I’m caught in a cycle of making myself and my situation worse. I’m so depressed. I’m late for things every day because I can’t manage to find the strength to drag myself out of bed, or I’m kept up all night and don’t wake up until later. I try to set goals for myself, try to pick up habits or do little things each day to bring back a spark of motivation in my life but I just can’t be bothered to complete them. I tried writing, I tried learning a new language, learning guitar, etc. They all ended with the same outcome: me getting bored of it, moving on, then getting stressed whenever I think of it. When I look around my house all I see are unfinished projects that just stress me out and cause me to just hole up in my room and smoke and play video games all day and night.
When I do actually hang out with people, I limit myself from having any fun because I spend the entire time judging people’s reactions to everything I do and assuming they really don’t want me around. I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I’m also quite lonely. But this intense, palpable self-loathing has kind ruined my love life. I can’t actually see myself in a relationship at this point. I’m convinced that if I was, I’d find a way to ruin it and make myself feel shittier. I feel that way about everything, so I’m afraid to try new things.
I’m addicted to nicotine, video games, porn, and weed (or “dependent”). Anytime I find something that makes me feel better I just use it to the point where I don’t derive pleasure from it anymore and it just becomes another thing I have to do. Instead of trying to fight my depression, I just submit to it every night as I light up and play video games for hours on end.
Tonight, I told myself that I’d actually do the weeks of homework I was behind on. I ended up not doing that. I also told myself I’d be in bed by midnight, and that didn’t happen either. I can’t commit to any goal I set myself. I can’t find the motivation. Medication hasn’t worked so far, and I’m far from capable of ending my own life, but I just want to give up. I’ve cried myself to sleep most nights this week.
I just really don’t know where to put these thoughts. I don’t really have someone close enough to vent like this to.