Idek at this point someone help me

HeartSupport Support
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don’t you hate it when it seems like even life itself is screwing with you-

I had a whole thing prepared about heartsupport_fans and how I didn’t like it and then it kinda spiraled off in another direction… come back the next day to upload it to hs? gone. not even saved. bc I forgot to save it.

Made myself a cute lanyard with washi tape and a small ziploc to store pronoun pins in. The first day I wear it to school? I tear it apart trying to rescue it from under the weight of another student.

I’m clumsy af and sometimes my hands get really tense and weird feeling, sensory issues yk… anyways I was painting a thing and because of that there’s now beautifully awful out of place splatters everywhere.

on top of that the dissociation is getting worse again… I was writing myself a list of pronouns and matchups to know what pins I would have to make and man I dissociated hard…

I can’t keep my stupid neurodivergent brain and mouth shut and ofc it cost me a friend, it always does… same friend today exploded at me for “mentioning someone repeatedly” when literally every other friend in the group had mentioned the same person in a worse way then I had but noooo I was the one at fault!

And, the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae, the piece de resistance, the friend sitting next to me leans over and whispers “they’re funny when they’re mad” which just so happened to be just the exact thing that got me into this mess in the first place! So ofc it’s fine when she says it but me? apparently not!

and so ofc when I went basically nonvocal for the rest of the day to keep from getting even more hurt then I already was, the only person who had the heart to ask “hey bro are you ok” was some random person at my science table group!

I’m such a failure lol…

my grades are perfection, them being:

B

A
B
A
IE
C-

because ofc I have the memory of a leaky colander and I keep. on. fracking. forgetting to ask the teacher about the dumb interview!!

I feel like I’m slipping… why? I have no clue… but I feel like life has kept chugging along it’s lil western-themed hootin and hollerin yeehaw steam track while I’ve been left in the dust and tumbleweeds coughing and trying to figure out where the heck it’s going

nothing I used to enjoy really makes me happy much anymore… not orchestra, the constant stressor of missing practice assignments and rushed skills checks getting me a bad grade…

not programming after… the incident

not cooking/baking as I’m so darn depressed these days and add that on top of my already bad memory and I end up mixing the sugar in /after/ the dough is already made…

not drama as the school is so darn new no one knows what they’re doing and I’m not allowed to play with the tech… plus most of the cast hates me

escapism is the only thing I have left, it’s the only thing I find joy… no the only thing I find not emptiness in

it’s a struggle to want to get out of bed lol

and the intrusive thoughts don’t even get me started

I hate the football kids, true, but that doesn’t mean I would ever wish upon them what flashes through my brain

the constant whispers of self-doubt and loathing are probably going to drive me insane if they haven’t already

my brain is like a computer, I have 20 tabs open at once, can’t tell where the music is coming from and there’s pop ups everywhere

like what’s the point of even trying at this stage

I’ve seen the cycle I know how this story ends

sure, life’s like a roller coaster, it has it’s ups and downs

but it’s a roller coaster you can never get off of

so, after awhile, everything begins to look the same, becoming bored and not caring if you’re up or down because you’ve done it a thousand times before…

I’m starting to become apathetic and that’s what scares me the most, I think

I used to be so sensitive and now I just feel… cold and hard and echo-ey inside

like whatever personality living inside my brain up and moved out, taking all of the furniture and decor with it, leaving me with only a maze of concrete walls

why should I even do anything? I know what’s gonna happen! Why go through the effort of choosing a path when they both lead right back to where you are right now?

and the people… I am not a fan of people

the single-celled footballers who seem to operate under a hive mind of “let’s make the most disruption and try and be funny to show off to my friends while completely disregarding other’s opinions, comfort and views”

I’m not saying all of them are the stereotype, but… I have yet to meet one who isn’t

people drain my batteries so quickly I’m just… I’m so done with people

constantly having to navigate an ever-changing landscape of contridictory rules that everyone seems to understand but me

constantly filtering myself based on who I’m with

and if I don’t know them well enough, just not talking at all

like how was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to talk about that one person, how was I supposed to know you hitting me in the face multiple times with a lunchbox wasn’t playful teasing but instead seriousness when you make no differentiation!? why does everyone else get to say things and have people just accept it as normal but when I say the same thing everyone seems to react as if I’ve summoned a demon or something…

ughghghg I hate myself so much that I can’t put it into words…

I want to lock myself in a box, at least then people won’t get mad at me for doing something apparently wrong, and then I can’t do any more crap that my brain can blackmail me with

am I not allowed to think people act/look cute without actually feeling any sort of romatic attraction to them!?

apparently not because this society shuns any form of attraction that doesn’t fall in the binary! dang americans and their binaries always scREWIN EVERYTHING UP-

I want to dig my nails into my forehead and claw at it to get the thoughts out, until it bleeds so that I can finally feel something, anything other then emotional pain I don’t care that it will hurt I don’t care that it will scab I don’t care that everyone only seem to care about me and notice my pain when they see the aftermath I deserve pain and suffering and maybe if I absorb enough of it like a depressed sponge the people I actually care about will be happy

