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Belongs to: Therapist Reads the Diary of a Madman by Ozzy Osbourne
Ill share since you asked.
Can you imagine succeeding beyond anything most people dream of but cant live a day of your life feeling like a failure? Welcome to my hell.
As a child i was always top in my class, top in baseball and football, exceeding all expectationsfrom everyone except for my dad. Everything i did was never good enough and i was beaten down mentally and physically with his endless disappointment. It didnt bother me so much up to the age of 16 but i guess by then the mental issues started and i turned to drugs and alcohol. Even being an addict , i still started my own business at 21 and became very successful. The drugs and alcohol continued until age 45 and then i quit. I have a beautiful wife of 25 years and 3 great kids , a thriving business but never a happy day in my life.
I battled with suicide daily from a teenager until about 3 years ago. Ive learned to live with my illness of never being good enough.nothing is ever good enough no matter what anyone says to me. I know im successful, i know my family loves me ,i know all my freinds say im a good person that works hard.
So why does this feeling of failure haunt me to the point i feel this world would be better without me ?
Im a very emotionless person , i never get excited , i can laugh but it is fake , i dont get sad , i just have an endless ferling of thats not good enough , i have to do better every second of the day and it consumes me.
Ive givin up on the suicide thing , if i didnt stop the drugs and alcohol, 8 dont think i would have gave up so i go on in living hell of of feeling like a failure and never good enough ,faking it through each day. Everything everyone around me sees about me is fake. If they only knew what was going on inside myself. My wife , kids and friends know nothing of my daily struggle. Ive become very good at being able to help others with their problems, im the go to guy if you need help in any way be it financially or just someone to talk to. I can motivate like pro but i cant seem to help myself.
I think being able to sleep longer than 2 hrs at a time might help. My wife thinks im up working on my car in the garage but in reality, im doing more paceing and wearing a path into the cement then working on my car. dreams of the past scare me so i just dont sleep until my body collapses. Im scared of the past and future , im scared my family will see my weakness , im scared if anyone might see me fail.
I left alot of worst things out because i try to forget them but you you get the picture .
Great reaction by the way , i came here to see the reaction but got sidetracked on the subject i guess.
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Hey there friend,
Thank you so much for being so open and honest with us. It takes a lot of courage to do so. You have lived through so many trials and tribulations. Defied odds in more ways than I can count. Done so much with your life while still battling so much within. That takes an amount of strength I don’t even know how to describe.
I understand that you keep so much to yourself about what is going on internally. But you were honest with us. We see you. We hear you. We applaud you. We appreciate you. And we are here to help you. You deserve to be happy. You deserve everything that you have. And you deserve a community that will support you. And that is what heart support is for! We are here for you. You have nothing to be scared of here. We will help you no matter what. Your failures do not define you. Your past does not define you. All i see is a person that continues to push forward no matter what. A family man. A person that deserves to be happy.
Please remember that you should be extremely proud of yourself. We are proud of you.
-Blake
Thank you so much for sharing and for being willing to show the vulnerable side that I’m sure many people can in some way relate to and maybe haven’t found their voice to share it.
Having that one person when you’re growing up being someone that would never be “proud” of you is so harsh and hurtful. For my it was my mother. I was constantly trying to do everything to be the best, to do everything at the top level. When you heard those criticisms come after all that, it really fucks with your world. Like, why have I pushed myself so hard for so long and it’s not good enough?! Why am I not enough?!
It’s such a long uphill climb to fight against those thoughts and find a place where peace comes from knowing you put your all in. Because even now, sometimes my all lingers in the back of mind as not enough. There’s still those days where I reflect and think “if only I just did this little extra”. Was finishing yr 12 at 16 enough? No, was climbing my way into the career I’m in enough? No. Was all these accomplishments ever enough? No. I try reason with myself that it is in fact enough. Surrounding myself with people who celebrate my successes was such a wake up call. Because the moment I say “but” after “ I did”, they stop me. There is no buts because I did it.
I don’t know if you’ve spoken to your wife about these things, but what I feel is that we are so heavily reminded of what wasn’t good enough for someone we loved so much and craved love from, that we fear that every person who expresses love to us will feel the same. That they will see us as weak and incompetent. It’s an uncomfortable place to sit at first when they tell you the opposite of what you grew up as knowing as truth. There are many truths that exist and contradict each other, because what’s true for one isn’t for an other. That is to say, what your father felt as not good enough is his truth. It’s his burden that was then pushed onto you. Yes, we all have a wonderful capacity to grow and learn, but we do so by being able to reflect on the accomplishments we have overcome and succeeded in. No matter how small they may appear to someone else.
I washed my hair last night… what a fucking accomplishment, because I didn’t feel like it. I felt wrecked and awful and sad. I told my friend and she said “hell yeah! I love that for you!” And genuinely meant it. It takes a lot of “hell yeah’s” to erase even one “that wasn’t enough”. But allowing those around us who love us to nourish and support us is something that starts to sink in.
You shared something vulnerable HELL YEAH! I’m proud of you for that.
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Hi there,
Thank you for sharing your story, I know it takes a lot of courage to open up about something deep and personal. It sounds like you’ve carried this burden for a long time and while you have achieved incredible things, the feelings of loneliness and not being good enough have lingered, and this must feel incredibly isolating.
What I admire the most is how much love and care you give to others even when you are hurting in silence, but you deserve the same care you give to everyone else. You are not a failure, you are human and it is okay to need support too.
I believe that finding the right kind of support could help you see yourself in a different light, you are worth it!
Take it step by stem and celebrate all of your little accomplishments!
sending love and support