Idk if Xaii is just vanishing again or he won't come back

Hi, this is Niko here. I was telling Xaii about how maybe he should let things go and be at peace. He struggled with the idea for a bit but then decided to take me up on the offer. I didn’t know the way he was seeing it was differently but, not only did he let it go but he let himself go. He said “okay, fine.” And said how he would let it go and just be at peace. But then he said “Then this is your world now.” Then said goodbye and vanished. I don’t think he’ll be gone forever, but everyone is worried now because they just found out and some are really upset, but I’m trying to hold on to front and not let them bring him back. They’re saying I’m trying to kill him and I don’t care, but to me he’s killing himself? Am I helping him kill himself? I mean he doesn’t want to be here anymore. He’s tired, he wants peace. And I though to him peace meant just letting go of the past so he won’t be afraid and angry anymore, but to him apparently it meant him too. I’m sure he’ll be back, since everyone is so adamant on him being here and you can’t exactly kill an alter. But the truth is peace is not existing to him, so what do I do?

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Hi Niko,

Maye peace to him is taking a much needed tropical paradise holiday? The idea of letting go and being at peace must have been such a different and new thing for him, maybe he is still there, but readjusting?

It doesn’t sounded like he’s hurting, would one of you would have felt it or known? (This is an assumption, please correct me if i’m wrong here)
How would growth and peace look to Xaii? Maybe this is that? If you all needed it, he’d be there for you still? Maybe it’s not killing an alter, but giving him enough power that he can finally rest? Could it be a sign of his healing, the system healing?

This is just my take, looking on from the outside. But we all care about each of you and about the System as a whole.

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I’m not sure. It felt less like him going to the back or inner world and more like his prescence vanished like something in us dissapeared. We can usually bring it back by repeating things he’d do to force him to come back, because usually you can’t just vanish, and yea he does front alot and usually doesn’t let go for our sake.
I just feel like I’m a bit at fault, sometimes I get a little annoyed because he has alot of issues and we just kinda wanna chill or be productive and he’s always stressed, and he just does it because he can’t help it. That’s why he wants to vanish, but I don’t want him to think it’s annoying and I guess he already feels he’s being annoying. I feel bad thinking maybe it’s for the better. I don’t want him to mentally die, but I do want him to give himself a break. I have the trouble being connected with emotions and I’m more of like, attitude person. I’m happy and energetic but I don’t feel connected as much as others do. So I don’t like that I’m not worried like them. I don’t know why I’m like this…

Well, when he’s usually talks about it, growth and peace is about facing things and learning from them. I really don’t know. He doesn’t really let me in as much as he does with everyone else. I don’t like that either.

I hope it’s just rest and not, permanant rest. I could tell him letting himself stop existing he felt at peace, but I don’t know if it’s just a break or not.

This system can’t function without him, he’s a protector, trauma holder but also protector. While we may be more productive without him around as much, we don’t know how to do other things without him. It’s like being a stranger to your own body and world.

It seems the body left its own uncounscious instructions, but it’s kinda scary without him

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He was there for a reason, and a strong and dependable protector. Maybe he is really taking a rest. You each have different things you’re strongest at, so it’s okay that you’re not as emotional. This way you are able to talk to him too, right, when he was super stressed and stuff?

I’m hoping that he makes it know that he’s just hanging around in the back. Hoping it all turns out good for the System.

Is there anyone who you can talk to, whose used to dealing with the System and the diff alters?

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But why, why is it harder for me to feel sympathy than others? Am I like Mori? Moris bad and hurts people. I don’t want to hurt people I want them to be happy, but when they’re sad I can’t exactly process the sight of them being sad in my head. Like I see it but then it suddenly stops and blocks out.
I do remember being present with Xaii when he tried kill himself many times, self harm, stuff like that, I don’t want to say I’m desensitized, and I don’t want to be, I like people and I like them being happy, but when they’re sad everything start becoming foggy and faded like the brain doesn’t know how to react for me. But I have seen alot. So maybe I’m used to it? But ever since that time he’s never let me talk to him when he was depressed because he felt really bad about that. Alot of things are foggy and I don’t know how to fix it, I’m jealous that xaiis such a high empath and I can only be one sort of empathetic and I don’t even understand it.