I mean you know what they say right “talk less smile more/ don’t let them know whether you’re against or whether you’re for” so it would stand to reason the great and wise words of Lin-Manuel Miranda circa 2020 would still be applicable now, right!?

maybe that’s why people make me so tired

I put up a mask to hide that I’m hurting because I don’t want them to worry…

and then question why they don’t see my pain

it’s because I’m an idiot that’s why if they were real friends I shouldn’t have to feel uncomfy showing them what I’m actually feeling but I do so I can’t because these friends have a wonderfully consistent track record of… I believe the term is “giving zero fox” about whether I am hurting or not

and the more I reveal the more of my true self I put out there and the more of the “real me” they see the less they want to remain associated with me… cuz I’m a liar and a fraud and no one actually cares about me… they would all happily backstab me, I’ve seen it play out a million times before like I’m stuck in some kind of time loop that I can never escape from

I belive the term was “backstabbing gaslighting manipulative lying b**ch”, as elloquently put by my “friend.”

…he was, ironically, still one of the best people I have had in my life

gahghaghgahgha I’m an idiot

I’m stupid

or in the beautifully-put words of Mean Girls “smart with math but stupid with love” because I can’t understand this magical force for the life of me! Like who in their right mind sees a person and goes “ah they look very nice today I think I fancy spending the rest of my life with them… maybe I’ll ask them to talk with me over some warm tea and crumpets while I’m at it, really make it clear that I’m chuffed to bits with them!” and then the moment they actually get what they want they go all red and can’t talk… either I have social anxiety or I fall in love with everyone because I get butterflies in my stomach introducing myself to someone, thinking “please say they don’t hate me please say they want to talk to me please tell me I didn’t muster up the courage to ask them a question for nothing please tell me they wanna be my friend”

I just…

I’m so tired

I’m so done with everything

I’m done with life having a laugh at me while I fumble about trying to get my bearings

I wanna escape the planet into a world where things go right and everyone’s not evil and people actually care about the people they call their “friend”

I wanna go back to when I was a child and live there forever

I think I might still be a child at heart

I wanna finally focus on a hyperfixation for more than like two months and actually finish something for once

I want my life to mean something

and I don’t wanna be the “lad with hundreds of projects who’s gone bankrupt trying to pursue all of them at once”

lets be honest with ourselves here I’m not ready to go out into society and function

I wanna let someone else take over my brain for awhile and hide inside myself and just be /me/

without people judging every word I say

with people who will laugh along with me as we both realize what I just said might not have made the most sense, but we laugh because we know no one else will understand

I don’t know what I want…

I don’t want love…

I want to be loved

for simply me

not for my personality or my appearance

I just wanna be

asdgfijfsodkf this is all stupid what am I talking about

I don’t deserve to be happy

it doesn’t matter what I want

I don’t need to be happy

as long as the people who I care about are happy… that’s all that matters

cuz I have nothing, really

they’re all better artists, better musicians, better everythings

they deserve the world

and if I can’t give them that then…

I can at least give them better friends

because they don’t deserve to have to worry about me, I’m just deadweight

a waste of oxygen and space

I will never amount to anything

but if I can make them happy

see the smile on their face, the twinkle in their eye

that’s all I really need

and they deserve to have so much more then they do…

all I wish is that I could give them it

and to any of them who might be reading this:

I’m sorry

…for everything

… thank you for putting up with all my bullcrap for so long if you read this far…

thank you

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Hey Robyn, it’s been a little while! Great to hear from you, and I’m sorry it’s not with better circumstances.

Did you want to talk a bit about why you’re feeling you don’t like the Instagram posts? Was it perhaps overwhelming with so many coming through?
I know it was a lot going on in a very short period of time, but I do also hope that the people who were posting also had some hope and support sharing their stories too.

I’m sorry that your lanyard got torn, that is so frustrating. I know the feeling of being clumsy, sounds like perhaps there’s a bit more going on that contributes to that. You mentioned disassociation and having sensory problems, so I don’t know if it’s fair to just blame yourself for being clumsy.

It’s really frustrating when someone takes what you say the wrong way, but then expresses the exact same thought. Were you at all able to voice that you had said the exact thing and felt like people shut you down for it?
I’m sorry your friends didn’t note that you weren’t feeling okay. I’m glad that some did notice and ask. Sometimes even people we are closest to don’t realise even when we feel it’s very obvious that we aren’t okay.
A lot of times at school, people are still very inward focused because they’re taught to be and their world and experiences are only so limited.
Some people are more perceptive than others, which it sounds like this nice stranger was.

