be just the exact thing that got me into this mess in the first place! So ofc it’s fine when she says it but me? apparently not!
and so ofc when I went basically nonvocal for the rest of the day to keep from getting even more hurt then I already was, the only person who had the heart to ask “hey bro are you ok” was some random person at my science table group!
I’m such a failure lol…
my grades are perfection, them being:
B
A
B
A
IE
C-
because ofc I have the memory of a leaky colander and I keep. on. fracking. forgetting to ask the teacher about the dumb interview!!
I feel like I’m slipping… why? I have no clue… but I feel like life has kept chugging along it’s lil western-themed hootin and hollerin yeehaw steam track while I’ve been left in the dust and tumbleweeds coughing and trying to figure out where the heck it’s going
nothing I used to enjoy really makes me happy much anymore… not orchestra, the constant stressor of missing practice assignments and rushed skills checks getting me a bad grade…
not programming after… the incident
not cooking/baking as I’m so darn depressed these days and add that on top of my already bad memory and I end up mixing the sugar in /after/ the dough is already made…
not drama as the school is so darn new no one knows what they’re doing and I’m not allowed to play with the tech… plus most of the cast hates me
escapism is the only thing I have left, it’s the only thing I find joy… no the only thing I find not emptiness in
it’s a struggle to want to get out of bed lol
and the intrusive thoughts don’t even get me started
I hate the football kids, true, but that doesn’t mean I would ever wish upon them what flashes through my brain
the constant whispers of self-doubt and loathing are probably going to drive me insane if they haven’t already
my brain is like a computer, I have 20 tabs open at once, can’t tell where the music is coming from and there’s pop ups everywhere
like what’s the point of even trying at this stage
I’ve seen the cycle I know how this story ends
sure, life’s like a roller coaster, it has it’s ups and downs
but it’s a roller coaster you can never get off of
so, after awhile, everything begins to look the same, becoming bored and not caring if you’re up or down because you’ve done it a thousand times before…
I’m starting to become apathetic and that’s what scares me the most, I think
I used to be so sensitive and now I just feel… cold and hard and echo-ey inside
like whatever personality living inside my brain up and moved out, taking all of the furniture and decor with it, leaving me with only a maze of concrete walls
why should I even do anything? I know what’s gonna happen! Why go through the effort of choosing a path when they both lead right back to where you are right now?
and the people… I am not a fan of people
the single-celled footballers who seem to operate under a hive mind of “let’s make the most disruption and try and be funny to show off to my friends while completely disregarding other’s opinions, comfort and views”
I’m not saying all of them are the stereotype, but… I have yet to meet one who isn’t
people drain my batteries so quickly I’m just… I’m so done with people
constantly having to navigate an ever-changing landscape of contridictory rules that everyone seems to understand but me
constantly filtering myself based on who I’m with
and if I don’t know them well enough, just not talking at all
like how was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to talk about that one person, how was I supposed to know you hitting me in the face multiple times with a lunchbox wasn’t playful teasing but instead seriousness when you make no differentiation!? why does everyone else get to say things and have people just accept it as normal but when I say the same thing everyone seems to react as if I’ve summoned a demon or something…
ughghghg I hate myself so much that I can’t put it into words…
I want to lock myself in a box, at least then people won’t get mad at me for doing something apparently wrong, and then I can’t do any more crap that my brain can blackmail me with
am I not allowed to think people act/look cute without actually feeling any sort of romatic attraction to them!?
apparently not because this society shuns any form of attraction that doesn’t fall in the binary! dang americans and their binaries always scREWIN EVERYTHING UP-
I want to dig my nails into my forehead and claw at it to get the thoughts out, until it bleeds so that I can finally feel something, anything other then emotional pain I don’t care that it will hurt I don’t care that it will scab I don’t care that everyone only seem to care about me and notice my pain when they see the aftermath I deserve pain and suffering and maybe if I absorb enough of it like a depressed sponge the people I actually care about will be happy
I mean you know what they say right “talk less smile more/ don’t let them know whether you’re against or whether you’re for” so it would stand to reason the great and wise words of Lin-Manuel Miranda circa 2020 would still be applicable now, right!?
maybe that’s why people make me so tired
I put up a mask to hide that I’m hurting because I don’t want them to worry…
and then question why they don’t see my pain
it’s because I’m an idiot that’s why if they were real friends I shouldn’t have to feel uncomfy showing them what I’m actually feeling but I do so I can’t because these friends have a wonderfully consistent track record of… I believe the term is “giving zero fox” about whether I am hurting or not
and the more I reveal the more of my true self I put out there and the more of the “real me” they see the less they want to remain associated with me… cuz I’m a liar and a fraud and no one actually cares about me… they would all happily backstab me, I’ve seen it play out a million times before like I’m stuck in some kind of time loop that I can never escape from
I belive the term was “backstabbing gaslighting manipulative lying b**ch”, as elloquently put by my “friend.”
…he was, ironically, still one of the best people I have had in my life
gahghaghgahgha I’m an idiot
I’m stupid
or in the beautifully-put words of Mean Girls “smart with math but stupid with love” because I can’t understand this magical force for the life of me! Like who in their right mind sees a person and goes “ah they look very nice today I think I fancy spending the rest of my life with them… maybe I’ll ask them to talk with me over some warm tea and crumpets while I’m at it, really make it clear that I’m chuffed to bits with them!” and then the moment they actually get what they want they go all red and can’t talk… either I have social anxiety or I fall in love with everyone because I get butterflies in my stomach introducing myself to someone, thinking “please say they don’t hate me please say they want to talk to me please tell me I didn’t muster up the courage to ask them a question for nothing please tell me they wanna be my friend”
I just…
I’m so tired
I’m so done with everything
I’m done with life having a laugh at me while I fumble about trying to get my bearings
I wanna escape the planet into a world where things go right and everyone’s not evil and people actually care about the people they call their “friend”
I wanna go back to when I was a child and live there forever
I think I might still be a child at heart
I wanna finally focus on a hyperfixation for more than like two months and actually finish something for once
I want my life to mean something
and I don’t wanna be the “lad with hundreds of projects who’s gone bankrupt trying to pursue all of them at once”
lets be honest with ourselves here I’m not ready to go out into society and function
I wanna let someone else take over my brain for awhile and hide inside myself and just be /me/
without people judging every word I say
with people who will laugh along with me as we both realize what I just said might not have made the most sense, but we laugh because we know no one else will understand
I don’t know what I want…
I don’t want love…
I want to be loved
for simply me
not for my personality or my appearance
I just wanna be
asdgfijfsodkf this is all stupid what am I talking about
I don’t deserve to be happy
it doesn’t matter what I want
I don’t need to be happy
as long as the people who I care about are happy… that’s all that matters
cuz I have nothing, really
they’re all better artists, better musicians, better everythings
they deserve the world
and if I can’t give them that then…
I can at least give them better friends
because they don’t deserve to have to worry about me, I’m just deadweight
a waste of oxygen and space
I will never amount to anything
but if I can make them happy
see the smile on their face, the twinkle in their eye
that’s all I really need
and they deserve to have so much more then they do…
all I wish is that I could give them it
and to any of them who might be reading this:
I’m sorry
…for everything
… thank you for putting up with all my bullcrap for so long if you read this far…
thank you