Well I know he wouldn’t just abandon this community, he cares about people way to much to just vanish. He seems to take it as his responsibility to help people. Even when it hurts him he does it. He’ll constantly keep uncouscious tabs on people’s problems and see if there’s a way he can help. He takes it seriously so of he messes up he’s afraid to help again. Maybe it can help bring him back, but I don’t want him to let go, dissapear, and only come back because of fear or sadness. That’s the whole reason he’s tired of being here
So I’m sure if someone comes by with an issue he might come back… But then again he would want us to learn how to talk to people ourselves. Make our own connections. Maybe it’s time for me to start doing that.

When I was a bit younger he’d sometimes tell me he was teaching me how the world worked so I could take his place one day but then deny thinking it. I think because of that he also didn’t let me see him anymore when he was depressed. Maybe so I could have a blank slate? Maybe thoughtforms don’t have to exist as long as the body does? The middle ground for tolerating living in a body a new person can take it’s place? But it doesn’t change the fact that I will remember, he can repress it unconsciously but when no ones around I can access it. But he thinks vanishing may help with forgetting.

We do have a community, but something happened and Xaii kicked himself out because he felt terrible it’s a long story but it wasn’t bad at all he just feels really bad when he makes a mistake. But he rejoined last night and told us to do what we want, but he wouldn’t be talking there anymore.

I’m sure he’ll be back, Nagi is gonna try to get him to just hang out in inner world with him for now, but right now he isn’t exactly responding.

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about his part – hello :smiley:

i hope that he is taking this time to grow and get stronger, I know that things were a bit rough for him and he was tired, so hoping it all turns out for the best when next he shows up.

You’re each different, and we’re glad to have you all here, supporting and encouraging us all. Looking forward to updates on this to see how he’s doing, how you’re doing, and how the System is doing generally as well.

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Well, I’m back, and I’m not happy about it. I hate being here. Something bad always happens and I don’t want to be apart of it. I hate that I end up fronting even when I don’t want to. I’m tired of living and that isn’t going to help anyone here whether it’s in the system or out. Tired of harassment tired fears, tired of memories I’m tired of the flashbacks I’m tired of being alone, and I’m tired of existing because of all of this. I just want to die. Letting go may help for a bit and I’ll dissapear but Ig I’ll have to try harder if I can vanish compeltley. Got to stop thinking it’s all my responsibility. Die peacefully. I just want to vanish again, but they keep bringing me back.

If none of that had ever happened, if they had never drugged me as a kid, if I had not talked to anyone. If I had just not talked to anyone until I was an adult, things would be so much better.

-X

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hey X,

As the protector, it must be tiring to always be ‘on’. Does the letting go give you any sort of relief from all this?

You endured so much, and still protect them all from the trauma and memories and that is more than what many of us could even imagine. You survived so much, and you’re still daily battling it, to keep everyone else safe. Those who hurt you are the worst of all, and it sucks to think how much of that pain you still carry.

You survived it, and you were innocent and not responsible for anything that happened.

Thanks for being here with us.

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Temporary relief, I can only vanish and let go for so long until something happens again and the brain makes me front because it’s always supposed to be my job. I’m so tired of it though. I just want to vanish again, go back into the void. But, what I really want. If I could have anything, just one thing, it’d be a friend. Not someone in the system I have to take care of or can’t even hangout with irl, not some freak with ulterior motives. Not someone who will eventually leave, I’m so tired of people leaving. I’m so tired of having to constantly keep tabs and make sure they indeed don’t plan on hurting us, because they make it so difficult. They will literally tell you “no, I have no intention of hurting you” act real sweet and innocent, and when you least expect it they use it to attack you. I’m tired of not being able to trust people but then again it’s part of the job if you want to stay safe, because most people truly do have ulterior motives. I wish I could just find kind people like you guys, people that treat me how I treat them, but, it’s kinda impossible nowadays. So, I have no choice but to vanish. And I’ll keep vanishing until one day I won’t come back.

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oh friend, I hear this to my core and I feel it. Having one true friend can be all we need. I know it’s extra hard for you because you have literally met the worst of people, and it’s your job to also be on guard around new ones. There are good folks out there, but sometimes they aren’t close by geographically to where we are.

My hope for you is that you can get to a better physical place, with kinder folks around, a safer place where you can truly meet someone kind. We all really care about you but I totally get the wanting a real friend outside the system to see you and just to hang out with, without worries.

I truly hope that someday you can find that one happy place where you c an rest and relax for reals. Until there, you got us! :smiley:

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Hi friend :slightly_smiling_face:
I am sorry you are feeling so bad. It must be hard to be the front of the system. The resposibility and anxiety that comes with it.

