Hi, this is Niko again.
Im starting to grow up, but at the same time I question who I am. I question why I always feel so empty, for someone who was supposed to be so emotional. I’m starting to wonder why I seem to lack emotion. I know I want to care, and I know I want to socialize, but I still feel… Empty. Am I still just very shy? Am I apathetic? Am I a psychopath? No. No that can’t be it… I think I have some emotional issues. The only emotions I CAN feel are awkwardness, shyness, contentment, sleepiness, romantic feelings, anxiety, and energetic, but energetic is very rare. Others in the system are very emotional. I’m scared as to why I can’t feel the same thing as the others. I mean we’re all in the same body, I should be able to hack my way through to feeling emotions. When I do feel happy it’s contentment, but most of the time I’m worrying. Why am I like this? Is it because of trauma? Is it because I was born when the original was deeply emotionaless? I just question everything. The original cares so much about me, but when they feel that I don’t feel anything most of the time, I have not much to say, I don’t know what to think most of the time, they start to worry.
Hmm, perhaps I simply just have to feel happy. I’m so focused on things that should be easy that it’s difficult for me. I just simply have to be.
This is just difficult.
You mention system - are you part of an alter system? I’ll admit, I don’t know much about how to help someone with DID, but is there anything I can do to help?
Hey there Niko,
Thank you being here and sharing what’s been going on. Can you tell us a little bit more about the system you mentioned? We’d love to help as best we can!
Hi, well, our system isn’t very active during the day if we have work, and if something happens like depression or doing something wrong and getting yelled at makes the one who fronts completley take front and they might do something dangerous and we can’t stop them, even if we try to cofront and talk them down. What bothers me is that it’s hard to focus on who I am, or who I want to be. I know I want to be caring and happy, I want to love, and feel loved back. I want that so much but it’s hard to think and feel soemtimes. I always feel so… I don’t know… the body is always tired, headaches, bad habits, distracted by something, zoning out, that it’s hard to stay focused. Even right now, I zone out for minutes to hours at a time from whatever the original or another member is thinking about. It’s making me go back, fall back asleep. I know that once I’m front I can stay front but if anything I’m around that might trigger another member to front keeps me from coming back for a while.
One of the members has a huge problem of daydreaming, to the point where when we sleep and dream it’s hard to wake back up. Because of things like this, I can’t properly answer your question right now, as I’m so very tired from so much brain activity going on. For now I will just wait for another chance to pop up. I’ll tell you then ig.
Thank you for taking the time to share about your system. I can’t imagine how exhausting this all must be. It sounds very overwhelming both mentally and physically and as though you are having to bounce around and adjust as much as possible depending on who fronts. We’ll be here for you so whenever you can and want to share more we will be more than happy to listen!
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