this is very hard for me to talk about, as only about 4 people know. a few weeks ago, i was raped by my best friend in my own home. i no longer talk to him but it’s still something i constantly think about. i have a boyfriend now and he knows. he’s super supportive and i love him for that. however, i had to go to the doctor as i was having some physical issues. my regular doctor recently left to start her own practice (which we were not informed of until we tried to schedule an appointment w her) and we had to schedule an appointment w a man. i’m uncomfortable enough exposing myself to a woman i already know, let alone a man i don’t know. i tried to calm myself down saying to myself that maybe i wouldn’t be examined, however that was not the case. (the next part might be a bit tmi but it’s important) i was told to undress from the waist down and immediately had to hold back tears. my mother and the nurse left the room while i did so and i started having a panic attack. the doctor came in and the first thing he said to me (keep in mind i have never met this man and he knows nothing about me or my past) was “look another doctor here to abuse you”. for obvious reasons that didn’t sit w me right. the examination started and tears started coming out of my eyes. i know it was for my health but it couldn’t stop thinking about the event that happened not long ago and another assault that happened last year. i started thinking about how my friend assaulted me more than once. it was terrifying. finally the doctor said i’m healthy and it’s just an effect of stress and a diet change and left so i could dress myself. i started crying really hard while putting my clothes back on and my mom walked in and didn’t understand what was wrong (she doenst know what my friend did to me). i said i felt violated and didn’t want to return to this man. later in the car i told ehr what he said and she said he was just joking and i’m taking everything too seriously. the appointment was yesterday and i have a fun weekend w my boyfriend coming up but im still super shaken and upset about the whole situation. i needed to tell someone and i thought this community would be my best option as there is no negativity. i just feel gross. i feel like i allowed him (the friend) to do these things to me. i feel like i shouldn’t feel this way but i do which is only making me feel worse. i can’t tell my mom as i don’t feel ready. last time i told her i was assaulted she made it seem like it was nothing and that “worse things have happened” and just wasn’t supportive. idk what to do or how to feel.
I am so sorry you’ve have been abused in such an intimate way. It is so easy to blame yourself when you have sustained any sort of abuse. “If I had been honest with him, he would have stopped. If I had set boundaries, it never would’ve gotten to that point. If I loved myself more, maybe he would have too.” I want to be clear that no amount of guilt or shame can change what has happened but it is also NOT YOUR FAULT. You cannot change the behavior of your friend who took advantage of you or the people who have brushed it off to be less than what it is and that is hurtful but it one of the ugliest truths we have to accept. You are strong for speaking up about your trauma and being upset with the comment that doctor made is not unheard of, that is not a statement any doctor should ever use, especially a male in an OB office, I would honestly be making a report to the office at least to ensure he will not make a remark like that again, it was senseless and hurtful especially because you never know what someone else is going through. You have a long line of healing ahead of you but you’ve come to the right place for that support. Please do not hesitate to reach out and please do not feel like a burden for seeking help for your trauma. Remember how strong you are, how strong you have been and how strong you will be. This is an unfortunate problem many women face alone in fear of ridicule or more harassment but you are not alone.
Hi @halfdeadsiren,
Most people don’t realize how strong they are because they are feeling so weak from holding on and trying to be okay. You’re strong, never forget that. This trauma doesn’t define you and though it may seem hard now, you will heal. These situations with the doctors are terrifying, and after what you have been through, it’s okay to feel this way. Breathe, and remember that it’s a terrible experience, not a terrible life. Like @Life2live said, I would call the office. You deserve to have your opinions known and let your thoughts out. Post on here whenever you want, and hold fast
@halfdeadsiren ,
first things first, that wasn’t cool for your so called “friend”. i’m happy you don’t speak to him anymore. With what happened and the change of doctors made you feel so uncomfortable and i’m sorry you had the panic attack. I’ve never been assaulted but hey that sucks. it feels like it’s your fault that you let it happen. To be honest, him raping you isn’t your fault. It’s his fault he did that to u. Dealing with that and seeing another doctor feels so uncomfortable cause it may bring up triggers. With your mom not being supportive , wow that’s not good. Isn’t a mother supposed to be there, to support you through your rough times ?
