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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to Toxicity by System of a Down
Im a gamer, so I relate that feeling to basically life feels like a game I have played for a long time, its familiar, but no longer something I want to play. I am forced to because of my family and friends, but some days the quit button is very tempting…
Hello gamer. I’m sorry that you are feeling exhausted and down. If you ever want to share more of what you are going through. Please feel free to do so. We care at HeartSupport and want to see you win the game. <3
Thank you for sharing this, friend. It’s so courageous of you to speak about the battles you lead within but remain unseen to most. Sometimes it’s scary to open up about things that makes us feel particularly vulnerable, and it’s hard to share it without the fear of freaking out the people we love. What you are going through, the way you feel about your life and perceive it, are so very important to express and hear. Always.
The way you describe your own experience feels so very relatable to me personally, and reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend when I was having a wave of suicidal thoughts recently. It came down to expressing that if it wasn’t for my partner, sister and close friends, I wouldn’t be here anymore. As you said so well, it’s hard to be in a place of feeling like you’ve already seen everything that life could offer somehow, and that there is little hope left to see anything better. It feels more like going through the same circles over and over, completing the same goals almost in a mechanic way. To take your gaming analogy, it surely feels like grinding the same quests over and over and having joy being robbed away from you, as the game itself seems to lose its substance. When you are so tired emotionally it feels likethe wonder and curiosity that life can generate seems to be gone. Under these circustances, it’s really difficult to identify the right way to feel whole and alive again. You don’t see any positive perspective ahead, so there are times when it’s hard to not think about quitting altogether. It makes sense to think about it sometimes, even though you know it’s not an healthy and even less fair option… because your life matters so very much, even during times when it’s hard to see beyond the pain, the tiredness and the overwhelm.
With your friends and family in the picture, I imagine how this must also feel conflicting at times. Personally, I’m thankful for how much the people I love anchor me without them even knowing it. But at the same times there are moments when the heart feels like it just can’t take it anymore, and I would almost wish that I had never met my partner or had good friends. Which is such a vicious cycle in the end that makes you see yourself as ungrateful, if not unworthy. Suicidal thoughts can be so easily intertwined with shame, and that’s not a recipe that anyone ever deserves to experience. So when you share about how you feel really like you do here, you actively work against the feelings of shame, loneliness and guilt that dark times may bring. You actively seek hope even in the midst of feeling like you have not attained it yet. And man that is SO brave, so strong, so powerful of you.
For what it’s worth from a stranger, I’m so very proud of you. For being here, for being you, for making it through the days when you felt you should press the quit button. For choosing instead to pause when it feels like life is crushing you down. There’s a lot of patience required during those times, and I’m so thankful you’ve been giving yourself time, you’ve been your heart some grace and just the benefit of the doubt that as long as you keep trying, there is hope to discover new pathways. Maybe with your loved ones directly supporting you and knowing what you’re going through. Maybe with the help of a professional who would offer a safe space and strategize next steps with you. Maybe on your own with tons of love towards yourself and patience during enduring times. No matter how, there are roads ahead waiting to be known, and I wholeheartedly believe in your ability to seek them as well as to walk on them.
You matter, friend. I see you and I hear you. Hold fast. 
Thank you 
I appreciate you reaching out to me. I do have a great support system and am very open and honest with my doctor about my depression. I have been looking for a therapist I just need to find one that I can afford and who I can trust. I am currently on medication and fighting the good fight. @@HeartSupport
This is great to hear! Well done for all the steps you’ve been taking. They’re certainly not the easiest, but absolutely worth it. You got this, friend.