If I feel I fail

Hi,
I feeling like I am losing it. I am married. I have 2 kids 14 and 19 and he has 3 kids 17, 20, and 21. We have been married for 8 and a half years. I feel alone almost all of the time. The last 2 years we have had some trouble. I have tried to leave 2 times. I am lost. All I do is disappoint everyone. I am tired… tired of feeling tired of doing. No matter what I can’t stay on the right path and do what needs to be done, except at work (most of the time). I don’t share how I feel or what I am going through because I do not want to be a burden. Everyone has stuff they are dealing with. Why do I feel so guilty for the way I feel. If I stay busy like I am at work I don’t think so I don’t feel I try to stay that way. I figure if I stay busy no one will notice. I want to love and feel loved but for some reason I cannot. I don’t know what to do with my feelings and the relationships I do have. I do not feel like me. I feel like I have been erased. I have tried to be me and it always messes everything up. I can’t fix this… I do not even know what it is.

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I avoided talking to my parents about my suicidal depression for so long because I didn’t want to burden them. When I finally did, I found the most love and support humans can offer. Some days, it was too much for them. Fortunately I have friends and counselors to help share the burden. No one is perfect, but that’s ok.
If your husband is worthy of your marriage, he will listen to you. Tell him you need to talk, sit him down, share your heart. If you start to cry, let it out. Any man in his right mind would do anything to help his spouse through this. If you’re drifting apart, keeping things from him won’t strengthen your marriage. If sharing makes things worse then unfortunately he shouldn’t be married to anyone at all.
Keep us updated! You have fans here! We want to see you succeed!

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I have tried to talk to him and he doesn’t understand. His encouragement is to remind me I need to find a doctor to help me not feel broken. I don’t feel worthy of him. Even though he doesn’t understand he tries to do everything he can for me. I do not know what is wrong with me. I don’t not help out enough and he is okay with it most of the time. I just feel like a horrible person. I have always felt more comfortable in small places. Even more so when I am upset or scared. I used to hide in my closet and play for hours when I was little (or under my bed, inside a tent). Now I seem to have taken to our bathroom. I should be happier that he is okay with me and wants to help me forever if he has to… but I don’t know why confused and guilty and scared are more how I feel. I tried to leave because I don’t want to be a burden to him he work so hard for us. He deserves someone who can give him the same in return. Not someone who is broken and can not even force herself to do simple things.

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Hi friend. I used to battle a lot of these emotions in my marriage. I don’t have kids but I still faced a lot of these things. My husband didn’t always know how to understand what was going on and he didn’t always know how to communicate with me.

For me, I had a lot of stuff that I needed to work on internally. So seeking out a therapist to give me a safe place to talk about how I’m feeling and work through the areas I struggled was important. For many years I put this off. For too many in fact.

There were a lot of things I faced internally that I didn’t fully understand and it made it hard for me to function as a person, as a friend and as a wife. It can be really hard seeking out a therapist and facing our struggles. Seriously. It’s hard to be ready to face things that are tough. But it can help.

I saw both a therapist and a psychiatrist and this gave me a healthy balance of someone I could talk to and someone who could help find a medicinal treatment plan that worked hand in hand with my therapy.

Do you think that this could be something that could help you? If not, how come?

I think it’s great that your partner seems to try to help even if he doesn’t always know how to understand. You do deserve to have that understanding. To be heard. So I hope and pray that you find courage and strength to seek out the care you need and hope that you find the healing and comfort you need to feel better.

Stay strong friend

  • Kitty
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That’s great that your husband is understanding! I agree 100% with what Kitty said. Counseling and medication have been huge for me! I know what it feels like to think people deserve better than you. But the truth is that you can be that better person! And that’s really what your family needs. That’s what you need too!
It’s hard and takes time. Even with counseling and two medications, I have to work on myself to make sure I don’t go dark again. Hiding in dark, tight places makes us feel safe, but it kills us.
It’s a process, so be kind to yourself. Definitely get a therapist! They say it takes 6 sessions to know if they’re the right person for you. Even after that, there’s been so many days I didn’t want to talk to mine. But I stuck with it (with some prodding from my mom and friends) and I’m so glad I did!

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