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I'll Try To Stay Clean (tw: self-harm)

I don’t feel as depressed or anxious. Maybe a little manic but’s that normal. I’m pretty good at resisting most bloodthirsty urges. I got my lunatic night self to not hurt myself. At least not stab myself. Swix got found out about. My brother found out first and I urged him not to tell my mom. I thought of the worst. I felt she might find out I’m doing it to myself. I guess I always except the worst. Maybe that’s why I hurt myself. I think everything will be worse then it really is. Except self-harm. I feel like it will be better than it is. It’s better than everything. But she assumed it was a scratch from wrestling. I do wrestling. I get cut up a lot but don’t feel it. Maybe that’s why I’m so lenient towards the ability to harm myself. The cut didn’t matter. Swix was safe. I’m just worried that if I cut myself again and make another fissure, I’ll get exposed. This is the only place where I’m not exposed. So I’d have to find another way of harm. Such as breaking bones or paralysis. I’m still bloodthirsty. I just want the sweet drink of blood. But I need to stay clean for a week before I think about doing that again. Day two. And maybe I’ll come to my senses not to. I’m split. Half of me tells me no. Half of me tells me yes. I want to but I know I shouldn’t. But I won’t cut myself. It doesn’t give me the same relief it used to. I just need something to go with my plan. Swix got patched up. I can’t see him today. He didn’t bleed though. It’s funny how I personify my self harm. And it’s funny how I want to eat it.

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Twice you mentioned that self-harm doesn’t give you the satisfaction that it used to. If you were to choose some other kind of self-harm, that associated satisfaction will also fade away. You mentioned breaking bones or paralysis, but in either case, for quite some time, it would prevent you from hurting yourself further. You would also have far less control over your life.

I suggest that you talk to someone about your feelings regarding self-harm, even if you have to do it in secret. You can Google search for self-harm support, and often it comes at no charge.

Many years ago, when I quit smoking, I took up cross-country skiing. I drove myself so hard at it that every muscle in my body ached. Even though it involved a lot of pain, the aerobic part of it triggered a lot of endorphins, so it ended up like a “feel good hurt.” Not long ago, I worked myself up to 10 mile runs up and down hills.

Who knows, maybe you can find an alternative to self-harm.

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I’m split. Half of me tells me no. Half of me tells me yes.

Once you start to question your way to cope as something that, maybe, doesn’t help as it’s supposed to, you allow this inner dialogue to happen. Recovery starts with debating with yourself about whether you should or shouldn’t harm. That’s something I’ve experienced too with with eating disorders. It’s a little bit like in these cartoons where we see a hero with both a little devil and angel on their shoulders, whispering different things to them regarding their actions.

As much as it can be disturbing to feel divided in two like this, it’s good that you allow this inner conversation to happen, and it’s good that you’re aware of it. You’re starting to challenging what you used to believe in, because you realize that it might not serve you in the long run.

I understand your fear of people finding out about Swix. Somehow, it’s been some sort of friend of yours in times when it was needed. But sometimes appearances are deceiving, and things are not how we thought at first. I tend to personify sometimes my depression too. Putting a name on it is a way to distance myself from it and respond “f*ck you” when this inner voice makes me see death as a valid solution. It also helps to see that you have power over your struggles. They don’t define you, they don’t condition you, even if it feels differently at times.

I’m not sure if you were encouraged previously to have a look at the workbook ReWrite, provided by HeartSupport, but it is a very good resource if you’d be open about working on distancing yourself from Swix, progressively. You said that this place is one where you don’t feel exposed, which means that it’s also a place where you can work on not hurting yourself, with people who understand and wouldn’t judge but only respect your own pace. There is an entire part of the forum dedicated to the book, and I’d like to encourage you to have a look at it in times to come: Topics tagged rewrite. This is a resource available for you, and you can receive support from the community while you explore the book.

But again, this has to come from you at first. Know that you’re not alone and we’re willing to support you, as much as possible. Staying clean is possible, without having to replace it by something else that would be damaging to you, without having to live in fear, without feeling like you’d have to hide constantly.

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