Sometimes when we are in the midst of a mental health battle our mind isn’t wanting to focus too much on everything else because it’s already so overwhelmed trying to hold it’s own against all the emotions and thoughts. Participating in the world around us just feels like another thing it has to get through.
That’s not to say that life will be eternally joyless, sometimes even switching up the routine can create moments of relief from the overwhelming stimulation. And doing so for fun and not because it’s an extracurricular activity or is going to be graded or is going to take a lot of hours of practice so that it cl becomes a chore.

People can be very draining. Especially people who are more boisterous. Some of these people grow up and mellow out and learn about the world and others around them. Some of them don’t, but that’s their journey and I’m not here to judge them.
Some of them may not understand what various struggles are because they haven’t had to experience them and so it’s harder for them to have that understanding and awareness.

I don’t miss this stage of life either. I know it’s frustrating because people like to tease and they think that falling in love with their school crush is going to be the ultimate love story.
It’s disturbing how even parents when they’re children are babies or toddlers even play into it with “awhhh look, is that you’re little girlfriend/boyfriend”.
It’s an ingrained learning that people don’t even realise. Luckily there are people out there who are comfortable expressing those sentiments in a friendship way without expectations and without the teasing.

Why do you feel you are a liar and a fraud? Is it because of you hiding your feelings or is there more to it?
Sometimes when we try to handle our own problems and emotions it just becomes more and more built up. It creates this pressure cooker situation that explodes in those moments were friends and family get the effects of it without understanding why.
You’re right saying that friends should want to comfort and be there for each other, sometimes we also have to rely on someone more qualified to handle the bigger side of mental health.
Maybe they’re struggling to know how to help and they’re also having their own thoughts they’re fighting with, who knows.
It can take some time to find out who people want to really be and to find out how their actions and words affect others. People have learning and growing to go through. I do hope that they grow from the behaviours that are unpleasant. That’s not a reflection on you though. People are responsible for how they conduct themselves.

You know what? I can guarantee that you are not the only person to feel this way.
I also see people that I just want to talk to or make friends with or want to compliment on something, but I also get very nervous. I know that in your head the voice tells you that they’re going to hate you, but isn’t that in a way placing pressure and judgement on them? They haven’t had the chance to be allowed to get to know you. But that nervous or anxious feeling can be very hard to manage to work around too. Sometimes it’s the little things that help build up that confidence. Like “hi, I like your shoes”. Not only does it help build your confidence, but sometimes those little things create a happy moment for others too!

You do deserve to be loved and to be happy. And who cares if someone does something better than you, if you enjoy and love doing it, then let yourself have that. There’s always going to be someone to compare to. I’m sure even the great artists and musicians of years gone by have those very same struggles and thoughts. Living for others expectations isn’t living.
To truely love and value yourself is a skill everyone is trying to work through, and I don’t know if it’s 100% possible, but it’s worth the journey. It’s worth the happiness. It’s worth being able to look back and be proud of yourself for all you’ve come through.
So maybe it’s time for you to be a bit kinder to yourself and find someone who can really help you with getting out of this moment you’ve been trapped in.

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It’s great to be back :3 except for the aforementioned instagram topics, they were kind overwhelming and scary and I hate change… other than that I’m happy to see everyone again lol

Oh no I am clumsy normally but you’re right tho that didn’t help… and the dissociation is just… weird I can still move and do stuff normally it just feels… hazy and weird

I tried to say something about it but then I got talked over and ignored so I just left it alone lol

Good idea but I don’t do well with change ^^”

Hhh ok this came out more judgemental and angry then I wanted… I wasn’t upset at the people necessarily but more at how they act…

Because people always seem to see good qualities in me that I can’t see in myself but I just go along with it and when I actually show ppl my real self they abandon me

And that’s normally why I don’t go to ppl for help, I don’t wanna bother them with my problems if they’re also struggling

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Hey,
I read your post and…
I understand and get a lot of what you’re saying.
I struggle with a TREMENDOUS amount of PTSD and anxiety that have to do with social activity so I don’t really have a lot of friends either that I feel like I can stick to or prove how I want to be with them.
People can hurt, there’s no doubt about that.
But what you feel about it and how you take it… that’s what changes everything.
I know how you feel and I know how hard it is, I used to think just like you did… but I stopped taking what people said at heart and I kept my thoughts saying,
“What worth am I to myself?”
“How can I make myself better; not for people but for me?”

I still can’t love as well as I used to because of things that happened in the past but let me tell you, it gets better. As long as you try and don’t shut yourself down… don’t isolate yourself from the world and don’t think everyone will hate you because, from what I read, you sound soooo smart and funny and precious. You’re someone who is strong to go through all of this all you have to do is breathe… have some grace for yourself and it will get better, I promise.

Love.

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Thank you :3

… I don’t really have any worth to myself tho

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Hmm yeah, I understand. You could start by just being easier with yourself and get rid of all those toxic people in your life, I know that’s change and you don’t like that but I think something has to change for things to get better, yk?

Love you though, you’re definitely not alone. :slight_smile:

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I actually have gotten rid of most of my toxic people around me… but ig I can work on being nicer to myself