Wow you must feel very lonely :disappointed: I wish you had a good irl friend. I have friends altho I have much bigger understanding with people here. Nico told me something similar. That they wish for a friend. I think you are both lonely. I hope that at least our chats can make you feel less lonely at least a little bit.

The people here are really great arent they. :slightly_smiling_face: I wish I could meet some on of them irl including you. I like chatting with you and I like that you are a compassionate and caring person. A complex person but I would consider that a positive :wink:. Even tho we have never met I consider you my friend and if you would dissapier I would lose a friend and I dont want to lose you. It is selfish of me I know and I understand that you want peace from all of this but please try to hang in there. I would love for you to be happy and healthy and to have great friends. I would love to see you smile :slightly_smiling_face:.

Ps: Have you finished the art piece you have send me a while ago? It was pretty good honestly and I would love to see how the final version looks like. :slightly_smiling_face: No pressure tho. If you dont want to show me that is fine. :upside_down_face:

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Idk, I can’t take it. I never get a break. From people, from these memories. When I even think I’m in a place where I can feel a bit better the memories start back up again and I can’t control it. I’ll zone out and my adrenaline will go up, I’ll start imagining what I’d do to those people who hurt me and my heart will start racing and I’ll feel afraid, angry, and helpless. Every time I wake up I’ll wish I could have gone back to sleep. The memories are too scary and I feel like I’m not safe anywhere. I hate living like this.

My wish of having a good friend will never help me anyways. It won’t come true, and even if it did that doesn’t mean I can protect myself. Niko can’t have friends, I know he wants to but until we find someone safe to be around he’s just going to have to keep talking to the people in the inner world and with us. We are lonely but it’s not like something good is just going to magically happen and we will have friends we can trust. So we are going to have to just put up with this.

These people are great, and I wish I could meet them too, but it’s also dangerous. Not that you guys are dangerous, but the people I’ve mentioned before who lurked here. I’m already putting myself in a potential unsafe situation by opening up here, sharing information about myself that isn’t anyones buisness. But it’s kinda too late to care now.
I know it’s dumb but I hate that I can’t talk with you guys more, I like talking to you guys, and you guys are my friends, and I would like to talk more but it’s just scary for me.
I’m trying to hang on, I’m honestly pretty okay until the memories hit. I just want to forget them. If it weren’t for these memories I wouldnt be afraid and depressed all the time. I just want something that can give me a deep state of amnesia so I can just vanish and start over. But then again I’m mainly the only one I the system with these memories, so making everyone else go through my shit isn’t right.

I actually haven’t finished, I got disctracted by other art projects and life, and a little discouraged so I took a break. It’s honestly so much easier to do art traditionally rather than digitally. I have so many ideas in my head I would love to put to paper but it would take forever, and I hate when things take forever.
-X

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You mean much to me. I would love to be your friend irl. You dont deserve this. Any of it. Those memories you have… I am sorry you have to put up with them and I am sorry that you have met such shitty people who have created these memories. (Fuck them, fuck them, Fuck them). You are a beautiful creative caring person. Even after all you have been through and all the damage done on you all the betrayls and lies and broken promises you are still such a great person. I admire you friend :slightly_smiling_face: :heart: .

I know you dont feel safe and you have good reasons for it (those people you have talked about seem pretty fucked up). I literally wish I could beat the shit out of those people. (. ok so where were we… oh yeah a bunch of shitheads that did bad things to you and you dont feel safe. can you limit the contact with the people to a bare minimum. I dont know if that is possible but any form of distance is good. The more barriers between them and you the better.

when ever you feel like talking DM me or other people. Only you and the person can read those. :slightly_smiling_face:
I am sorry you have to go through so much stuff. I am honestly worried about you. Not knowing mostly what happened to you with those people triggers my imagination and if it is at least half as bad… oh I am sorry. These things should not have happened to you. You are strong so strong, stronger than me definitely. You can win this fight I believe it. I am here when ever you need to talk ok. i want to to feel better. :heart:

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Thank you.
I have a feeling I won’t be able to avoid them when it comes down to it, so I think the best thing I could ever do is act the opposite of how I am. Maybe be a bit more dickish, pretend to be a boring uncaring person, and if someone tries to talk to me I deny even wanting to be around them. Just be a complete bore to people and they will stop taking interests in me. For some reason the think I’m, “Not like other people.” And whatever that means, I will find a way to hide it.

