Idk how much longer i can take all of this lol

hi i have no idea what this website is i found it while googling stuff and idk i just need a place to rant rn cuz my life is absolute shit and i dont see any way out other than yknow-

this is probably gonna be long i just want to get everything off my chest and talk about things without being judged, i dont even expect anyone to reply or read all of it.

basically- my dad died a few weeks ago, i cant remember what day, but probably end of january, ive just been on autopilot ever since. i sleep 12+ hours, wake up at night, do whatever to distract myself and go back to sleep once i hear my mom & her boyfriend wake up.
i actually got to meet my dad a few days before he died cuz we celebrated christmas and new years eve together.

me and my dad used to have a really- complicated? relationship.
me, my mom & my dad used to live together until i was 5, he then had to live and work in switzerland because of financial issues. i dont remember what its like living with him. that made me realize that i pretty much grew up without a father figure. i never thought that this was actually the case for me, because you know- my dad was still there. even if i only got to meet him- if i was lucky- 4 times a year for a few days, i never realized that a father figure has been absent for most of my life. it makes me really sad. it never has before, only until recently. i was so used to living like that.

my dad struggled with depression and became an alcoholic when i was in 5th grade. i was around 11? anyways, i used to be so angry at him & hated him. i thought everything was his fault. but now looking back at it, it surprisingly wasnt. it was my moms.
when he visited us sometimes, he always got drunk to the point of passing out, peeing himself, unable to prepare food, etc. thats when my mom drove to her boyfriend leaving me alone with my dad who is incapable of taking care of me in this state, because- i dont know? she was really annoyed or angry by it? maybe didnt know how to handle the situation? im not sure. she would leave me money and tell me to call the cops if it gets really bad with him.
and it did get really bad. i didnt go to school for days because i was afraid he would kill our dog while i was gone. i had to buy food myself and prepare it for both of us once he got a little sober. he took me to the gas station by car so i can help him buy more alcohol. i locked myself inside my room with my dog and waited until my mom came back & my dad left.
one day i decided to take away his bottles of beer and poured them down the sink. he was so drunk that he was lying on the floor sleeping in his own piss, so he didnt notice at first, but started calling my name and banging on my door once he realized they were gone. i got scared and called the police. they came to our house, asked if he touched me or anything, i said he didnt, they said he was only “slightly drunk”, asked me if i want to stay at my aunts place, i said no & they just left. these kinda things happened for 2 years i think, i honestly cant remember anything else besides that, my mind blocked out most of it.

i always blamed my dad for all of this. but he was just sad and depressed. he used to tell me how much he wants to commit suicide and how hopeless he feels, but didnt because he needs to be there for me, if not physically/emotionally, at least financially. i forgave him after a year for everything, he started to change and got better, never touched alcohol again, not even on christmas or new years eve haha. it made me happy. so happy. we got really close, but i could never admit that i was actually doing quite bad.

what happened makes me hate my mom more and more tho. she shouldnt be a mother. she has been neglecting me ever since i remember. the old house where we used to live in is completely trashed. rotten food, trash everywhere. the floor was cleaned maybe once every 2 or 3 months, toilets and bathroom maybe twice a year. it was disgusting. but it was normal to me. it was dark in the house, blinds always down because she was embarrassed of all the chaos, but never did anything about it.

ive never been to the dentist my whole life, my teeth are completely fucked. last time i visited a doctor was years ago. they told me i have scoliosis among other problems, prescripted me physiotherapy and recommended a place, but my mom never drove me there. doctors said i might have ptsd from the stuff w my dad (which most likely isnt true, i dont have any flashbacks etc and i think im pretty much over it), told my mom to make an appointment at a therapists, she never did. and she still doesnt care about my health. not at all. ive been telling her for years to make an appointment at the dentists, she lies to me telling me she will do it tomorrow or says i have an appointment in two weeks and then when that day arrives, she either “forgot”, has to do something more important or “they called and cancelled the appointment for whatever reason she can think of”. im so sick of it. i wish i would know why. why she just lets me rot. and its not like she cant make any appointments- just recently she made one for my septum piercing. my whole body hurts. scoliosis got worse and is affecting my rips, my eyesight is rapidly declining- i cant see shit, and my overall mental health is fucked. but nothing is worthy getting checked out as long as its not as bad as hers. oh she has worse eyesight than i do? then its not bad. i have constant back pain that isnt too bad but still hurts? its not as bad as her really extreme back pain she gets maybe once a year for a week. i also noticed a mole on my body that looks like a melanoma, told her and she says its normal. im sorry to everyone that suffers of cancer but honestly, it would be the best thing ever happening to me. i get to spend my last days without any worries because fuck everything and then die. i wouldnt have to kill myself after all.
my dad tried to arrange appointments for me but its hard to do that if he’s never here.