With you being uncomfortable with your doctor, you are not alone. I’ve felt that with my therapist with some topics for example my therapist brought up how high schoolers say “snitches get stitches.” and it makes me feel like i can but cant do the right thing because i feel like is that i did the wrong when i needed to stand up for what was right. As i am saying, you are not alone with feeling uncomfortable while around doctor.
That DR was wrong if you can’t say the words out loud (I have issues with saying the words … rape (damn even typing that is hard) ) try tell your DR office about “Trauma Informed Care" and let them take the reins you can rebuild! you might be full of cracks and tape and glue but you can be a new kind of whole again!
i think it starts with forgiveness…forgive yourself and understand even though you feel a certain way about yourself, that it doesnt negate your inherent value. And #2 forgive the offenders. it doenst absolve them of what they did, but it frees you from the chains of that person. this is all easier said then done. i think healing can start after forgiveness, but it takes time and hard work and tears. we are here for you do not give up. One day you will look back and be able to help some-else who is in the same shoes. and when that happens you might save a life. i am encouraged and impressed by your bravery to open and honest.
Hey friendo.
First of all just know that you are loved by every single person here, and that we are never gonna judge you or treat you unfairly. As someone who has seen his loved ones taken advantage of I get that feeling of helplessness, but you dont need to feel that way. There are so many things I can say about your doctor or your friends or your mom who just doesnt understand the situation, but right now all i think you need is friends to tell you that you are an awesome person who doesnt deserve to be treated this way.
I encourage you, if you arent already, to reach out to people in the discord and just talk. We are all here for you and we love you,
Hold fast.
Hey @halfdeadsiren here is our response from our live stream. Hold Fast friend. You’re loved.
First I want to thank you for being able to open up to us, I know how hard it is to go though this. I was raped and manipulated for 3 years by my boyfriend, my first boyfriend. I hope that I can lend some insight on this.I’m gonna start this a little on the negative side. You may still blame yourself, for months or years after this event. You said it was not the first and honestly it makes it worse.
SubscriberCheer 1LadyTapioca: I blamed myself for years after my assult and it caused myself to date a person who was jsut as vile to me. You will take so much time to heal and stregthen from this. You being open with your partner is the smartest thing. He will help you slowly rebuild and grow, he will learn your triggers and how to help you get past the panic and the stress and all of it.
My Fiancee still has to help me though panic attacks. My assult happened ten years ago and I still fight the scars from it sometimes. You have done the best thing by letting someone know. I had my best friend not believe me when I told him that his best friend who I dated raped me and just said “Well you were very open with your affection.”
Not knowing he would only hurt me if I didn’t. The best thing is just as bad as it sounds is to ride the wave, the ups and downs. You will heal with all of this terrible acts.Also if you Have a doctor say that to you again, tell them straight to their face it’s not funny. If they get offended kinda tell then they were rude.
Everyone who acts like that needs to be told, No this was not funny. Even if you can’t tell them way you need to say you disliked it. Be honest to them.
Hi! I’m in the same boat as you, i was raped at 7 years old because an older boy said it was a dress up game. I understand you may feel violated and confused, but just remember it is never your fault. You are a beautiful person and you deserve to be treated as such. One thing that has helped me is watching funny shows/ movies. You can’t think about what happened if you’re too busy laughing!!! 
Ahhhhhh! I’m so sorry both of you went through this!!! As one of the rare men that has been sexually assaulted, and is willing to admit it, I’d like you to know I’ve been there too in that place. And the people that did this to you are scum. You are both beautiful people on the inside and out and I will always be a safe haven for anyone that needs one. Even if no one else believes you, I will and if no one else is willing to protect you I will.