There are many things I wish I could do as well. But thinking about it will make me go insane. I’m not even talking to people anymore. In a few days that might change though because I am looking for jobs, I’m just going to try my best not to talk, and if I do, to not share anything personal about myself.

Well, the things depending on the person are bad, and others isn’t bad but it’s creepy. I could tell you about it if you like in dms.

I’ll try to win, I’m just always so up and down and I gets to a point where I don’t want to do anything anymore. I don’t want to speak, I don’t want to eat, and most of all I don’t want to think. And when I get to that point and something triggers me I just start stabbing myself.

Sorry that got personal, but yea.
Thanks,
-X

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Well… I drew something, but it wasn’t what I showed you. It ended up being Mori. I don’t know what to think because I didn’t know I was drawing them until I did and I finished. Seems I’m only good at drawing when it’s impulsive and i have no idea what I’m doing.
X

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Hey x I’m not really familiar with u or your systems struggles seeing as I don’t have one but the way u talk reminds me of my dad always taking the heat from my mom for my mistakes or taking the hit to his reputation if I fucked up and I know the struggle of not wanting to live but I know your friends and mates would miss u even if you just vanished your a part of the foundation that makes all of you stronger I don’t know how it all works but maybe try to let ur walls down a little and try to step back when u need to a foundation only crumbles once the first pillar goes and well mate your a very important pillar in the foundation that is you -cristy

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I ask from a place of wanting to understand:

based on the way your system is, is there one person who deals with most of the happy stuff? Like, if when you’re fronting, lots of intense happy stuff happened, would you keep fronting or would another part come forward to help you handle all of that?

As the protector of the system, your role is so critical and important in keeping everyone safe. That’s the kind of strength a lot of us sometimes find hard to find.

And hopefully it’s not too weird for you to read this, but to me, it’s an honour to hear how you handle all of these things. Would love to see your art if you ever wanna share it. Digital art is so fascinating to look at.

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When I’m happy other members usually start fronting. But in certain situations It’ll only be me who’s staying front.

I would love to share my art, but at the same time I worry about sharing it publicly. I love sharing and talking about my art and other people’s art, and we love sharing the things we go through each day. I have a few drawings of things we do in the inner world; portraits, landscapes, scenes, one I’m working on rn that I’m thinking of sharing when I’m done. But every time I think of posting a drawing I stop myself and think about if it’s safe to share things so easily. Afterall showing a drawing of a headmate can be risky to our own privacy, and, as its my job is to protect us from this shitty world, I’ve told my brothers and myself that we can’t just go around sharing art of ourselves, or even talking too much about ourselves. Also another reason is whenever I end up drawing members like Mori, I can’t show people it because Mori is a very scary looking thing and could trigger them.
If you dm me about it though, I could have a better chance of thinking about it :+1:
It’s just hard trusting anything anymore, I have to be really careful and I’m trying not to make the same mistakes again. I’ve already come to terms with how much I have to share here for our health even with the risk of people irl not minding their own business. The best I can do is not let it go any further than it has. Which, also saddens me.

There’s so much I’d like to say but there’s a limit too how much you can open yourself up to people online in terms of struggles and things you do daily, ecspecially with the way the world is now, and I need to remember that.

Also, it’s not weird :slight_smile:
-X

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one of my favourite forms of the Divinity I believe is a supremely fierce warrior lady who does other things that would sound incredibly odd here if i described them.

I won’t be triggered by Mori, indeed I have a good reason to believe that he may look like my Goddess, when She is enraged and out to protect/destroy.

Since I believe that the Gods and Goddesses in my religion represent aspects of ourselves (ie we are Them, They are we), Mori being represented like this would make total sense. If you’re interested, i can send you a picture of her here so you can sort of see what I’m talking about. :smiley: :smiley:

edit to add: And I see the beauty in that fierceness. Mori has a role in your system, same as my Goddess in mine. Would love to see it!

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I also dont think I would be triggered. There is a dark part to all of us. The part we dont want to show ourselves because we are afraid they would run away or think we are monsters. But that part is not us it is a part of us. It is a part of us that is meant to hurt others yes but we are living in a world that is constantly trying to hurt us so the part exists to protect us. Mori exists because of all the bad stuff you have been through. If people had not hurt you Mori would not have a reason to hurt others. I wount run away or judge you if you show me how Mori looks like so dont be afraid ok. We are friends after all. :wink:

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