also in 7th grade i missed over 70 days because i absolutely hated school, still do, but back then i had no friends and the teachers and all their expectations scared me so much. i locked myself inside my room, pretended to be sick, abused medicine i hoarded and even overdosed once when i had a breakdown in the morning to prevent going to school. i secretly hoped theyd maybe get me to the hospital if i pass out there, but i got scared once i felt it kicking in and told my mom that i took like 11 pills after all, so she just made me vomit and let me sleep.

because of my many absences, my mom had to pay a 1000€ fine and my school & cps got involved. my mom blamed me for all of it. even for problems that have nothing to do with me. cps came over like every 2 weeks, so the house finally stayed somewhat clean.
they wanted to take me away because obviously my mom cant take care of me and honestly- thinking bout it now, it probably wouldve been for the better. but back then i stayed silent and lied, pretending to be doing well to protect my mom. in school they called me to the principals office multiple times and i had to talk to some woman. i talked about how i got no friends n stuff, how i hated it here and she came to the conclusion that i might have an ED??? LMFAO LIKE WHAT- THAT DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE SGAGSHGSJHSJHAHA. another teacher tried talking to me too and they said i have no friends because i talk to quietly and they cant hear me. ISTG TEACEHRS R SOMETHING ELSE. at least they tried, i guess- LMFAO. anyways, the principal was actually a really sweet guy. he said if i ever need anything or if it gets bad at home i can just send him a message and he will pick me up, even celebrate christmas together with his family. that was the nicest thing i had heard in so long.

but yeah, we moved away to my moms boyfriend and it was pretty nice at first, but i feel just as depressed as i used to, even if i got somewhat friends, i guess. but we arent close- we never text and only ever talk about school related stuff. i dont mind tho, i dont have any energy left to put efforts into friendship anymore. i used to be so terribly scared of being alone, now i prefer it. i dont ever want to depend on anyone again, especially not on someone that isnt able to handle the responsibility that comes with it. like my mom. but at the same time, there is nothing more i want than someone i can depend on, someone that can take proper care of me, someone who is there for me. damn my daddy issues rlly showing rn LMFAO. but yeah, there isnt anyone like that in my life. i feel kind of lonely.

i cant wait till im 18 so i can just live on my own, depending only on myself. but right now i cant even see that happening. im failing school because i simply cannot function anymore & everything is repeating itself again. when i try to reach out it will just end up with cps and my mom getting angry at me. i know i have the ability to ruin her life since medical neglect is a serious crime & my body can prove that she doesnt take proper care of me, but i dont want that to happen. i just want my mom to live her fairy tale romance life with her boyfriend while i just disappear, living my own life, never depending on her again.

i actually planned to tell my dad that i want to live with him in december, but i didnt have the courage to after all and now he is just mf dead lol. maybe he wouldnt have died if i told him. we dont know why he died, he just did. i mean he, was in really bad condition and i told him multiple times to visit a doctor, but he refused to because he was scared of a diagnosis lmfao. that dumbass rather died than getting a diagnosis. but like- what am i supposed to do now? even tho my dad was never there, it felt good knowing there is always somewhere i could escape to. i know he wouldve taken proper care of me and i wouldve been able to live somewhat normal. now that he is gone, i just feel stuck. i dont know what to do anymore. my only way out is getting a good degree and get a decent job, but i am very behind in school and dont have the energy to keep up. and im only in 9th grade, so 3 more years until i finish school and until im 18. im not sure i can hang on that long tbh. rn im just hoping that weird mole turns out to be a melanoma and kills me so i dont have to do it myself lmfao.

yeah anyways thanks for reading if u actually did, go spend ur time on something more important!

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Hi… um… Nice to meet you…

heh hi-
im sorry for that long ass text i just have no other place to talk about this

There’s no reason to be sorry.

stipidcliche,

I’m glad you found your way here while googling. I’m really sorry about your Dad. When my Dad died, it didn’t feel real either, either that or I didn’t, I’m not sure which.
You’ve got a lot going on, that’s a fact. Try to give yourself a bit of space right now, with so much happening, it may take some time to sort through your feelings about your loss. I’m sure if you’d told your Dad you wanted to live with him, it wouldn’t have changed anything, your Dad must have been ill and I’m sure his illness overtook him, not your plans.
You’re in a position where it seems you’re pretty much on your own. Being independent, and being alone are different. Independence may be forced on you, because of your mom, but being alone is different. Like you’ve done here, keep reaching out, there are many options online now, if local is too hard.
I’ve heard exercise is good for someone with scoliosis, so maybe looking into that, or see if there are support groups in your area. You’re facing a lot, no doubt, but isolating is not the solution, try to make connections with others when and where you can. Be kind to yourself, as you struggle to deal with all these issues. The events of your life, are NOT your life, you are much more than what takes place around you. Peace

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