Idk somethin's wrong

My life was going all good , I was the centre of attention , all the popular guys wanted me…unless I just realised what I was really doing…due to my dad’s job we shift after every few years and I had to make new friends every new school I went to…it was always hard for me since I have never been a social butterfly…when I came here in my 6th standard…I knew it was time to get a bf or a crush…I decided to fake like the popular guy for attention…I started being rude to people I really liked…I made a very bad first impression to the people who I could have actually been great friends with… everything just shittied up…and it was all my fault… apparently there was someone for the rescue…the quiet girl of our class who was a great listener…I told her about my problems…so did she…but I didn’t really get her so I just pretented to…we made it official that we were besties…I loved spending time with her… telling her the most unnecessary details of the day or in general about my life…but there was always this voice Inside me screaming to break up with her…I seriously dk why but prolly commitment issues…so one day we just somehow came to this serious topic and I told her how much I hate her and broke up with her over text …that was the worst decision of my life. Now …she’s happy…with people around her…and what not…her life hasn’t changed much after me leaving but uk it just got a whole lot less shittier when she found some amazing friends who didn’t tell her how much they " hated" her…I to till this date dk why I broke up with her… movin on to the next thing…I started feeling super lonely…I just realised I don’t have any real friends to hang out with…my bday is coming up but no one is really there to celebrate it with me…even my family ditches me…I Just needed someone…I somehow connected to a classmate of mine…uk how there’s like a group of nerds in a class and they only talk about studies and that’s it… yea sadly she was part of that group… during this covid situation I just got close to her…or so I think so…but now that I realize she calls me a “bestfriend”…says she never wants to lose me…but I am not really comfy with her neither am i close to her…but ik if I leave her she’ll just spread rumours around and I’ll be disliked more than ever…I don’t know what to do with anything rn…I dont have any real friends…I always feel guilty for breaking up with a genuine friend I once had…and I seriously don’t know what’s wrong with me…I used to be an A grade student…now weeks to by and I don’t touch my books…before I used to listen to music every single second…these days Spotify is my most unused app…I dont enjoy the little things I found so fun to do back then…I don’t like doing anything…and also not to mention my anxiety…there’s still so much more I wanna talk about but I don’t think I shall…so here I end.

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I’m going to make some guesses here, so this could be all wrong, but here’s my thoughts…

It seems you feel the need to be liked by many, preferably the popular people around. That’s a perfectly normal thing to feel, but it’s also worth challenging because if those popular people aren’t the right people who you need in your life, there is no real benefit to befriending them. Just because theyre popular doesnt guarantee that you have the same values, that they will challenge you in healthy ways, that you both like the same tv shows, anything that will help u form a genuine and beneficial relationship. When we have these sort of relationships that dont fit our needs, we can be surrounded by people and still feel totally alone. In the time you had your less popular friends who met your needs better, the relationship was good, but you still wanted out of it. Maybe this is because of your desire to have popular friends?

I know it’s hard to go through when you’re in school, but I can tell you once that chapter is over, nobody’s popularity matters anymore. We are all just people, and we go find the people who fit us well and keep them in our lives. There’s no reason to wait until school is over to start connecting with those people you really need in your life instead of trying to balance connection vs popularity.

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