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I'm A Burden To This World

As I sit here in the deepest pit of my depression and anxiety, I found the courage and the strength to reach out, and to be honest, and say that I AM NOT OKAY. Now these words I’m not okay can mean a lot of different things, so I will preface this post by saying that this is going to be a lengthy one so please bear with me.

As many of you know I went to Virginia for eight days, and well during this time I disconnected (minus some emails back and forth with Nate, and a phone call to check in), and I’ll be honest it was great, it was healthy, but it wasn’t easy. During this time I was faced with anxiety, anxiety of what I would come home to, and how this all just felt like this false reality, and I knew that when I got home, I would go back to the nightmare of real life.

During my trip, I spent time with family, I spent time alone, and I spent time with God. But not only this, but I spent time with some people who have had such an impact on my story and for that I was so thankful. But then Saturday came, and it was time to say my goodbyes, to be ready to fly home on Sunday. And it was tough. Saturday I couldn’t eat, because I was so overwhelmed, I wasn’t ready to go home. With every goodbye, tears streamed, but what I didn’t know is what was to come.

Due to the privacy of the situation, and the members involved in this I will be leaving this brief. Due to my mistakes, I’ve now become distant with those people. And well to say that I hate myself for it would be an understatement. They’ve offered nothing but love and forgiveness, but I’ve yet to forgive myself, or even believe that forgiving myself is possible.

So in this situation the best way I can explain where I’m at is this. I’m sitting in the middle of an ocean. I’m far enough out that I can’t see the shore. But the waves are crashing against me. And I can’t ride the waves. The waves are too strong for me to stand against, or to even swim. So I’m just trying to float, but I’m drowning.

Also as many of you guys know that my parents are divorced, and well my mom and I don’t have the best relationship. Well now she’s completely cut my younger sister out of my life, after both my older sister and I have given her money to help out etc. So honestly I’m angry, and I’m worried about my sister.

So here I am, sitting in the pit of my depression, relapsing daily, hating myself, and just sitting out my pain hoping for the storm to past. But until then I will sit here, with the bottle of the pills and blade, and pray to God the pain stops soon.

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dear monkey

Im sorry for wha you are going throught, it tough to come from a trip like that and face back reality. It suck that anxiety can come out nowhere and just screw things up. I deal with some family issue myself. Me and family are not allowed to see my newphew, because my brother marry abuse witch that brainwashed him, It can destory you mental. It got so bad Im became a mentality abuse person and it was lowest part of my life.

However, we reminds ourselve still some good within us and not about being a perfect person. The different from good person from a bad person, that good person would amit their mistakes. Yes, we do hurt the people we love and it shitty feeling. But think you an awesome person that wants to grow and dealing with alot of demons.

In addition, I think ti awesome you have god in your life. Im atheist kinda, but do believe that pray can help people mental and that what most important. Its use righty can be good guide line for life.

You dont have to sorry, you still a good person, your just having a hard time.

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Hi, Monkey

It’s good to hear from you. I wish it was under better circumstances, but I’m glad to hear from you anyway.

@Nate is wonderful isn’t he? He has such a selfless heart. Always ready to help those who are hurting and offer guidance. He helped me too. Shared time with me even though he didn’t have to. I’m glad that you kept contact with him and emailed him. That is really good.

I went on a trip too. It wasn’t easy either. But it was healthy and good despite the hardships I have been battling. I’m glad that you were able to find some good in it. That’s great. Like you, I was afraid of what I’d have to face when I got home. So I can relate to that emotion.

I care for you, Monkey. I know you’ve been battling with a lot lately. We’ve had a lot of talks. I’ve seen some of the things you carry around and I’m sure it’s not all. Just know you have a friend who loves you. Cares about you. And wants you to be okay. Someone who wants to see you succeed and overcome all of these hardships.

It always makes me feel heartbroken to see when you are hurting and surrounded with dark feelings. But I know you can fight through this. You’ve been doing it. Even if it’s hard you keep pushing through each day and I’m proud of you for that. And for opening up to people when you need help. It’s a good starting point.

Sweetheart, it’s okay to forgive yourself. I know self forgiveness isn’t always easy. I know that all too well. It’s something I still struggle with. But you CAN forgive yourself. Don’t beat yourself up for too long okay? You deserve to be forgiven despite the fact that you may feel otherwise.

We can’t control our past. But we can control our now. So just keep fighting for yourself my friend and don’t give up hope. Work on the things you struggle with and work to improve. One day at a time. One small step at a time. I believe in you.

Much love friend

  • Kitty
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