I'm a broken record

I’m caught in a cycle of making myself and my situation worse. I’m so depressed. I’m late for things every day because I can’t manage to find the strength to drag myself out of bed, or I’m kept up all night and don’t wake up until later. I try to set goals for myself, try to pick up habits or do little things each day to bring back a spark of motivation in my life but I just can’t be bothered to complete them. I tried writing, I tried learning a new language, learning guitar, etc. They all ended with the same outcome: me getting bored of it, moving on, then getting stressed whenever I think of it. When I look around my house all I see are unfinished projects that just stress me out and cause me to just hole up in my room and smoke and play video games all day and night.

When I do actually hang out with people, I limit myself from having any fun because I spend the entire time judging people’s reactions to everything I do and assuming they really don’t want me around. I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. I’m also quite lonely. But this intense, palpable self-loathing has kind ruined my love life. I can’t actually see myself in a relationship at this point. I’m convinced that if I was, I’d find a way to ruin it and make myself feel shittier. I feel that way about everything, so I’m afraid to try new things.

I’m addicted to nicotine, video games, porn, and weed (or “dependent”). Anytime I find something that makes me feel better I just use it to the point where I don’t derive pleasure from it anymore and it just becomes another thing I have to do. Instead of trying to fight my depression, I just submit to it every night as I light up and play video games for hours on end.

Tonight, I told myself that I’d actually do the weeks of homework I was behind on. I ended up not doing that. I also told myself I’d be in bed by midnight, and that didn’t happen either. I can’t commit to any goal I set myself. I can’t find the motivation. Medication hasn’t worked so far, and I’m far from capable of ending my own life, but I just want to give up. I’ve cried myself to sleep most nights this week.

I just really don’t know where to put these thoughts. I don’t really have someone close enough to vent like this to.

1 Like

From: th3oggy

First step is admitting your Hurting! Then talking with Others hrtLoveFist

Hi friend. Thank you so much for opening up and being honest. I spent 12 years addicted to self harming and 7 years addicted to drugs. I very had to keep increasing the amount of whatever substance I was taking because my body became tolerant to them. I know how it feels when something that you enjoyed and gave you relief becomes a chore.
I am someone with a low opinion on myself, and it took me so long to realise that I don’t need to have a partner in order to be loved… As long as I’m surrounded by a community of people that support me and show me love like a family, that’s all I need.
As for hobbies and goals… Even things that are good for me or that I used to enjoy, I can’t ever finish them. I have to be held accountable… It sounds like an accountability buddy would be ideal for you… Having the HeartSupport community hold me accountable for things, even the SMALLEST thing like eating lunch, has really helped me…

It’s a long and slow journey out of this, but you have a whole community here with you.

Hold Fast

I’m so sorry friend. I know how it feels to withdraw and try to handle things on my own and it not work out. How countless efforts still don’t feel like enough. But something I find really admirable about your situation is that you keep trying and finding ways to get out of the depression. The positive things you’re trying like music and language, these are excellent. Show yourself some grace when things aren’t good and rest. But also, know that you have support. I’m glad you found HS. You are amongst a community that is loving and willing to stand with you in these moments. We’re with you.

From: microsmos_

You actually took a step out of this cycle by sharing here, which is awesome. :slight_smile: It sounds that you put a lot of pressure on yourself, maybe about too many things at the same time. I also find myself in this situation over and over and it’s related to perfectionism/procrastination: the perfect combination to sabotage ourselves. Questioning your expectations and your priorities could be helpful! By yourself or with someone. You’re definitely not alone friend. Sending love. <3

From: rydergrovest

Being a failure is not achieving your goals. But you set your own goals so set easier ones to kickstart yourself. Setting an Unachievable goal is actually a good way ironically . Its like a general thing where the finish line keeps moving away. set a goal of just being better than yesterday. And if you didnt, theres always tmw.

Those cycles are so hard to break out of, but good on you for being aware of it and trying. It’s so frustrating to put forth the effort and end up back to circling around the pit of depression. I often don’t want to risk the failure of ineffective efforts, and find it hard to accept that sometimes things go screwy and to keep on trying instead of going back to licking my wounds. I admire you reaching out, something I struggle with.

Thanks for sharing, makes me feel less alone, as well.

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Hey @Ard We discussed your topic on the HeartSupport Twitch stream. Here’s the live video response along with some other links that might be useful to you :slight_smile:
One of the HS team members also dealt with addiction to porn/video games etc… Here is an interview with him about his story! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMnmyIyuuFs

HS also has a partnership with the BetterHelp service that can give you a week free counselling. www.betterhelp.com/heartsupport

Hold fast!