Addiction.
It sucks…
I’m tired of trying.
I don’t even know what to say, because I’ve said it all. I feel like I’m just not going to be able to stop. I’ve done rehab too many times and one time was for a whole year. I’m so impulsive and self destructive and no matter how hard I try, I just fall flat on my face. I don’t know how to get up.
You aren’t a lost cause. Reaching out here is a pretty strong indication that you are still willing to try. Are you in any kind of support group? If you decide no matter how often you fall, you will get back up, you will survive.
My goodness you are far from being a failure, you are an incredibly strong minded and take on your mental health with both methodical and physical gusto that would put a lot of people to shame.
Addictions compulsive physiological need for and use of a habit-forming substance that in itself tells you that its a fight and when you are already fighting so many different obstacles something has to give.
I saw this guy once who stood with this person and handed them something for each of thier problems, every problem became an item to hold. Once they were laden with things he said he was another massive problem coming her way, maybe she should push him aside or fight him off but of course she couldnt because she was holding a shed load of other things. (makes you think)
So I guess one way would be to drop it all which doesnt sound plausible or place them down one at a time as you deal with them, yes that is somewhat time consuming but its sensible, however also remember that you have friends who can hold them for you sometimes too and take the load off.
See you are no failure, you are overloaded. love you xxx
I tried to do the whole NA thing, had a sponsor and did all the work etc. I went to 3+ meetings a week (required for the rehab I was in for a year) and none of that helped at all. I need one on one therapy for this and I’m currently waiting for the behavioral health dept. to find someone for me. My last therapist was still working towards her license and I was her first client with BPD, so I didn’t feel like I was going anywhere with her.
I’m willing to try anything at this point.
Thank you for this, I feel validated and seen.
Your story does make me think and I know that I have friends that can help with the load. I appreciate that so much and even tho I feel like a failure, I’m working on trying not to feel that way. I have a problem and it’s not in control right now, but knowing I have close friends who love me and want to support me means the world.
Love you too! 
Hey Mystrose, I’m really sorry that you’ve been struggling with this. I can understand how fighting addiction on top of impulsivity and self-destructiveness feels impossible and exhausting, and please know that these feelings are absolutely valid. I’m sure you’re well aware that healing from addiction is a nonlinear journey, and it can be incredibly frustrating when that path goes backwards. But it can be helpful to remember that a step backwards doesn’t necessarily put you back at square one, but rather it can simply be part of the next step forward.
You’re not a failure, you are a warrior just by the fact that you’re still here, but also that you’ve been fighting this battle for so long. Please know you’re not alone, and we support you in this fight. Hold fast.
Aw Myst,
That’s incredibly tough. Addiction is a real beast and I understand the hopelessness – the feelings like it may never really pass. You’ve put so much herculean effort into fighting these addictions and I know that all these effort – the immeasurable time, energy, and pain – can just make it hurt that much more when it feels like we’re back at square one. Like we’ve failed.
I know nothing I can say can cure your ails, but I hope you know that we’re here for you and will stand by you every step of the way. What you’re going through is so difficult and I can only imagine how hard it may feel right now, but we will have your back always and I know that all of us at HeartSupport believe in you (regardless of if you’re in a hopeless place, a sober state, or somewhere else altogether).
You’re an incredible person to be around and it’s a pleasure to have the opportunity to work with you. Thank you for being here, for sharing, and for gracing us with your presence.
<3 Tuna
Thank you. 
that meant a lot.
Hey there @Mystrose 🩵
I totally understand that you are feeling mentally exhausted lately. However never feel like you don’t try hard enough. Some days all we are able to do is try, and even that will simply never be enough for some people. Walking through the trenches of addiction are never easy. So you are trying your best despite being faced with a giant obstacle 
The ultimate fact is, that you are strong enough to get through Rehab, and have done many times
. This shows that it isn’t your time to give up yet. One day your time to shine will happen and you will look back on your addiction days with pride on how far you’ve come
I’m going to leave you with some quotes in the hope of inspiring you further:
J.K Rowling said “Rock bottom has become the foundation in which I rebuilt my life”
Johnny Depp said “If there’s any message to my work, it is ultimately that it’s OK to be different, that it’s good to be different, that we should question ourselves before we pass judgment on someone who looks different, behaves different, talks different, is a different color”
These two quotes give us two messages. One being that we have to hit rock bottom in order to really see what’s good for us in life. It also shows that we should embrace our differences, and not pass judgement on anybody because we are not perfect ourselves.
I hope these words comfort you in some way 🩷