I'm a creative person who is afraid of writing

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Hi again.

I’m not a writer. I don’t like writing unless it’s to deconstruct myself, like I’m doing right now. Ever since I was little, I’ve had extremely bad anxiety over writing assignments for class, argumentative or narrative, because reading them back over makes my head hurt from how badly I feel like I conveyed what was inside my head.

Months or even years afterwards, I still look back on what I’ve written and regret it so much. I’ve begged my teachers to skip writing assignments because I always know how it’ll end up. Whether it’s a lack of understanding of how people actually act, not being able to convey what I want in a subtle way, or just a feeling that I’m commiting a crime against humanity because what I’ve made is too bizarre, I always end up thinking of it the same way.

It’s not simply being embarressed by old work. I know that writers feel like that all the time. I wish that wasn’t a part of being a writer, though. It hurts knowing that I have so many ideas stuck in my head that I’d love to share in a meaningful way, but I can’t because no matter what, I’ll never be truly happy with how it turned out. I’ve tried for years to understand how stories are constructed, from characters to plot to themes to structure to literary devices. I think my understanding of all of those is pretty good at this point. I can read a book or watch a movie and understand the subtlety in it’s characterization, the reasons it was written the way it was, the themes it wanted to convey. But when I try to explain those to another person, my sentences become vague or turn into word salad. I ruin every work I touch just by explaining my interpretation of it.

None of this would even be a problem if I wasn’t a creative person at heart. I always loved making up little stories in my head. I love to convey my ideas through art. Art is simple to me compared to writing. You take an idea, you sketch it, you change the sketch if you don’t like it, then you finalize it. Art is a relaxing way for me to put my ideas on paper, and I’m usually happy with the final result.

Despite that, I still can’t shake this feeling that I want to write. It could be similarly relaxing to me, if it weren’t for all this pressure from the world around me, and the world inside me to be “good”, whatever that means. The creative person inside me is slowly dying because writing feels like a competitive game, where the best get endless recognition and the worst get to eat spit.

No one is watching me when I’m writing to myself, I know, but that self-deprecating devil is always hanging over me, no matter what I try to do to stamp it out.

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I think what you are describing may be the reason why so many people write under pseudonyms. That way, your real name isn’t attached. Evidently, you are a very good writer. Because you are a good writer, and your ego is not out of control, you are able to critique your own work. That’s a good thing.

Maybe you understand too well, which is why you are unwilling to share deeper thoughts.

Among writers, there seems to be a competition for who can write the most bizarre stuff. Never worry about being too bizarre. I don’t think it’s possible, especially considering that so many readers have a thirst for the bazaar. Such writing provides an escape from the daily grind.

That’s why it’s so often said, we are our own worst critic. It really does take a lot of practice to convey nuance through text.

It’s hard to verbalize an interpretation. Very often, the harder you try, the more confusing it gets. When you watch a movie, your mind becomes aligned with the thoughts and feelings of the characters. Once you leave the theater, you are back in the company of your own thoughts and feelings. At that point, it’s best to convey your own impressions and feelings, rather than try to interpret the script writers intent.

If you want to write, do so. Don’t worry about being “good,” according to the standards of the world. I’ve read some incredibly good stuff that never got published. I have also read published works that really sucked.

You mentioned that art is a relaxing way for you to put ideas on paper. Have you put your ideas in the form of art on paper, then described the resulting picture in words? Say you’ve drawn a picture of a tree. What was going on in the world when the tree was planted? Has it lost any of its limbs from a storm? What was going on in the lives of the children who played around it? Is it in the middle of a parking lot, or an estate? Was it planted in memorial of someone? What was that person’s story?

One trick I was taught years ago was to write every single thing that came to mind, as fast as I could, without regard for punctuation or sentence structure, and fill a few pages that way. It was kind of a mental loosening up exercise, and it really helped.

It usually comes out looking like word salad, or “flight of ideas.” However, like seeing object and animal shapes in passing clouds, themes tend to emerge out of the seeming randomness of those words and phrases.

Another thing about bizarreness, why not be intentionally bizarre in your writing? That sounds like fun. Maybe you should turn that “self-deprecating devil” into an actual character, who paces the floor and scoffs while you’re trying to write. Maybe you can put him in a giant playpen, and while he jumps up and down, screaming and crying, you can blissfully go on writing.

It is a competitive game, but it’s not really fair. It involves both clever and creative marketing, but also, no small measure of luck. I’m pretty sure the best writers aren’t always those who get published. So, you might get rich and famous, or you might be like Emily Dickinson, obscure in your own time, then become legendary. Alternatively, your writing may just be entertainment for your descendants.

It’s okay to write for your own fulfillment, then decide whether or not you wish to share it with others.

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do you have a pet? Or a favourite object?

Let’s see if you can write a short little description of it, don’t even have to identify what it is. Just write how it makes you feel, or a funny/sweet memory.

Just you sharing with me a tiny bit of info about someone/something special to you.

writing is hard, i’m guilty of fleeing from it too. But let’s start small! We are our worse critics. \but if we write for our own pleasure, maybe it can get easier.

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I can happily say I’ve never heard the term “word salad” before and that I really want to use it one day! Haha
This whole post is wonderfully written, those inner demons that shit you down don’t know what they’re talking about. It’s frustrating to have a concept and not be able to fully develop it how you want.
I am glad that your art has the effect you like! Art is beautiful and words are beautiful.
What do you usually love to write about or feel inspired to write about?
Maybe it gets con-deluded by focusing on other peoples work. You certainly don’t have to write like anyone else or construct like anyone else. Having ideas can be helpful, do you enjoy reading? Different genres could be helpful for you in finding what you enjoy.
Some writers try so hard to fill the gaps with so much information that it feels endless, and some of them have this beautiful simplicity that paints such a big picture.
There is a lot of beauty in allowing a reader to use their imagination to a degree. So perhaps your writing paints a beautiful picture without being too overloaded with words.

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Hi julia,

I totally understand where you’re coming from. I have been artistic, mostly by way of drawing, since I was in middle school. I started to write in high school and I was terrible at it. I have issues with my self critiquing to put it lightly.

Hear me out, this might sound crazy, but it worked for me.

There is an event called NaNoWriMo or National Novel Writing Month. This, along with writing fan fictions in high school, was how I managed to tame my inner critiquing. The downside I suppose is that it takes place in November, but its a great way to meet like minded people, learn strategies for coming up with ideas, receive support and feedback and, at least when I still had time to participate, they had free mini writing workshops for stuff like character creation.

Its basically a race to write a 50,000 word novel in the month of november which comes out to something like 1600 words per day. The idea is not to have your writing be perfect or even make sense. It is to teach to power of free writing - tossing that inner critic to the wind and flying by the seat of your pants. One of my favorite things to do were ‘word wars’ where a group of us would be on chat and set, say, a 10 minute limit and compare how much we had written in that time. It made it more fun and competitive and made it easier to forget to judge myself.

The other thing was fan fiction, which honestly I wasnt a huge fan of writing but it gave me a chance to dip my toes into fiction writing without taking total ownership. No pressure, so it was a good honing tool. After maybe a year I started writing my own fiction in the form of flash fiction, Id found my niche which also helps.

Writing is certainly a great creative outlet and I believe once you get over this hump, you’ll feel much better! I hope these suggestions helped, if not or if you have questions about NaNoWriMo, feel free to message me.